WEDDING ACCOMPLISHED JUST IN TIME

    Six rows of white folding chairs changed my former husband's Palm Springs living room into a wedding chapel.  With soft organ music and joyous greetings, fifty guests filled the seats as the ceremony was about to begin.  Beethoven's "Hymn to Joy" set the mood as a minister in white vestments led the couple to the front of the room. 

    Jim and his partner were sealing their commitment with a lawful marriage ceremony.  With close friends and several family members present, they shared traditional vows "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer,for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part."  Each repeated the familiar promises with sincerity and emotion, exchanging gold wedding rings to symbolize their vows.

    This same-sex wedding was as traditional as any ordinary marriage ceremony I'd attended before,  but it was singularly moving and significant to me.  To my husband Dale and me and to my grown sons, it represented our complete acceptance of Jim as a gay man.  Our presence as witnesses to his marriage demonstrated that recognition.  We're still a family, though an unusually extended one--stretched in ways we never thought possible.

    Truthfully, I had gone to California with trepidation.  I didn't know exactly how it would affect me to watch Jim marry another man.  I didn't know how my own husband would feel, though I was deeply grateful for his support during this emotionally charged life event.  I had also worried about my older son, a religious conservative who surely must experience huge inner conflict between his church's teachings and our family ties.  Historic tension between my two sons was also a concern.  How would they respond to unaccustomed closeness during three energy-draining days?

    I needn't have worried.  Thankfully, those busy days passed without any unpleasantness.  Everyone tried hard to make each person comfortable.  The two families mixed freely, getting acquainted, sharing meals, overlooking differences in lifestyle and background.  In fact, it was fun!  This wedding was a benchmark.  I believe that we all reached a new plane of understanding and openness.  "It is what it is," Dale often says, implying simple, effortless acceptance.

    Jim's October 30th wedding was a memorable experience for everyone attending.  I'm thrilled that, like me, he is committed to his life-partner in a sanctified marriage.  They are among the lucky ones.  The rules have changed again.  On November 4 California voters passed Proposition 8 to ban same-sex marriages and override the recent court decision legalizing them.  The new constitutional amendment limits marriage to heterosexual couples.  Enormous amounts of money were poured into this regressive action, the first time such a measure has passed in a state where gay unions had been legal.

    Jim and his partner made it under the wire, celebrating their marriage just five days before it would have been impossible.  Like 18,000 other gay couples married since the California Supreme Court legalized it last May, their marriage will remain valid, according to state Attorney General Jerry Brown.  This battle between conflicting laws dramatically demonstrates that civil rights can never be taken for granted, even in our republic.

    For a fuller discussion of the rationale supporting gay marriage, see my October 20 blog, "Gay Marriage Now Personal."

Comments

[Carol Grever]

Thanks to all who took the time to respond to my post. Though Prop 8 reversed the law that allowed Jim and his husband to be married, the fact is that they and thousands of other same-sex couples remain strong in their commitment--regardless of anyone else's opinion. It's my fervent wish that all Americans will someday share equal freedom to marry as they please, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Carol Grever

[Jen]

What a wonderful post. The stories of men and women who get through the hurt to fully support their gay spouse are touching and should be the benchmark used in this decision. If they can get over it then so should the rest of the country. Until their is equality in marriage many more straight spouses and their families will be hurt unnecessarily. Thank you for sharing a lovely story.

[Maryjo Morgan]

Way to go, Carol!
It is heartening to hear that kindness is still in vogue in this crazy world of ours. Kudos to you and your extended family.

I was utterly and totally stunned by the passage of Prop 8 - so cruel. This especially saddened me after all that has happened here in Colorado.

Thanks for being a voice of reason, Carol. Surely as a nation we can evolve enough to allow love and marriage to stand for all; we sure have a long way to go with civil rights, don't we?

Keep on doing what you're doing!

In case anyone missed it, see Keith Obermann's heartfelt commentary: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3036677/#27652443

[dj zupancic]

Thanks Carol,

I was surprised at how hurt I was by this last election. I cried when I found out California passed prop 8. And I am almost crying now. The love and support you offer is deeply important.

[Patricia van Wilkenberg]

Hi Carol,

It's been nearly two years since my marriage ended and I'm not where you are with my former husband, but I do applaud you for your ability to understand, forgive and move on.

