Disgraced evangelist Ted Haggard and his wife, Gayle, are making the rounds on major talk shows this week. Oprah Winfrey and Larry King have both probed this family's most intimate history, and a documentary about the fallen pastor is forthcoming.
It has been two years since "Pastor Ted's" homosexuality was revealed by the male prostitute who also provided the prominent minister with crystal meth. That revelation destroyed the church leader's pristine reputation and ended his career as kingpin of an evangelical Christian empire in Colorado Springs. His New Life Church reportedly had 14,000 members when the shocking story broke in November, 2006.
The main difference between Ted Haggard's straight spouse and millions of others is that she's struggling with her personal decisions under the microscope of the mocking media. When most gay mates come out, it creates a private, personal crisis. When a famous person's secrets are revealed, it's a major news event that the whole world watches and judges. In this particular case, the sensational outing nearly brought a whole religious organization down and affected the faith of numerous believers.
Gayle Haggard speaks of her disorienting experience in the same terms used by countless other straight spouses: "The rug was pulled out from under me," and "I asked him, who are you?" Repeatedly, she declares her enduring love for her husband, their five children, and the teachings of their religion as her motivation to stay with him. For his part, Ted Haggard vows that he has revealed all his secrets to his wife and his counselor and that his homosexual urges are under control. So far, this family has stayed together.
Only about 15% of mixed orientation marriages remain intact three years after disclosure. What are the chances that the Haggards will be among them? My observation and research make me skeptical that Ted can keep his vow to repress his homosexuality and remain ever faithful to his wife. Though he still won't identify as gay, he admits that he still "thinks of men, but without compulsion." The odds are that he'll have additional homosexual encounters. That could end this marriage.
On the other hand, three powerful forces are at work here that might keep the Haggard family intact. First, they adhere to a religious belief that homosexuality is a sin but that sin can be forgiven--"seventy times seven." Gayle has forgiven much already and may be capable of continuing the pattern. Second, the family has returned to Colorado Springs, where they have a huge, supportive network of friends and followers from Ted's former pastorate. They could eventually urge him back into a ministry, relieving current economic pressure on the marriage as well.
For any gay-straight couple who wish to remain married, the example of the Haggard family may offer some guidance. Factors that help sustain a mixed-orientation marriage include
- Mutual love that abides even after the coming-out crisis
- Absolute honesty in open communication
- Common philosophical or religious foundation
- Sincere intention of the gay mate to be faithful to the marriage, OR mutually accepted open marriage or other alternative marital agreement
- Capability of repeated forgiveness
- Supportive friends and family
- Ongoing therapy or professional counseling for all involved
- Economic incentives (sometimes becoming "golden handcuffs")
It's unusual for any gay-straight couple to stay married. The vast majority separate quickly, often with acrimony. For those who choose to maintain their marital bonds, it is never easy. Regardless of one's attitute toward Ted Haggard and his whole public drama, his wife's loyal determination demands respect and the whole family's struggle elicits empathy. Their outcome will be interesting.
