Meet Carol Grever

  • Carol Grever has been a successful businesswoman and English professor. From personal experience, she's authored two books and produced a documentary on straight spouse recovery. A recognized spokesperson on straight spouse issues, she's appeared on major network TV shows, including "The Oprah Winfrey Show" and "Good Morning America." You can read more about Carol here.

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« GAY OR STRAIGHT: NOT A CHOICE | Main | LESSONS FROM DIVORCE »

July 23, 2008

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I am a little confused and perhaps have not read enough of the posted comments. However, every comment that was posted dealt with the husband being the gay spouse and the betrayal to the wife and family. In every single case it seems to end in seperation or divorce.

I would be very interested in finding a few senarios where the wife was the gay partner. I am wondering if the husband in these cases would be as quick to seperate or divorce. I would like to see those cases commented on.

This is a conundrum, Denise. Your husband's pattern of homosexual activity having been established, it is good to give yourself time to examine your options by retreating to your daughter's home. Living with your husband as friends might work, though emotional ties and memories of past intimacy are likely to become painful. My gay husband and I lived together for more than two years after he came out to me (for both financial and business reasons. We were both in the closet while trying to sell our business.) While it made him very happy to have our marriage as cover for his secret, I was overwhelmed by confusing emotions. Having one foot in my old marriage and one foot on the doorstep was unbearable--for me. I felt less pressure after we quietly separated. If your concerns are entirely financial, consider maintaining your friendship with your husband, but find another friend to share quarters. In the long run, I believe you'll heal your hurts more quickly and be better able to reconfigure your future. Of course, everyone's situation is different, and a few couples manage to remain together as you've described. I did want to share my own experience, hoping a different perspective might be useful. I wish you well as you sort through this difficult decision.

Carol Grever

Once again in our 39yr marriage that gave us 2 children and 4 beautiful grandchildren I have found out my husband has had anonymous sex with another man at a triple x bookstore. I stayed with him in the past as we went through months of counceling and he chose his life with me over that life. I had to leave to get perspective and am currently staying at my daughter's home. Neither of us can afford to live on our own and I am considering cohabitation as friends. He will always be my best friend and I will always love him but we will never be intimate again. What do you think?
Denise

In response to Robin's comment, I would offer two thoughts: Are your partner's needs being met in your present situation? And, there is nothing preventing friendship with an ex after a split, if both people are kind and considerate through the separation. Though we had our difficulties during the separation process, my former gay mate and I have an enduring friendship to this day.
Carol Grever

I am a male going through this at the moment. i have always felt different and for what ever reason i have bonded well with females yet its the freindship i would miss with my partner. Anyone can ask me questions x

Mary, you have indeed been betrayed and your disappointment is understandable. Your husband has finally told you the truth and probably feels some freedom from that; your dilemma has just begun. Please read the other articles in this blog to see how other straight spouses have faced this crisis. Know that you're not alone and that you can survive it, as millions of other wives have done. Take care of yourself and plan what you'll do next. Find a good counselor or sounding board. Look toward your own best future, not back at things in the past that you can't change. Best wishes!
Carol Grever

Ive found out two months ago that my husband has been bisexual and a sex addict for 50 odd years he's 60 and i'm 50. We have been married for 29 years I feel so betrayed hurt and cheated, he has distroyed our family - he should never have married me and he now admits that he can't commit sexually to one person.

So, what should I do if I KNOW my spouse is gay and he doesn't yet. I'm tired of the lack of respect and the emotional turmoil placed on me while he's in denial. I hate the idea of taking the fall for the failed 15-year marriage because he's not ready to face it.

Liz, apparently your mate struggled with his sexual identity for a long time before accepting it himself. Now that he has done so, your relationship may change radically, perhaps rapidly. Think about what you need to do to take care of yourself. This turn of events is not your fault, but it will impact your future. Try to be proactive to make it happier. Move forward. You needn't be a victim because he has accepted his own sexual identity. Be true to yourself!

It sounds reasonable to me... but I began to experience rejection in the early stages... our problem... my problem is that he has known for 15 years... he only began acting on it 4 years ago. He's just out of the identity tolerance and acceptance and into identity pride. I've only known about this for 6 months... I was totally unaware for any number of reasons. The kicker is... I'm almost 70... not sure either of us has time to play this out to that final stage.

I believe that every stage in the process of recovery is a teacher. Some of the teachers are harsh! But each stage does pass, leaving us wiser and stronger. Healing is the graduation, the commencement into new life. Best wishes to you, Kori.
Carol Grever

Very interesting. Seems mostly true in my situation. I can't wait for the healing phase for all of our sake.

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  • Carol Grever's books and documentary DVD inform and empower straight spouses and their families.  Click on any cover image to learn more.







    Award Winning
    Documentary DVD

Radio Interview