Straight Spouse Connection

Reparative Therapy Debunked--Again

    “Reparative Therapy”:  The attempt to change a person’s innate sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual.  The term suggests that something is sick or broken and needs to be cured or fixed.  Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erroneous belief persists that “reparative therapy” can actually work.  Instead, it causes harm to everyone involved.  A comment from this blog, quoted with permission, gives just one example.

    I was married for 18 years. . . . I got pregnant 3 months after we got married and all the sex stopped as soon as I got home with the baby. . . . I couldn’t do anything right . . . A negative and hateful monster began and he is still in denial, even after being caught at gay parks and bringing a strange man to our home.  We've had counseling from a place in Nashville that insisted he could be cured and it [homosexuality] was a choice.  Even a PhD that has been on Dateline and has [written] books told me so.  It’s been a nightmare.  He threw our family away for "friendships" all through the years, telling me I was crazy for not wanting him to have friends.  Everything was my fault--everything. . . . These men in denial are wrecks and mad at the world, taking it out on all who enter their paths.  

The woman quoted here speaks of suffering from two sources:  Denial on the part of her husband that he is actually homosexual, and the failure of reparative therapy to change that fundamental fact.  Sexual orientation is inborn, not learned nor chosen.  And it can’t be changed by any means.  Those who claim they’ve been “cured” of their attraction to the same sex have either chosen or been forced to suppress their own sexuality.

    Organizations like Focus on the Family and Exodus International claim to “cure” people who “choose” to be gay.  Their arguments are based on two false assumptions: That being gay is a mental illness, and that sexual orientation is a conscious choice.  Those assumptions have been rejected by creditable therapists, united in one voice through their professional organizations. 

    As early as 1973, the American Psychiatric Association eliminated homosexuality from their official manual of mental and emotional disorders.  Two years later, in 1975, the American Psychological Association supported that action.  In 1990, that organization made a direct statement about reparative therapy, concluding that efforts to convert sexual orientation are unsuccessful and do great psychological harm.

    Now, once again, the American Psychological Association has reviews the issue.  At their annual meeting in Toronto earlier this month, they issued the strongest rejection yet of the efficacy of reparative therapy.  A six-member task force examined 83 studies on attempts to change sexual orientation conducted since 1960.  Their report repudiated reparative therapy and was endorsed by the APA’s governing council for the 150,000-member association.  They adopted a resolution, passed with a 125 to 4 vote, asserting that no evidence exists that homosexual people can become heterosexual.  Moreover, efforts to force change in sexual orientation is harmful, inducing depression and suicidal tendencies.   

    This latest resolution strengthens previous APA statements on this divisive issue with guidance on how therapists should approach gay clients struggling to remain faithful to a religion that condemns homosexuality.  The task force suggested that therapists might transcend negative beliefs about homosexuality through reliance on overriding principles of religious teachings, such as hope and forgiveness.  Instead of offering extreme, detrimental treatments that attempt to change an individual’s sexual orientation, therapists should help people explore their realistic options—ranging from celibacy to changing churches.   

    Task force chair, Judith Glassgold, a psychologist from Highland Park, New Jersey, suggested that “Both sides have to educate themselves better.  Religious psychotherapists have to open up their eyes to the potential positive aspects of being gay or lesbian.  Secular therapists have to recognize that some people will choose their faith over their sexuality.” 

    Being gay or being straight is not a choice.  How we live out our personal reality does offer a variety of options—acceptance or denial, openness or repression.  Based on my contact with hundreds of straight spouses who also must live with the results of their mate’s hard choices, I cast my own vote for the freedom borne of open acceptance of who we are—gay or straight or anywhere in between.  Live your truth!

 

 

Cultivating Fearlessness

    The beloved American Buddhist Nun, Pema Chodron, gave a teaching recently to address the "ubiquitous nervousness" that is globally pervasive.  There seems to be no escape from our constant hum of anxiety.  We fear that society as we've known it is disintegrating.  It requires a journey of bravery simply to cope, day to day.

    Straight spouses bear this cultural anxiety on top of their underlying personal blow of having their intimate partner come out.  In the beginning of that journey, fear is our constant companion.  It may be small consolation, but Pema points out that facing such a crisis may actually be preferable to the torture of the low, constant hum of uncertainty, of "not knowing."  When the family secret is out in the open, at least we can see our challenge clearly.

