The Fight Inside Me

    These past few weeks were filled with emotional ups and downs in my family.  My former husband's mother was in and out of the hospital, then to the nursing home for end-of-life care under hospice supervision.  Relatives came and went, saying their good-byes.  Margaret tried to stay cheerful as her body weakened, and we all finally knew that any day could be her last.  She died on March 16, five days before her 94th birthday.

    Margaret's death brought many important realizations.  Driving to and from the nursing home, I was engulfed in memories of my life with my gay husband, with its mixture of happiness and conflict and the upheaval that ended that marriage.  Thrown together almost daily with my former husband was confusing.  There was a constant overlay of past and present.  I was the bridge between the family of my past and my happier present reality, smoothing the way for superficial but well-meaning conversations between two men who could not be more different.

    Even more difficult was balancing opposite philosophies and spiritual practices among family members.  Margaret's memorial service last week served as a magnifying glass to emphasize those differences:  Baptist vs. Buddhist.  Materialist vs. Idealist.  Narcissist vs. Selfless.  Past vs. Present.  My tension was palpable.

    Finally it was over.  Margaret was interred in Lubbock, next to her beloved husband of more than 50 years.  My ex-husband and sons went back to their own utterly dissimilar lives on opposite sides of the country, and I was left in blessed quiet to explore what it all means.

    By chance, I heard a Dharma talk titled "Spiritual Wealth," by David Chernikoff, leader of the Boulder Insight Meditation Community.  He recalled a Native American traditional story that I've been pondering since.  His tale of two wolves is a metaphor for the tension I've just described--and it points to an ancient, reliable solution.  I want to share this story with other straight spouses, with hope that it will guide them as well.

    A grandmother is teaching her little granddaughter.  She says, "Two wolves are fighting inside you.  One of the wolves is hateful, angry, aggressive, envious, resentful, guilty, and despairing.  The other wolf is compassionate, joyful, peaceful, loving, hopeful, serene, kind, generous, and forgiving.  These two wolves are always fighting inside you."

   The little girl thinks about this image of opposites for a moment, then asks, "Grandmother, which wolf wins?"

    The wise elder replies, "The one you feed."

    This simple story brought my own internal battle into sharp focus, renewing my personal determination to feed my peaceful wolf. I believe that we create our own lives through our choices: Love or hate, peace or war, resentment or forgiveness.  Ultimately our lives are shaped by countless accumulated choices and we gain mastery over our own thoughts.  In any given situation, we can feed one wolf or the other, and our choice will determine our outcome. 

Comments

[Ina Russell]

The balancing act you managed took admirable strength, and the wolves story is invaluable. Thanks.

[Kathleen Christensen]

My condolences to you and your family. And my thanks for the wolf story--a wonderful metaphor.

[Jerry J Bigner]

Isn't it amazing how insights come to us when we are ready to accept them? Wonderful metaphor here that I will remember and put into use. It also reminds me of a comment from one of my mentors that has stayed with me through the years: "If you don't like where you're at in life or are dissatisfied with something about yourself, examine the choices you've made in the past that have brought you to where you are today; then make new ones as a remedy." Thanks so much for sharing this here, Carol!

[Gail Storey]

Carol, thanks for sharing such wisdom. I'll never forget that wolf story. Your former mother-in-law must have loved and appreciated you so much.

[Laurel Kallenbach]

Kudos to you for bridging two parts of your life with grace and dignity. Although being with family and remembering so vividly the past was uncomfortable, you kept feeding the wolf of love and compassion. That seems to be most important thing here. And thanks for sharing your struggles with us. We all grow by hearing others speak their truth.

[Rosemary Carstens]

Your story came at an important moment for me, Carol. Thank you so much for sharing. Your honest and open posts light the way for many, I'm sure.

[Carol Grever]

My greatest crises have brought my most essential lessons. Staying open to these discoveries during painful situations is the key. The two-wolf story also recalls Thich Nhat Hanh's image of choosing which seeds we water. As time goes by, it's the peaceful wolf and the wholesome seeds that reward us best. I'm grateful for Margaret as a role model of accepting life's blows with equanimity. Thanks to all of you for your supportive comments on this post.

Carol Grever

[Kathy Kaiser]

A wonderful reminder that we have the power to choose. Thanks, Carol, for your story about the wolves.

[Julene Bair]

I enjoyed “Fight Inside Me” very much, partly because I too had heard David’s talk and had my eyes opened by that story of the two wolves. But I'd forgotten about it, and this post came at a time when I needed to remember it. Thanks for passing on the wisdom, reinforcing it, and adding your own. Your post encouraged me to get through my tense moments by feeding the wolf of compassion, toward myself as much as others.

Thanks for that.

Julene Bair

[Mandy]

Hi Carol - my condolences on your mother-in-law's passing. Thank you for sharing the two wolf story. It's so simple but oh, so true. I do agree with you - almost everything we do is a choice. It is quite remarkable how different situations look when we take a few moments and consciously decide how we want to react.

[Carol Grever]

Mandy, you're so right! One of my favorite quotes is from Book I of John Milton's "Paradise Lost" [255]: "The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n."

Carol Grever

[Heather C]

Carol - once again you have given me such great hope that I will have the strength to consistently choose to take the high road - the path that, when things get crazy between my kids and their dad - will lead us all to a place of calm rather than anger. Love the story about the wolves.

[Lorraine M]

Carol, I sent you an email tonight and I may well have sounded bitter and angry ...part of me is. Earlier today I encouraged my teens to do something nice for father's day. My son(17 and gay as well) asked, "Why don't you hate him?" I replied that it would make nothing better if I did. I agreed that his father had done some awful things but being nasty or unkind in return wouldn't change anything except make us less. I guess I was telling him to feed the right wolf.

[Carol Grever]

Lorraine, I believe that you have the key to your healing right here. To harbor resentment and hatred is to feed yourself poison. To accept what cannot be changed is to find peace. Ultimately, to forgive brings complete recovery. This progression from acceptance to renewal has been proven over and over. I can attest to its power to change lives. It changed mine!

Carol Grever

[RP]

Hi,

my wife is a lesbian. There, it is said.

I cant hate her but have struggled with it for the last 3 weeks since I found out. I love her too much (is there such a thing) and am feeding my better wolf but the nasty one is still getting some scraps.

I am SO grateful for this site, it gives me hope and balance when I so need it.

[Carol Grever]

To RP: Since you have only known for three weeks that your wife is lesbian,
it is absolutely understandable that you feel confused. It takes some time
to adjust to this new piece of information about someone you love and
thought you knew inside out. This stage of shock includes some denial, some
anger, and lots of disappointment for most people. Give yourself time and
your situation will clarify. It's hard, but know that you are not alone and
that others have felt the same way--and survived. I'm glad that this site
is useful to you and I hope you'll visit often.

Carol Grever

On Sat, Sep 19, 2009 at 6:28 PM, wrote:

[Roger]

Hi Carol and all those who might read this,

well it is a bit under three months since my wife told me that she is gay and promptly left. As one of my work colleagues said " But you worshiped the ground she walked on" which pretty much summed up how I felt about her and gives you an idea how much it hurt.

Well I had some councelling and I am well on the way to whatever normal is and finding balance in life. I went to some very dark places and what got me out of it was the wolf story and some other comments here, so thank you all for that. Oh and my sister is a psychiatrist and loved the story and has used it with some of her patients.

So thanks for all your help, I still have a way to go but the dark times are getting less. Frankly I refuse to have my life ruined over this as its NOT my fault so why should I be destroyed by it?

cheers

RP