How about your children? When do
you tell them that one of their parents is gay?
How much should they know about it, and how soon? How can kids understand such a complex
issue? Their age, maturity, and general
stability all affect the answers to these and related questions. There are no stock answers that fit all
families, so important decisions tailored to your situation are inevitable.
Experts suggest explaining the situation in stages, not overwhelming the
youngster with too much information at once.
Answer their questions honestly, but don’t try to cover every detail of
the situation in one sitting. Children
sense that something is wrong and they need sufficient information to allay
fears that the trouble is their fault.
It is also important to use language the young person can understand,
being scrupulously careful not to malign the gay partner. Divisive behavior and hateful words
inevitably wound the child even further and damage future family
relationships. Above all, don’t try to
make your child an ally by demonizing his other parent. Measure your words carefully. This is a real test of your own maturity and
self-control.
Some examples from my book When
Your Spouse Comes Out may point the way.
Matt explained to his four-year-old why Mommy had moved into a separate
bedroom. Matt began by saying that there
were going to be some changes. Mommy has realized that she is what’s called gay. Most
people, men and women, like and want to live together as husband and wife, but
with gay people, men like men and women like women and that’s who they want to
be partners with for their life. There
isn’t anything wrong with it. It’s just
like people have different hair colors and skin colors, different heights—some
people are taller and some people are shorter.
While most people aren’t that way, there are a lot of people who are
gay. Your Mommy has figured out that she
is one of those people. At some point,
it will mean that Mommy and I won’t be married anymore. But we’ll both still be your parents and it
doesn’t change how we love you. This
isn’t your fault. It isn’t anything you
have done. For the time being, things
will stay the same here at home.
Notice the language level for a small child and reinforced reassurance
that the boy would still have two loving parents and that the immediate changes
would not threaten him—and weren’t his fault. These points are important to
make, regardless of the age of the child.
Explaining to older children presents a different challenge. Carlotta and David had a son and daughter who
were thirteen and eighteen when David disclosed his homosexuality to his
wife. Though this couple immediately
realized that their marriage would end, their family still existed as a high
priority. Their focus was to preserve
family ties in some form.
They spent months in private discussion, adjustment and preparation
before they told their teens. When the
time seemed right, they called a family meeting and told the whole truth to
their teenagers, answering all questions honestly. After they had time to absorb the truth, both
teens discreetly told their friends and received immediate peer support. They also adjusted to the changes, knowing
that both parents were behind them. At
no time did either parent denigrate or criticize the other. Their family ties held firm through an
amicable divorce and their kids went on to college and are launching successful
lives of their own now.
Waiting until the heat of the discovery has cooled is a good idea. Give yourself time to recover from your own
shock, work through immediate personal issues, and prepare yourself to support your
children through their time of recovery.
Straight talk to older children is important. Telling the truth is better than holding
back, unless there is some compelling reason to do so.
Disclosure to adult children may be less difficult. One couple arranged a gathering of their
whole family and a separate meeting of their closest friends. There, they read letters they each had
composed to explain their situation and their personal feelings. After they read their letters, they offered
to answer any questions. Then they left,
allowing space and time for their surprised loved ones to talk and begin to
process their unexpected news.
If possible, face-to-face disclosure is best. My husband and I traveled together to tell
each member of our families—our son in California, Jim’s mother in Colorado, my mother and our other son and his wife
in Oklahoma. First,
we told them that we were about to separate, and then we told them why. If we hadn’t shared the whole truth, they
never could have understood why our 30-plus-year marriage was ending. Telling the truth freed us all to help each
other reach acceptance.
Truth binds. Secrecy
separates. After keeping her gay
husband’s secret for decades, one straight wife suffered greatly from her
daughter’s simmering anger about the family’s long-held secret. The adult daughter accepted her father’s
homosexuality but harshly blamed her mother for not sharing the truth.
In another case study, the gay father was afraid to admit his sexual
orientation, so he lied to his son and said that he didn’t love his wife
anymore and that was the reason for their separation. When the truth came out a few weeks later,
the son said, “Why didn’t you say you’re gay!
That is much easier to accept than the story you told me before.” These examples suggest openness with children
at the earliest opportunity, regardless of their age.
Truth also frees. One interviewee
recounted a scene she’ll always carry in her memory. The
morning following our decision to let each other go was like this: although we
realized what a heart- and life-wrenching decision we had made, we went for a
bike ride with our son along the dirt roads of some property we had in the
mountains. My husband rode his bike like
a kid who’d just learned to ride alone without training wheels. He told me later he was feeling as if he’d
just dropped a burden, a terrible burden he’d carried for years—not the burden
of our marriage but the burden of hidden truth of who he was. In a similar way, all the members of a
mixed orientation family can feel liberated when their secret is out.
It would be nice to have sure-fire step-by-step instructions for telling
the children about a gay parent.
Unfortunately, every family has to invent its own best method. Keep in mind these principles to ease the
way: Tell as much of the truth as you
can, as soon as you can, in language that is understandable and kind. Give ample assurance that your love endures
for your children, regardless of other changes in the family. Give yourself the gift of liberating truth.
What is your experience with telling your children? Please share a comment on this interactive
site. Your hard-earned wisdom can help
others now struggling with this family predicament. Click "Comments" below.
(Click the cover image of the book to learn
more about When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual.)
