The Haggards' Dilemma

    Disgraced evangelist Ted Haggard and his wife, Gayle, are making the rounds on major talk shows this week.  Oprah Winfrey and Larry King have both probed this family's most intimate history, and a documentary about the fallen pastor is forthcoming.

    It has been two years since "Pastor Ted's" homosexuality was revealed by the male prostitute who also provided the prominent minister with crystal meth.  That revelation destroyed the church leader's pristine reputation and ended his career as kingpin of an evangelical Christian empire in Colorado Springs.  His New Life Church reportedly had 14,000 members when the shocking story broke in November, 2006.

    The main difference between Ted Haggard's straight spouse and millions of others is that she's struggling with her personal decisions under the microscope of the mocking media.  When most gay mates come out, it creates a private, personal crisis.  When a famous person's secrets are revealed, it's a major news event that the whole world watches and judges.  In this particular case, the sensational outing nearly brought a whole religious organization down and affected the faith of numerous believers. 

    Gayle Haggard speaks of her disorienting experience in the same terms used by countless other straight spouses:  "The rug was pulled out from under me," and "I asked him, who are you?"  Repeatedly, she declares her enduring love for her husband, their five children, and the teachings of their religion as her motivation to stay with him.  For his part, Ted Haggard vows that he has revealed all his secrets to his wife and his counselor and that his homosexual urges are under control.  So far, this family has stayed together.

    Only about 15% of mixed orientation marriages remain intact three years after disclosure.  What are the chances that the Haggards will be among them?  My observation and research make me skeptical that Ted can keep his vow to repress his homosexuality and remain ever faithful to his wife.  Though he still won't identify as gay, he admits that he still "thinks of men, but without compulsion."  The odds are that he'll have additional homosexual encounters.  That could end this marriage.

    On the other hand, three powerful forces are at work here that might keep the Haggard family intact.  First, they adhere to a religious belief that homosexuality is a sin but that sin can be forgiven--"seventy times seven."  Gayle has forgiven much already and may be capable of continuing the pattern.  Second, the family has returned to Colorado Springs, where they have a huge, supportive network of friends and followers from Ted's former pastorate.  They could eventually urge him back into a ministry, relieving current economic pressure on the marriage as well.

    For any gay-straight couple who wish to remain married, the example of the Haggard family may offer some guidance.  Factors that help sustain a mixed-orientation marriage include

• Mutual love that abides even after the coming-out crisis
• Absolute honesty in open communication
• Common philosophical or religious foundation
• Sincere intention of the gay mate to be faithful to the marriage, OR mutually accepted open marriage or other alternative marital agreement
• Capability of repeated forgiveness
• Supportive friends and family
• Ongoing therapy or professional counseling for all involved
• Economic incentives (sometimes becoming "golden handcuffs")

    It's unusual for any gay-straight couple to stay married.  The vast majority separate quickly, often with acrimony.  For those who choose to maintain their marital bonds, it is never easy.  Regardless of one's attitute toward Ted Haggard and his whole public drama, his wife's loyal determination demands respect and the whole family's struggle elicits empathy.  Their outcome will be interesting.

Comments

[Melanie Mulhall]

Carol,

I heard Ted tell Oprah that he does not consider himself to be a homosexual. In fact, he insists there is no easy way to describe his tendencies and refuses to be labeled. He admits to homosexual leanings or desires or tendencies . . . something along those lines.

I wonder how to think of him. I'm not convinced he has told all. I am convinced that his wife is in for more bumpy ride. Will they be together in 3 years or 5? I doubt it, but he has somehow gone from just being a liar and cheat for me. I'm curious to see how this will unfold.

Thanks for your insights, as always.

Melanie

[eleanor]

I couldn't agree more with Carol that Gayle's Haggard's decision to stay with her husband deserves respect, and it is important to be empathic to all of the family and their determination to remain family. I would add a couple of other thoughts:
Ted stated that he prefers not to label his sexuality; certainly he has the right to do so. What I found interesting is that he continually defined his sexuality as confusing. Anyone who is in his shoes can certainly relate, I am sure, however, it also indicates to me that he has not completed the process. He certainly has no obligation to express how he identifies sexually except to himself and his family, however, if he still feels confused, then there is alot more work to be done, as he himself acknowledged. As he continues the work, he can certainly describe himself as gay, although for many reasons, not the least of which is his evangelical Christianity, he probably will not, straight (he did say that his therapist describes him as heterosexual with issues, what is that?), or bisexual. Certainly, from everything I have heard about Ted, this label explains things more than the other two. There are many bisexuals who are married and living in sometimes monogonous, sometimes not relationships. Bisexuality is an important category, because it breaks open the gay-straight dichotomy and illustrates that many (most) people's sexuality is not either gay or straight, but some of both, with one often predominant. But again Ted does not have identify as gay, straight, or bisexual, but I would hope that at least in his own mind he has a better understanding of his own sexuality.
My other comment concerns his unwillingness in any of the interviews I heard to say unequivocally that gays are children of God and should not be labeled anything other than that by the church. Ted danced around the issue every time he was asked. He did say that his desire to be on the talk show circuit was to ask for forgiveness for the hurt he caused. It seemed that what he meant by that was the "scandal" and being linked to a male prostitute and using drugs and the hurt he caused his family, his church, and evangelicalism. But what about all the harm he has caused by his preaching against homosexuality, I would hope he would ask the gay community for forgiveness for that as well. Maybe he could also use some Biblical/spiritual as well as sexual counseling .