    During crisis, fear can lead to aggression, blame, resentment, even violence.  We would do anything to regain security, but in our panic choose words and actions that make matters worse.  But there's also good news here:  Moment by moment, we do have power to choose our next act.  Moment by moment we can choose wakefulness, sanity, non-aggression--words and actions that promote peace rather than more conflict.

    If a confrontation is imminent, STOP.  Be quiet.  Ask yourself, "What happens next?"  Listen to your own mind.  Be present and open to whatever is happening inside, then respond authentically.  Sometimes pausing in this way works toward a peaceful solution, sometimes not.  But whether an individual effort succeeds or fails, that kind of mindfulness is the path toward resolution.

    Fear is the vanguard of courage.  We learn fearlessness from experiencing and standing up to fear.  Pema used a wave metaphor to clarify the point.  You are standing in the surf when a huge wave breaks over your head and pulls you down and out toward the sea.  You have sand in your eyes and mouth and feel helpless and terrified in the undertow.  But the wave recedes and you can stand up and start to regain your balance.  Then another wave crashes over you, knocks you down again.  You manage to stand up again, and then there's another wave.  As this keeps happening, again and again, you learn that you can stand up over and over, and the waves become less frightening.  The waves may actually seem smaller.  By squarely facing fear, you've found your sustaining valor.

    As a recovering straight spouse, you probably thought you would drown in waves of betrayal, disappointment, rage, grief, and uncertainty.  But you're here.  You've made it this far.  What didn't kill you made you stronger, as Camus famously said.  So whether you're being pulled out in the undertow, or stggering back to your feet, or finding your balance on the shore, you're gaining courage with each wave and each recovery.  You're learning fearlessness by facing your fear. 

    This turning to meet a crisis, rather than running away from it, is a practice that leads to a shaky tenderness that can eventually grow into forgiveness, healing, and recovery.  Just knowing that's possible can bolster our courage today, no matter where we stand in the surf. 

The Haggards' Dilemma

    Disgraced evangelist Ted Haggard and his wife, Gayle, are making the rounds on major talk shows this week.  Oprah Winfrey and Larry King have both probed this family's most intimate history, and a documentary about the fallen pastor is forthcoming.

    It has been two years since "Pastor Ted's" homosexuality was revealed by the male prostitute who also provided the prominent minister with crystal meth.  That revelation destroyed the church leader's pristine reputation and ended his career as kingpin of an evangelical Christian empire in Colorado Springs.  His New Life Church reportedly had 14,000 members when the shocking story broke in November, 2006.

    The main difference between Ted Haggard's straight spouse and millions of others is that she's struggling with her personal decisions under the microscope of the mocking media.  When most gay mates come out, it creates a private, personal crisis.  When a famous person's secrets are revealed, it's a major news event that the whole world watches and judges.  In this particular case, the sensational outing nearly brought a whole religious organization down and affected the faith of numerous believers. 

    Gayle Haggard speaks of her disorienting experience in the same terms used by countless other straight spouses:  "The rug was pulled out from under me," and "I asked him, who are you?"  Repeatedly, she declares her enduring love for her husband, their five children, and the teachings of their religion as her motivation to stay with him.  For his part, Ted Haggard vows that he has revealed all his secrets to his wife and his counselor and that his homosexual urges are under control.  So far, this family has stayed together.

    Only about 15% of mixed orientation marriages remain intact three years after disclosure.  What are the chances that the Haggards will be among them?  My observation and research make me skeptical that Ted can keep his vow to repress his homosexuality and remain ever faithful to his wife.  Though he still won't identify as gay, he admits that he still "thinks of men, but without compulsion."  The odds are that he'll have additional homosexual encounters.  That could end this marriage.

    On the other hand, three powerful forces are at work here that might keep the Haggard family intact.  First, they adhere to a religious belief that homosexuality is a sin but that sin can be forgiven--"seventy times seven."  Gayle has forgiven much already and may be capable of continuing the pattern.  Second, the family has returned to Colorado Springs, where they have a huge, supportive network of friends and followers from Ted's former pastorate.  They could eventually urge him back into a ministry, relieving current economic pressure on the marriage as well.

