“It’s driving me crazy that my
husband won’t own up to the truth that he’s gay!”
“I’m
certain that my wife is lesbian, but she won’t admit it.”
Comments like these are common on this site and reflect the straight spouse’s dilemma when a gay partner remains in denial of his or her true sexual orientation. Resulting ambivalence traps everyone in greater uncertainty. What is the next step? How can they move forward toward an acceptable resolution? They are both truly stuck. Lacking clear answers, both partners often retreat back into the closet and face their individual pain in isolation.
The purpose of this Web log is to provide a safe outlet for these isolated people to voice their questions and their answers--to communicate anonymously with each other to share personal experiences. Visitors to the site discover that their mixed-orientation marriages are not unique. It helps to know they are not alone. While each family’s situation is slightly different, there are common experiences that can be shared and we learn from each other.
Despite its
effectiveness, there are limitations to this kind of virtual friendship. It isn’t as personal or spontaneous as genuine
face-to-face conversation. That’s why
finding a trusted confidant or counselor is so important, and why the peer
support groups of the Straight Spouse Network work so well.
The pioneer of the Straight Spouse Network, Amity Pierce Buxton, is now semi-retired from the organization she founded in 1986, but she still writes as an advocate for this cause. She recently published an Op-Ed piece commenting on Outrage, a documentary condemning the hypocrisy of gay politicians who hide their sexual identity while vigorously supporting anti-gay measures. (Amity’s article was reproduced online by The Avocate at www.theadvocate.com . The direct link is http://t.pm0.net/s/c?r.cp14.13.8w8r.3lxf .) Her main point is that the destructive traps created by gay-straight marriages would disappear if homosexual people were accepted by society. If there were no need to hide one’s sexual orientation, secrecy would be unnecessary and the dark closets occupied by mixed-orientation couples would vanish.
Until that broad social acceptance becomes a reality, I will offer resources for men and women still trapped in the closet, those suffering the pain of separation from a gay mate, and those recovering from the complex effects of their straight spouse experience. As long as it’s clear there’s a felt need, this blog will remain online. For further related information, books, and videos, also visit my Web site at http://www.carolgrever.com/html/books.php .
Welcome to this safe place to share
your story.
It was just last Friday that I searched the internet for information about straight spouses married to gay men. What a revelation! It's sad for me to say I've been married for nearly 35 years and I said from the outset "he's not 'into' women". There were "gay incidences" but no solid proof. He took my life from me in order to hide his secret. The stories I'm reading about the lives of others are my "proof" that he's absolutely gay and in total, complete denial. We haven't had sexual relations in about 27 years and prior to that it was seldom...we both hated it. I didn't marry until I was 30 (1975) and when I met him I thought he was such a gentleman, he came from a strict religious background and must not have had much experience with women (although he had been previously married for 2 years). I'm skipping over a lot of details. He wanted me to get pregnant immediately, it wasn't working; when he was tested by a urologist he was told he had a very low sperm count. He blamed that on being an X-ray tech during the Vietnam War era as his medical duties in the Philippines (he claimed he often didn't wear the heavy covering when taking the x-rays). I tried artificial insemination (with someone else's sperm). Then I got on an adoption waiting list through an attorney. We adopted our son in 1978. So while I've had my intuition about his orientation, while I've confronted him with my feelings a few times, he has continued to deny it vehemently. My life has been a living nightmare with this man and I can only say "I was blind, but now I see". The control, the manipulation, the isolation. There's so much to my story, and I've been so angry for so many years, but still felt I was in a marriage....I said "for better or worse". This is the worse nightmare a woman can live. More another time....I'm finding answers, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm grieving....and he doesn't even know that I KNOW. I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow and will decide where to go from there. I'm not the type to keep a secret so this will be on the table very soon. Patricia from Cincinnati
Posted by: Patricia Moerdyke | March 10, 2010 at 07:16 AM
Dear Patricia,
Your experience is all too familiar. You are in that most painful stage of discovery and recognition of your situation. It's like jumping into a frozen lake; the chill remains for a long time. However, you've already taken your first important step toward recovery, contacting a professional counselor. Good for you! I hope that you'll visit this site again and share your experience to help others in the same circumstance. Best wishes in your journey.
Carol Grever
Posted by: Carol Grever | March 10, 2010 at 04:54 PM