Straight Spouse Connection

Join Our Conversation!

    In titling this Web log “Straight Spouse Connection,” my intention was to offer the site as a virtual peer support group for straight spouses in mixed-orientation relationships.  I hoped that online visitors would return often to the site, leave their comments, and build a genuine conversation on burning issues shared by others in the same messy situation. 

    To my delight, that connection has evolved.  Almost 11,000 visits and nearly 200 comments demonstrate an ongoing need for information about gay-straight marriages.  Moreover, many of the comments express gratitude for this forum as a safe place to express their private thoughts and fears.  Some have said that they have nowhere else to turn.  Peer support is an immense help here because we are isolated in a predicament that outsiders simply don’t understand.

    I encourage you to join our conversation.  Choose a title or category from the lists in the left margin of the home page, or scroll through the whole blog and stop at any title that speaks to your need.  It’s easy to leave a comment at the end of an article.  Click on “comments” to open previous readers’ remarks, then scroll to the box at the end where you can add your thoughts.  You’ll see that many visitors return frequently and actually “converse” with me and with each other.  If a particular topic captures you, subscribe to the comment feed to remain informed and engaged.  

    Browse the site to find posts that touch on topics of personal interest, perhaps stages of recovery, recognizing your gay mate’s identity evolution, the question of choice, religious conflicts, telling the children, or cultivating courage.  Relevant current events may interest you, such as the implications of Prop 8 in California or the outing of famous people like Ted Haggard.  Each post opens a subject and reader comments fill in the blanks.

    While you’re here, click on the cover images of my books or DVD.  This will take you to my other Website, www.carolgrever.com where you can watch a trailer of the video, hear radio interviews, learn more about related books and find other resources. 

    You are always welcome at either of these Web sites.  Please visit often and engage in this ongoing peer support effort.  You may be surprised at the beneficial results of the Straight Spouse Connection. 

Why do I care?

    I was already an emotional wreck over my dying father when my husband abruptly came out.  His understated confession of "homosexual tendencies" blindsided me completely after more than 30 years of marriage, bearing his two sons, building our successful business, and utterly trusting his fidelity.  As his story unfolded through the following weeks, I learned more about his compartmentalized double life.  For 25 years he had engaged in mostly anonymous homosexual encounters, hidden by the facade of our "perfect family" life.

  I had joined the ranks of straight spouses, heterosexual people who unknowingly married gays.

    Struggling to adjust, I went through predictable stages of recovery over the next four years, cycling from shock and bewilderment through denial, self-blame, and sympathy.  Sometimes I was enraged that my husband's illicit behavior had put my health and life at risk.  That anger usually caved into the black hole of grief and despair; all our plans for the future were dust.  Through professional therapy, and peer support from the Straight Spouse Network, I learned that these cycling emotional states are typical during straight spouse recovery, the pattern similar to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief.  Knowing that I was not alone was essential during the darkest times. 

    Eventually we divorced and the passing of time softened my sharp edges.  I began to feel more hopeful.  Through it all, I had kept a journal, recording the good and awful turns of this foreign journey.  Then came an epiphany.  This coming-out event was the major turning point in my lifetime.  It could be the ultimate opportunity, the gateway to a whole new path of my own choosing.  I could recreate myself, reconfigure my future.  I realized the magnitude of this event, seeing it as possibility instead of disaster. 

    Writing became my door into that future.  It gave me meaning beyond myself.  Using my journal and interviews with other straight spouses, I wrote My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Guide to Surviving the Crisis.  I had always wanted to be an author, and my husband's disclosure of his true identity as a gay man freed me to live my own true identity.  When I "got it," I could forgive my former mate and even become friends with him again.  Healing was complete.

    In this initial post for Straight Spouse Connection, I hoped to introduce myself to you and to demonstrate why I care about straight spouses and their families.  My story is one of millions, perhaps similar to yours!  I invite your comments and suggestions about topics of interest for future postings.  If you'd like to learn more about my books and a new documentary on these issues, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages, please visit my main web site.

                                                                                                      

Straight Spouse Connection is a new blog to explore topics relevant to mixed orientation families and particularly to other straight spouses.