Meet Carol Grever

  • Carol Grever has been a successful businesswoman and English professor. From personal experience, she's authored two books and produced a documentary on straight spouse recovery. A recognized spokesperson on straight spouse issues, she's appeared on major network TV shows, including "The Oprah Winfrey Show" and "Good Morning America." You can read more about Carol here.

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March 27, 2009


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More than two years have passed since Margaret's death, and Alissa's comment recalled the whole experience again. In these two years, I've tested the old grandmother's advice to feed the peaceful wolf. That wise elder was right: We can improve our quality of relationships by making positive choices, one after the other. Each choice is small, but they add up to peace. This Wednesday, my husband and I will host a holiday brunch, welcoming my ex-husband and his husband, my former sister-in-law, and two of their friends. Peaceful intentions have allowed us to grow into this odd but new sense of family. I urge others to choose peace as well.

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. From the nursing home story leading up to her passing, it seemed like you and your family went through much pain.


Hi Carol and all those who might read this,

well it is a bit under three months since my wife told me that she is gay and promptly left. As one of my work colleagues said " But you worshiped the ground she walked on" which pretty much summed up how I felt about her and gives you an idea how much it hurt.

Well I had some councelling and I am well on the way to whatever normal is and finding balance in life. I went to some very dark places and what got me out of it was the wolf story and some other comments here, so thank you all for that. Oh and my sister is a psychiatrist and loved the story and has used it with some of her patients.

So thanks for all your help, I still have a way to go but the dark times are getting less. Frankly I refuse to have my life ruined over this as its NOT my fault so why should I be destroyed by it?



To RP: Since you have only known for three weeks that your wife is lesbian,
it is absolutely understandable that you feel confused. It takes some time
to adjust to this new piece of information about someone you love and
thought you knew inside out. This stage of shock includes some denial, some
anger, and lots of disappointment for most people. Give yourself time and
your situation will clarify. It's hard, but know that you are not alone and
that others have felt the same way--and survived. I'm glad that this site
is useful to you and I hope you'll visit often.

Carol Grever

On Sat, Sep 19, 2009 at 6:28 PM, wrote:


my wife is a lesbian. There, it is said.

I cant hate her but have struggled with it for the last 3 weeks since I found out. I love her too much (is there such a thing) and am feeding my better wolf but the nasty one is still getting some scraps.

I am SO grateful for this site, it gives me hope and balance when I so need it.

Lorraine, I believe that you have the key to your healing right here. To harbor resentment and hatred is to feed yourself poison. To accept what cannot be changed is to find peace. Ultimately, to forgive brings complete recovery. This progression from acceptance to renewal has been proven over and over. I can attest to its power to change lives. It changed mine!

Carol Grever

Carol, I sent you an email tonight and I may well have sounded bitter and angry ...part of me is. Earlier today I encouraged my teens to do something nice for father's day. My son(17 and gay as well) asked, "Why don't you hate him?" I replied that it would make nothing better if I did. I agreed that his father had done some awful things but being nasty or unkind in return wouldn't change anything except make us less. I guess I was telling him to feed the right wolf.

Carol - once again you have given me such great hope that I will have the strength to consistently choose to take the high road - the path that, when things get crazy between my kids and their dad - will lead us all to a place of calm rather than anger. Love the story about the wolves.

Mandy, you're so right! One of my favorite quotes is from Book I of John Milton's "Paradise Lost" [255]: "The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n."

Carol Grever

Hi Carol - my condolences on your mother-in-law's passing. Thank you for sharing the two wolf story. It's so simple but oh, so true. I do agree with you - almost everything we do is a choice. It is quite remarkable how different situations look when we take a few moments and consciously decide how we want to react.

I enjoyed “Fight Inside Me” very much, partly because I too had heard David’s talk and had my eyes opened by that story of the two wolves. But I'd forgotten about it, and this post came at a time when I needed to remember it. Thanks for passing on the wisdom, reinforcing it, and adding your own. Your post encouraged me to get through my tense moments by feeding the wolf of compassion, toward myself as much as others.

Thanks for that.

Julene Bair

A wonderful reminder that we have the power to choose. Thanks, Carol, for your story about the wolves.

My greatest crises have brought my most essential lessons. Staying open to these discoveries during painful situations is the key. The two-wolf story also recalls Thich Nhat Hanh's image of choosing which seeds we water. As time goes by, it's the peaceful wolf and the wholesome seeds that reward us best. I'm grateful for Margaret as a role model of accepting life's blows with equanimity. Thanks to all of you for your supportive comments on this post.

Carol Grever

Your story came at an important moment for me, Carol. Thank you so much for sharing. Your honest and open posts light the way for many, I'm sure.

Kudos to you for bridging two parts of your life with grace and dignity. Although being with family and remembering so vividly the past was uncomfortable, you kept feeding the wolf of love and compassion. That seems to be most important thing here. And thanks for sharing your struggles with us. We all grow by hearing others speak their truth.

Carol, thanks for sharing such wisdom. I'll never forget that wolf story. Your former mother-in-law must have loved and appreciated you so much.

Isn't it amazing how insights come to us when we are ready to accept them? Wonderful metaphor here that I will remember and put into use. It also reminds me of a comment from one of my mentors that has stayed with me through the years: "If you don't like where you're at in life or are dissatisfied with something about yourself, examine the choices you've made in the past that have brought you to where you are today; then make new ones as a remedy." Thanks so much for sharing this here, Carol!

My condolences to you and your family. And my thanks for the wolf story--a wonderful metaphor.

The balancing act you managed took admirable strength, and the wolves story is invaluable. Thanks.

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  • Carol Grever's books and documentary DVD inform and empower straight spouses and their families.  Click on any cover image to learn more.

    Award Winning
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