Cultivating Fearlessness

    The beloved American Buddhist Nun, Pema Chodron, gave a teaching recently to address the "ubiquitous nervousness" that is globally pervasive.  There seems to be no escape from our constant hum of anxiety.  We fear that society as we've known it is disintegrating.  It requires a journey of bravery simply to cope, day to day.

    Straight spouses bear this cultural anxiety on top of their underlying personal blow of having their intimate partner come out.  In the beginning of that journey, fear is our constant companion.  It may be small consolation, but Pema points out that facing such a crisis may actually be preferable to the torture of the low, constant hum of uncertainty, of "not knowing."  When the family secret is out in the open, at least we can see our challenge clearly.

    During crisis, fear can lead to aggression, blame, resentment, even violence.  We would do anything to regain security, but in our panic choose words and actions that make matters worse.  But there's also good news here:  Moment by moment, we do have power to choose our next act.  Moment by moment we can choose wakefulness, sanity, non-aggression--words and actions that promote peace rather than more conflict.

    If a confrontation is imminent, STOP.  Be quiet.  Ask yourself, "What happens next?"  Listen to your own mind.  Be present and open to whatever is happening inside, then respond authentically.  Sometimes pausing in this way works toward a peaceful solution, sometimes not.  But whether an individual effort succeeds or fails, that kind of mindfulness is the path toward resolution.

    Fear is the vanguard of courage.  We learn fearlessness from experiencing and standing up to fear.  Pema used a wave metaphor to clarify the point.  You are standing in the surf when a huge wave breaks over your head and pulls you down and out toward the sea.  You have sand in your eyes and mouth and feel helpless and terrified in the undertow.  But the wave recedes and you can stand up and start to regain your balance.  Then another wave crashes over you, knocks you down again.  You manage to stand up again, and then there's another wave.  As this keeps happening, again and again, you learn that you can stand up over and over, and the waves become less frightening.  The waves may actually seem smaller.  By squarely facing fear, you've found your sustaining valor.

    As a recovering straight spouse, you probably thought you would drown in waves of betrayal, disappointment, rage, grief, and uncertainty.  But you're here.  You've made it this far.  What didn't kill you made you stronger, as Camus famously said.  So whether you're being pulled out in the undertow, or stggering back to your feet, or finding your balance on the shore, you're gaining courage with each wave and each recovery.  You're learning fearlessness by facing your fear. 

    This turning to meet a crisis, rather than running away from it, is a practice that leads to a shaky tenderness that can eventually grow into forgiveness, healing, and recovery.  Just knowing that's possible can bolster our courage today, no matter where we stand in the surf. 

Comments

[Margaret Pevec]

Congratulations for making the finalist's list for "When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate's Recovery Manual" from the California Author's League, Carol!

[Laurel Kallenbach]

Thank you especially for the wave metaphor to combat fear. It's a wonderful way to think about how to "stand up" to what frightens us!

[Heather C]

I love the analogies that you use in your stories, Carol. Last month you told the stories of the wolves and this month the waves. Both give great movies to play in my head when choosing how to react to volitile situations. Thank you!

[Carol Grever]

Thanks for your comments about the wave metaphor. Pema Chodron has a wonderful way of teaching with these simple stories. The wave image is a good reminder that courage grows each time we face a fear and pick ourselves up to face the next one. It reminds me of the quote attributed to Camus: "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."

Carol Grever