[Carol Grever]

Eleanor makes a very good point about the probability of Ted Haggard being bisexual. For convenience we sometimes inaccurately speak of sexual orientation in black or white terms: "gay or straight." But everyone fits somewhere on a spectrum between the two extremes, and some are right in the middle--attracted equally to men and women. The Haggards' saga will undoubtedly unfold for years to come, and the media will be prying into every change to get their questions answered. Life in the public eye is punishment in itself.

[Jerrie Hurd]

Very nice, balanced analysis. What's more I learned something that helps me to stay balanced in my judgement. Thanks.

[Gail Storey]

Carol, I was interested to hear what you thought about the latest on the Haggard dilemma. Thanks for your nonjudgmental clarity.

[Page Lambert]

Carol, although I've never had to deal with this issue in my personal life, I greatly admire your thoughtful discourse and ability to offer sincere and loving advice.

[Jerry J Bigner]

From my perspective, Ted Haggard is still in the grips of homophobia and heterosexism of his own making as well as that found in our social institutions. These are the strong forces that keep men like him in the closet for so long and with such emotional burdens (as I know from my own personal experience). His unwillingness to label himself probably does reflect ambiguity to some degree but is more likely again to be the result of homophobic feelings. However, it is a futile exercise to try to simplify any of the dynamics of the Haggard couple into easily understandable terms. The Haggards are not unique in their current station nor in their journey; it is very similar to what many mixed orientation couples experience. Their only difference is being in the spotlight for everyone to speculate about their process and how each person is reacting in each scenario as it arises. And it is likely that these kinds of situations will continue to occur as long as our society insists on keeping homophobia and heterosexism alive and well in our cultural institutions from churches to families. The hope here is that it doesn't have to be that way, and that day will happen eventually when these forces are delegated to ancient history.

[Janice Strand]

I live in the UK and Ted Haggard is barely known here. If anybody does know his name, I suspect they'll just put him together with the other high-profile evangelists who have fallen in recent years. I agree with Jerry that Ted Haggard is living in the grips of homophobia and heterosexism.
I'm not sure that Gayle Haggard's decision to stay with her husband demands respect. I think she is setting herself up for repeated heartache for many years to come. As if that's not bad enough, it will all be played out in the media spotlight!

[Janice Strand]

Thanks for sending me the link Carol. I live in the UK where Ted Haggard is barely known. If his name is familiar to the average Brit, then he's usually grouped together with the other infamous evangelists who have fallen from grace in recent years.
I agree with Jerry Bigner, that Ted Haggard is existing in the prison of his own homophobia and heterosexism. I'm not sure that I respect Gayle Haggard's decision to stay with her husband. Doesn't this just send out the wrong signals about gay/straight marriages? I have hardline views on this - gay/straight marriages can never work in the long term and trying to make them work only helps to feed society's homophobia.

[Lara]

This is indeed a tricky situation to be in. You examine the issue with non-judgemental clarity, and I truly thank you for that. I've read too much vitrolic diatribe from many sides of the issue to be interested in anyone's personal leanings anymore. What is most important here, in my mind, is how Ted and Gayle work on their communication between each other, and their children. Honesty needs to be the utmost importance, not concern for one's standing in the community or public media at large.

[Claire Walter]

Carol is kinder, more generous and more understanding than I -- and I have no horse in this race. Empathy toward Haggard would be fine if he had not railed against homosexuality from the pulpit. I found it to be some sort of poetic justice that he was outed by a drug-pushing gay hooker. Gayle and the kids deserve sympathy and compassion, but IMO, Haggard is/was a hypocrite who merits none -- and he certainly doesn't deserve to be be shepherding any more parishioners.

[Jens H.]

