Turn Calamity Into Calm

            Appearances may not reflect reality, particularly when it is necessary to hide a secret.  After 20 years of what seemed to be a perfect marriage, Greg's wife came out as a lesbian.  With her one sentence, “I’m gay,” their familiar, comfortable suburban life turned upside down and Greg joined the ranks of straight spouses—heterosexuals who unknowingly married gays.  Both mates made an abrupt turn into a future that is very different from what they'd planned.

            Whether it’s a spouse coming out, as in Greg's case, or dire illness, death of a child, financial ruin, or one of countless other human crises, people do survive.  They work through the immediate pain and recognize opportunity beyond.   This takes time, but ten tested tools can help turn calamity into calm. 

1. Relax as it is.  The past is gone; it cannot be changed.  The future is not yet here, and most of the things we fear will not happen.  All we really have is now--this moment in time.  Stay firmly in the present moment.  Breathe deeply and let go of regret over the past and fear of the future.  Now is here!

2. Change your mind.  Poet John Milton nailed it:  “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”  Thoughts control actions and we control our thoughts.  Heal yourself through choice and effort.  Notice any tendency to replay your story line and relive your past dramas.  Press the stop button!  Replace destructive thinking with conscious optimism, and make a fresh start with uplifted thoughts.  Avoid people who carry and reinforce rage; instead, affirm hope.

3. Keep talking.  Find a trusted friend who’s a good listener.  This may be a counselor, relative, pastor, or just someone you’ve known a long time.  Sharing your troubles and thoughts lightens your load and helps to clarify your own thoughts.  

Just as important, talk to yourself!  Encourage yourself with positive self-talk to build confidence.  Repeat affirmations that are meaningful to you, such as, “I am a whole and worthwhile person.”  “I have everything I need to lead the life I choose.” “I can do this!”

4. Find outside resources.  A few clicks on the Internet can locate support groups and chat rooms for people in almost any crisis—health, family, relationship, financial, career, even spiritual.  If you’re not computer savvy, local public librarians can usually do the research for you.  Internet resources offer up-to-date information and, if necessary, protect your privacy and identity.

5. Get a pet.  Having a living being to love and care for is therapeutic, especially during a crisis.  Animals’ unconditional affection may comfort physical or emotional pain.

6. Pay attention to your health.  Take time for unhurried, nutritious meals and sufficient sleep.  Take a walk in place of a cocktail. “Everything in moderation” is a good guide, especially in times of stress.

7. Cultivate curiosity about the larger world.  Consciously reach out to new friends and develop constructive new interests that move you outside your personal problems.  Take a class.  Start a hobby.  Learn a different skill, or travel to a place you’ve never seen.

8. Nourish the spirit.  Whether you’re religious or not, nourish your own spirit during this time of healing.  Find a practice that helps your find your own center, your inner peace.  Maybe it is meditation or prayer, reading spiritual books, yoga or bicycling, hiking a mountain or sitting quietly by a river.  Follow your own definition of spirituality and practice it.

9. Forgive.  Harboring resentment is like eating rat poison, then expecting the rat to die.  Anger only hurts the person who is angry.  Philosopher Wayne Dyer summarized it:  “It’s not the snakebite that kills you, it’s the venom.”  Research indicates that the ability to let go of resentment is paramount for ultimate emotional recovery.

10. Live “On Purpose.”  Country singer Dolly Parton touched deep truth when she said, “Find out who you are, and do it on purpose.”  Invigorate mind and spirit by finding some meaningful cause, work, activity, philosophy, or value system that engages and uplifts.  Living “on purpose” feeds the need to give back and nurtures emotional health.  Use it as a yardstick to measure any new activity or direction.  Simply ask, “Is this on purpose?”

There is no guarantee of total recovery after any life crisis, but these ten tools have worked repeatedly and are established in related literature. The very first step is to open your heart to new purpose in a renewed life.  Set fresh goals to pursue with energy. Ultimate healing requires choice, focus, effort, and time, but success is certainly possible.  You have much to give, so affirm your own worth in your thoughts and self-talk.  You can do this! 

Comments

[Gail Storey]

Carol, you share such well earned wisdom. These tips are a great summary, good for everyday living as well as coping in a crisis. Thanks for putting this post together.