    For any gay-straight couple who wish to remain married, the example of the Haggard family may offer some guidance.  Factors that help sustain a mixed-orientation marriage include

• Mutual love that abides even after the coming-out crisis
• Absolute honesty in open communication
• Common philosophical or religious foundation
• Sincere intention of the gay mate to be faithful to the marriage, OR mutually accepted open marriage or other alternative marital agreement
• Capability of repeated forgiveness
• Supportive friends and family
• Ongoing therapy or professional counseling for all involved
• Economic incentives (sometimes becoming "golden handcuffs")

    It's unusual for any gay-straight couple to stay married.  The vast majority separate quickly, often with acrimony.  For those who choose to maintain their marital bonds, it is never easy.  Regardless of one's attitute toward Ted Haggard and his whole public drama, his wife's loyal determination demands respect and the whole family's struggle elicits empathy.  Their outcome will be interesting.

Wedding Accomplished Just In Time

    Six rows of white folding chairs changed my former husband's Palm Springs living room into a wedding chapel.  With soft organ music and joyous greetings, fifty guests filled the seats as the ceremony was about to begin.  Beethoven's "Hymn to Joy" set the mood as a minister in white vestments led the couple to the front of the room. 

    Jim and his partner were sealing their commitment with a lawful marriage ceremony.  With close friends and several family members present, they shared traditional vows "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer,for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part."  Each repeated the familiar promises with sincerity and emotion, exchanging gold wedding rings to symbolize their vows.

    This same-sex wedding was as traditional as any ordinary marriage ceremony I'd attended before,  but it was singularly moving and significant to me.  To my husband Dale and me and to my grown sons, it represented our complete acceptance of Jim as a gay man.  Our presence as witnesses to his marriage demonstrated that recognition.  We're still a family, though an unusually extended one--stretched in ways we never thought possible.

    Truthfully, I had gone to California with trepidation.  I didn't know exactly how it would affect me to watch Jim marry another man.  I didn't know how my own husband would feel, though I was deeply grateful for his support during this emotionally charged life event.  I had also worried about my older son, a religious conservative who surely must experience huge inner conflict between his church's teachings and our family ties.  Historic tension between my two sons was also a concern.  How would they respond to unaccustomed closeness during three energy-draining days?

    I needn't have worried.  Thankfully, those busy days passed without any unpleasantness.  Everyone tried hard to make each person comfortable.  The two families mixed freely, getting acquainted, sharing meals, overlooking differences in lifestyle and background.  In fact, it was fun!  This wedding was a benchmark.  I believe that we all reached a new plane of understanding and openness.  "It is what it is," Dale often says, implying simple, effortless acceptance.

    Jim's October 30th wedding was a memorable experience for everyone attending.  I'm thrilled that, like me, he is committed to his life-partner in a sanctified marriage.  They are among the lucky ones.  The rules have changed again.  On November 4 California voters passed Proposition 8 to ban same-sex marriages and override the recent court decision legalizing them.  The new constitutional amendment limits marriage to heterosexual couples.  Enormous amounts of money were poured into this regressive action, the first time such a measure has passed in a state where gay unions had been legal.

    Jim and his partner made it under the wire, celebrating their marriage just five days before it would have been impossible.  Like 18,000 other gay couples married since the California Supreme Court legalized it last May, their marriage will remain valid, according to state Attorney General Jerry Brown.  This battle between conflicting laws dramatically demonstrates that civil rights can never be taken for granted, even in our republic.

    For a fuller discussion of the rationale supporting gay marriage, see my October 20 blog, "Gay Marriage Now Personal."

Gay Marriage Now Personal

    My husband and I are attending a wedding October 30.  That wouldn't be especially unusual, except that the event holds particular significance in my own journey as a straight spouse.  This ceremony will join in matrimony my former husband and his male partner, and I couldn't be happier for them both.  I have moved on in my life, happily remarried.  My ex- will now be so blessed.  This joyous occasion represents a new chapter for us all.

    Until now, the controversy swirling around gay marriage has seemed somewhat academic, though I recognized that real human needs motivated the movement.  The Straight Spouse Network and PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) have long advocated same-sex marriage.  They note that the freedom to marry a partner of the same gender helps to avoid the heartbreak of mixed-orientation marriages.

    There's a big difference between co-habitation and marriage, and every committed couple who desires it should have the legal benefits and comfort of formal wedlock.  It's a civil right.  Now that it affects the father of my children, this issue has assumed personal impact.

    What does legal marriage mean in a couple's daily life?  In my opinion, the greatest personal and social benefit is that wedlock assumes fidelity.  It obviously discourages promiscuous sex, hence diminishing the spread of STDs and AIDS. 