I'm certainly angry with people like Ted Haggard becuase they spent a lot of time and effort to promote heterosexism and intolerance. But I do think he still deserves a level of empathy. It's not easy being raised in a religion that routinely perpetuates the idea that you will burn in hell becuase you are gay. Evangelical Christianity is a strong force. I know this from my own experience and any other LGBT person I've met from the same background. I'm not saying it justifies his behavior, but these kind of scenarios need to be understood in the context of how difficult it is to go against the tide of ingrained religious beliefs and right-wing Christian culture let along our heterosexist society. He's a good example of the destruction this issues causes for many people, not just his role in it. But I have to say that it's sad to me that he's back trying to be someone he's not. I don't see the people in Colorado Springs as a support system. Instead, I think of it as pressure to conform to what they think is the correct standard which = no divorce and that if he prays enough and believes enough God will make him straight.

[Jenni]

re comments from Jens H I am experiencing this struggle myself. I recently found out my husband has been having gay sex for all of our 10 year marriage. He was brought up in a fundamental Christian home and was molested by a youth pastor during his teens. Is he seeking gay sex because of the molestation and the satisfaction that type of sex introduced him to (that he may otherwise not ever have sought) or did he always have gay tendencies? I actually don't know the answer to this question. For the record, I myself am a fundamentalist Christian (and I only use that term for the sake of your understanding as I feel it gets used in a derogatory term that I'm not overly comfortable with). I absoloutely believe that God loves my husband as much as he loves me. The difficulty I am now faced with is that I want my husband to be true to himself (if that means he's gay, then so be it). I would rather he live with truth about who he is. I also believe that the act of homosexual sex is not the way that sex was intended by God. I'm just trying to reconcile all these ideas....I'm not trying to convert anyone and I hope I'm not offending anyone. Perhaps it is that homosexual sex is something that we will struggle with in the same way that I struggle with overeating, others struggle with drug addiction or smoking or gossiping....I'd really like someone to be able to say "this is how it is, and that's final" but I don't think this is possible. We need to love everyone in our lives and that means understanding and having compassion with them in their lives as they live it right now, not wanting them to be 'perfect' first.
We all need to be true to who we are and for some of us that struggle is more 'public' than it is for others.

[Jens H.]

Hi Jenni:

First of all, I’m sorry you are going through this struggle because I know it’s unfair and extremely difficult. But I commend you for having an open mind trying to find answers. I think finding truthful answers about homosexuality is especially hard for religious people because they often turn to their church for information as opposed to science. With the exception of Christian Scientists, if you were having a heart attack I wonder if you would seek medical expertise from a pastor or a cardiologist. I’m going to guess you’d seek emotional support from your pastor and heart know-how from a doctor. Why then do people seek expertise on homosexuality from the religious?

If you seek information from the American Psychological Association, American Medical Association, and other viable non-biased research institutions on the subjects you mentioned, you’ll find the following answers to these questions:

1)Being molested as a child does not turn that child gay.

2)The vast majority of child sexual molestations are perpetrated by heterosexual men and not homosexual men.

3)The age of the sexual target (the child) is what is important to a pedophile not necessarily the sex of the child.

4)Gay people cannot convert anyone into being gay.

5)Homosexuality is not a mental illness.

However, many religious organizations such as Focus on the Family perpetuate the following:

1)gay people try to convert children and other people into being gay.

2)gay men molest children.

3)gay people are mentally ill.

While there is not direct proof that people are born gay in the same way that straight people are born straight, the vast, vast majority of gay people feel they were born with a homosexual sexual orientation and it is not a choice issue. For the most part, it’s only religious people and those who do not like gay people who hold onto this choice concept.

This then ties into your personal beliefs that gay sex is much like any other addiction or maladaptive behavior. However, gay sex is only considered maladaptive for religious people who believe it’s somehow spiritually wrong or others who are turned off by the idea. There are plenty of studies showing that same-sex couples can have equally as loving and strong relationships as straight couples. So in a sense, it’s really about personal judgment as opposed to any fact about being maladaptive. (Although you husband cheating on you is of course maladaptive but it would be as well if he was cheating on you with a woman).

In terms of personal judgments based on religion – think of this. There are religious people who believe that ANY sex, including that in a monogamous and loving marriage, which is not solely for the purpose of procreation, is sinful. Once again, it’s seeing something through religious judging.

If you haven’t read Carol’s books then I would highly recommend them because they are considered some of the best books on this topic. They are non-biased and full of accurate information. As you come across information on this topic always look for the source – is it coming from an organization with a religious prejudice or is it basing its information on sound science. You will see a large disparity in the facts.

It’s great you are keeping an open mind and trying to learn. The more truth you learn about this topic the better you will be able to cope with it and make appropriate decisions.

Jens H.