It would be wonderful if my former husband was truthful about his sexual orientation for I believe I could get behind him and become a supportive friend.

Patricia

[Susan J Tweit]

Love is indeed what it's all about, and it's a sad day when any one particular religious tradition can decide that it's not okay for people who love each other and want to commit to a life long relationship can't get married because they are the wrong--whatever, whether it's gender or race (remember the laws against interracial marriage?) or creed. Bless you and your family, Carol, for taking heart and courage in hand and being so supportive. When we walk through our fears, we so often come away stronger and richer for it.

Susan
http://communityoftheland.blogspot.com

[Doug Hawk]

At a time when there are real issues facing America and the world, people become crazed about other people and whom they love. And that's the bottomline. Love. Those who would ban gay marriage are really saying: "You can't love this person or that person." It's nonsense and, in the scheme of things, irrelevant. If people would learn to leave other people alone, so many problems wouldn't not arise. My brother and his family are LDS and now they're feeling the heat, but when their church dumps $22 million to take away other people's rights, what can they expect?

[Mary Ellen Bates]

Thanks so much for this blog, Carol. As the lesbian partner who left a straight marriage, I so appreciate your graciousness. And I pains me on a daily basis that I cannot marry the woman I love and to whom I have committed my life.

[Kathy Leftwich]

It is, as others have said, a mystery why some people feel so strongly as to pass a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. What threat does it pose? Who is harmed? Yes, having it legal does legitimize something that some see as an aberration. Get over it, folks. There have been enough studies --research and cases -- to prove that homosexuality is not a choice. People feel the way that they feel, and we should all be happy to celebrate love ... in whatever form it takes.

[Carol Grever]

Thank you so much, Melanie, for visiting my weblog and commenting. I agree heartily that this is all about love, not judgment. I'm glad that you're doing the joining ceremony for these two women and I'm only sorry that they can't have a legally recognized marriage instead!

Carol Grever

[Melanie Mulhall]

Carol,

Congratulations to your former husband and his spouse for making it under the wire and congratulations to you for being there to witness it!

Two gay women from out of state have asked me to do a joining ceremony for them next summer when they come to Colorado. One of the first things asked of me in the initial email exchange was my stance on conducting such a ceremony. I was happy to tell them that I would be honored to conduct the service and I was sad that they had to ask. For me, that two people love one another is the most important thing.

Melanie

[Carol Grever]

Thanks for visiting my weblog and for your positive comments. It took some effort for our family to come together in Palm Springs, but it was really worthwhile. We are still connected in so many ways and it was good to demonstrate that those ties remain. I hope for the day when civil rights, including marriage, are open to all in this country, regardless of sexual orientation.
Carol Grever

[Kathleen Christensen]

I found the passage of prop 8 distressing. In fact, I'm ashamed of the people in my home state who voted it in. I find it hard to understand why people and institutions put so many resources into fighting gay marriage, when they could be doing something positive instead--helping the hungry or the sick or the abused or something.

Before the election, some people came to the door of my 81-year-old parents' house in California, working in favor of the bill. The way my dad puts it, my polite, Republican (albeit pro-Obama) mom was yelling out the window at the people, asking them what they do when people of their religion are gay or lesbian, asking how they treat those people. Go, Mom!

It's a testament to you and your family that you can reconcile with your ex fully enough to celebrate with him at his wedding. My congratulations to you as well as the newlyweds!

[Laurel Kallenbach]

What a wonderful celebration, and it's so good that you attended. Not many people would be invited to the nuptials of a former spouse--regardless of gender or sexual orientation. It took some courage, but it sounds like the event strengthened your family's relationships.

And hopefully, Proposition 8 will be overturned soon so that many other committed people can pledge their love in the future.

[Rosemary Carstens]

What a lovely story, Carol. It is my dearest wish that my daughter, a gay woman, should find that special someone and be able to marry as an outward indication of their devotion. I would attend such an event with joy in my heart. It is beyond my understanding why these people who want to define marriage as ONLY between a man and a woman make such a scene about this. Why is it so important to them to tell someone else how to love and live? How CHRISTIAN is it, really, to harbor such feelings--often hatred--toward people trying to live a loving life with a special someone. Rosemary