    But that obvious argument is only the beginning.  A 1997 report to the Office of the General Counsel of the U.S. General Accounting Office listed 1,138 benefits of same-sex marriage, including rights taken for granted by traditional couples.  They involve medical, property, insurance, tax, and family protections and include

• Joint parenting, child custody, joint adoption and foster care rights
• Property rights; housing
• Tax breaks for married couples
• Shared insurance benefits and Social Security survivor benefits
• Veterans' benefits and military service family benefits
• Medical decisions on behalf of the partner and hospital visitation
• Sick leave to care for the partner; bereavement leave
• Automatic inheritance and assumption of spouse's pension
• Domestic violence and divorce protections 

    In Colorado, where I live, the passage of an amendment to our state constitution caused an uproar.  "Amendment 2" prohibited specific legal protections for gay and lesbian people, including equality in employment, housing, and other commonly assumed rights.  The constitutional change passed by the narrowest margin and was immediately challenged by a coalition of outraged citizens.  The trial court and the Colorado Supreme Court ruled against it, agreeing that Amendment 2 infringed on homosexuals' participation in the political process and violated the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

    Finally, in 1996, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled on the issue in Romer v. Evans.  In a 6 to 3 vote, the court struck the Colorado Amendment down before it was ever implemented.  Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the majority opinion:

Amendment 2 classifies homosexuals not to further a proper legislative end but to make them unequal to everyone else.  This Colorado cannot do.  A State cannot so deem a class of persons a stranger to its laws.  Amendment 2 violates the Equal Protection Clause.

    While same-sex marriage was not specifically named in this amendment, matrimony is a civil right in our country analogous to those specified.  Justice Kennedy summarized the Supreme Court's decision to that effect:

We cannot accept the view that Amendment 2's prohibition on specific legal protections does no more than deprive homosexuals of special rights.  To the contrary, the amendment imposes a special disability on those persons alone.  Homosexuals are forbidden the safeguards that others enjoy or may seek without constraint.

    To those who wonder how straight spouses like me can open so fully to gay marriage, I offer a quote from the philosopher Victor Frankl.  We who lived in the concentration camps can remember those who walked through the huts, comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread, giving proof that everything can be taken from us, but one thing, the last of human freedoms: to choose our attitude, our spirit, in any given set of circumstances. 

    When I congratulate my former husband and his spouse on their marriage, I will do so with genuine good wishes for their future happiness.  It's another symbol of the "letting go" that allows complete healing from wounds of the past.

    How do you feel about this issue?  Please comment on your opinions!

Gay or Straight--Not a Choice

    "When did you decide to become gay?"  My friend Sam had heard that question before, implying that he arbitrarily chose his sexual orientation.  I loved his quick comeback that ended the futile exchange:  "When did you decide to become straight?"

    The erroneous assumption that we choose to be gay or straight has been difficult to correct.  Now there is new evidence that sexual orientation is inborn.

    Researchers in Stockholm have just published results of their study of the brain architecture of gays and straights in the Procedures of the National Academy of Science ( http://www.pnas.org/  June 16, 2008).  The scientists searched for sources of cognitive differences by measuring brain structure directly, bypassing the possibility of learned cues.

    Using MRI and measurements of cerebral blood flow in 90 subjects, including gay males, lesbians, and both male and female heterosexuals, they found key similarities between the brains of

• Gay males and heterosexual females, and
• Lesbians and heterosexual males.

These results strongly suggest neurobiological origins of sexual orientation linked to pre-birth brain structures, not to factors after birth.

    My gay friend's retort defied the assumption that being gay--or straight--is a choice.  Nor is it attributable to parental influence or style, sexual molestation in childhood, or any other external factor as a person grows into adulthood.  Rather, this study adds to increasing evidence that being gay or straight is biologically fixed.

    Why does this matter to a straight spouse whose mate is gay?  It is one more reason not to blame yourself.  When my husband came out, I spent months feeling somehow responsible.  My self-esteem plummeted. Now I know that I had nothing to do with his being gay, and nothing I could have done would change that biologically fixed trait.  This new research makes it a little easier to understand what happened in our family.

    Sandra Witelson, a neuroscientist at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, predicted that this report might erode some moral judgments against homosexuals and perhaps counter arguments that homosexuality is merely a lifestyle choice.  Dr. Qazi Rahman of the University of London commented, "As far as I'm concerned, there is no argument anymore--if you are gay, you are born gay."