[Jenni]

Thank you Jens H for your comments. The 'facts' are helpful for me in understanding more about this.
I would like to say that I don't think Christianity has it totally wrong. I think there has to be room in my faith for my husband who I believe to be homosexual (or bisexual - we may never know and it doesn't really matter). There has to be room for him, as my faith teaches that Jesus loved everyone He came into contact with. The difficulty is in taking a mind-set that has been developed over 40years of living in a predominantly Christian society, and critically assessing and evaluating my beliefs. I don't think Christianity and homosexuality should be mutually exclusive. I do think I'm working through this fairly successfully. If anyone wants to know my particular thoughts/beliefs on this I'm quite happy for them to email me but I don't think this forum is the appropriate place for that.
This topic does bring out the extremes in people's thoughts, doesn't it?! My faith in God has helped me through this crisis in my life thus far. I don't think it's reasonable for me to get to a point where I say it's all too hard and swing violently one way or the other (that is, love God and hate homosexuals, or love homosexuals and hate God - and I also mean Christians/Christianity when I mention God). There has to be room for both.
It is difficult for me to look to Science for answers at the moment because in my lifetime (I'm nearly 40) I've seen science prove lots of things, and then seem to disprove them.... There has also been quite a strong train of thought that science and Christianity are opposing forces, which I don't agree with, but I have to consciously agree to look at the scientific and evaluate what I find, in my own way. This is a very very complex isssue for me and I want to look into it deeply. I don't want to just accept the Christians who say the homosexuals are going to burn in hell. I also don't want to just accept the 'liberals' (I'm not sure what other label to use, sorry) who say this is perfectly normal and natural because even for my newfound understanding I still don't think this is how we were meant to be, but that's my own personal faith issue. Please don't shoot me down on that. I am working on finding some middle ground that I can live with. I realise that many people can't do that and they leave the church which I find very sad.
I do thank you Carol and Jen's H for your sensitive and factual information, and for the forum here to express and receive this information. I did order Carol's books and since they arrived a week ago I've been reading My Husband Is Gay....when I can, as my children are very young and they are not ready to know about all this just yet. I have found the book to be very informative. Since reading it I have felt a lot more 'normal'. There were many pages that I was nodding furiously to, as though Carol had been listening to conversations I've had with my closest friends - in particular the bits about Jim compartmentalising his life as this is precisely our situation. My husband is still well and truly in the closet and I suspect he may never come out of it. I feel a lot better about the fact that he might not 'come out' since reading this book, and can see ways to move on and continue building my life from this point. Thank you.

[daffodil]

I'm sorry I am trying, but it is still a sin, clearly spelled out in the Bible. God will handle it, it is not up for us to and we Christians know that. When just finding out all the factual knowlwdge in the world will not help. I do know from a particular "mega-church" pastor that I listen to is that we are NOT to judge lest we be judged. He has even said that of other pastors and their "fall". I struggle with this, yet I believe in what the Word says, though I do not believe it is right. I never dislike anyone for who or what they profess to be so this is a non brainer, as said it is up to God. Who doesn't fall in their life? Who is the first to cast the first stone? This story bothered me, at the time, before I knew factually that my husband was gay, because we are not to be the one to judge EVER, do you remember when Mary Magdelane was about to be stoned for being a prostitute and Jesus literally drew the "line in the sand"? He exposed everyone's sins. So, frankly I feel so bad for his wife, my heart weeps for her. I know how it feels, I am in the angry stage myself after being told and him being "found out". Still, we are are not to judge, let him deal with it with God, and personally, I hope they make it, but honestly, I am not sure. I had a best friend, who hit on my husband (LOL) because her husband was a "reformed gay" in the church. The whole thing sent me reeling. Not only was he gay but my best friend with a "prior" gay husband I found in a position where she was putting her arms around my husband and such, I watched the whole thing for a bit before I walked in. I guess the "reform" didn't take and she was lonely. It's all a sham, you can not change what a person was born to be. I may think it abhorent, but it is who they are, not to be changed. Let them take it up with God.

[Jens H.]

Jenni -

Here's something else I should have mentioned. There are a LOT of Christians who do not feel homosexuality is in any way against Christianity. True. And you might find great solace in talking to some of them.

It's interesting that if you look at the words of Christ - and I'm only saying what he's quoted - he says nothing about homosexuality at all.

In terms of other places in the Bible that say otherwise such as Leviticus, I ask why people don't follow ALL of Leviticus. Why just the anti-gay part but not some of the other old laws such as Don't wear clothes made of more than one fabric (Leviticus 19:19) or Don't cut your hair nor shave. (Leviticus 19:27) or Any person who curseth his mother or father, must be killed. (Leviticus 20:9)?

I can never get a straight answer about that from anti-gay Christians.

Contact PFLAG.org for info on some Christian Churches or people who can help you work through this. I think you might find it really helpful because they will share your core beliefs.

[Jenni]

Jens H thank you for your comments. I'll try and look up PFLAG here, I finally got connected with SSN here in Australia and that's been amazingly helpful. I have also found another on-line support group that is Christian (and i believe is very balanced).
Thanks again for wanting to help me in my journey.