Stages of Recovery

    When my husband told me that he had "homosexual tendencies" and later filled in details of two decades of clandestine gay activities, I was awash in conflicting emotions.  Over many months, we worked to stay married and then to divorce with grace, and I was unknowingly following a predictable pattern of reactions as a straight spouse.

    When a married gay or lesbian comes out, certain stages of recovery may be expected.  These stages come and go and are often repeated.  Self-reports of more than 2,000 straight and gay spouses summarized the pattern in the publication Opening the Straight Spouse's Closet (PFLAG, 1994).  I  personally experienced them all.

    Typically, there's shock to learn that one's intimate partner has a different sexual orientation from your own.  Relief follows, as many unexplained details of the relationship become clear.  It is the "Ah, then it isn't me!" reaction.  Confusion is common, followed by denial of the reality of the situation.  Most people experience some self-blame: "What could I have done to prevent this?  Is it my fault that he's gay?"  In some cases, there is heart-felt sympathy for the anguish of the gay partner.  All these early reactions occur repeatedly, not necessarily in order--all with incredible intensity. 

    When it's clear there is no turning back, straight spouses face their new reality.  Stark awareness ushers in anger, grief, and despair.  This dangerous but necessary phase takes months or years to resolve.  Grief comes from the betrayal of trust, the loss of love, and the obliteration of future plans.  When straight spouses fully understand the health risks they've faced and the the depth of their loss, their anger can deepen into rage and despair.  If they remain in this stage, their chances for full recovery are slim. 

    Fortunately, most spouses reach a turning point, finding inner strength to begin healing.  This usually happens when they accept what they cannot change and move toward resolution.  When anger is replaced by forgiveness, trust and hope can be restored.  People who heal most successfully usually reinforce their own inner resources with some belief or meaning beyond themselves.  When they regard the whole experience as a teacher, not a disaster, they are able to move into the next phase of their lives, reconfiguring a happier future. 

    These stages of coping were reiterated dozens of times in the interviews I did for my books and documentary.  They are relatively predictable.  The best news is that we can navigate these stages and arrive safely on the other side of this life event--whole and wiser for the experience.

Comments

[Astraea]

Julie,

My heart absolutely aches for you, and I can feel your rage. - I'm so sorry that you have to endure this pain that cannot (for now anyway) be relieved. What you described sounds like utter trauma, especially the part involving your daughter. It is SUCH a bitch having to carry these SECRETS for them. And of course children think that separating is arbitrary and capricious on your part. There is nothing worse than having to hurt your own child, except having to do that and not be allowed to explain why. I worry that my son will be very angry with me later when I tell him, though I have chosen to do that because he is in the midst of defining his own manhood at 15. I may be naive here, but would it be possible to tell her that "Some men, even fathers, like to be with women. But sometimes men like it better to be with another man, and you are separating because that makes you feel so lonely and angry", or some such? And assure her that you both love her and all that, and that it is absolutely not her fault? Actually, I shouldn't suggest anything because I don't know what I am talking about. In fact, if you can consult with a child psychologist, he or she will be able to give you the right words and tell you what problems to look for down the road and how to do early intervention for down the road, which will be good for your daughter and allow you to be more in control of events. In one of your earlier posts you told me, "When it is time to calmly hand it to him, to let it go, you will probably mourn and grieve, but you will also be able to set yourself free." That was very wise, but no one wants to hear that in the midst of pain and insanity, I know from experience. I only hope that reminding you of your clarity and wisdom will help you to believe that there is another side to this crisis, and that you can get there. I am gradually starting to believe that, but am far from being able to embrace it fully because I am still experiencing shock, rage and gfrief. I keep hearing that we, and many others, will find a way through. Carol told me that 10,000 people have visited this site, so we're not alone. It amazes me that society hasn't learned yet that our predicament exists, and that it is valid. I saw a poster once with a picture of an arched rock overhang on a sea coast, where boats could pass through, like cars can drive through a Sequoia tree. At the bottom it said, "The only way out is through.". I tell myself that every day even though it's usually too hard to believe. My counselor recently said gently, "You just have to go through this." He really knows what it means to go through adversity because of some incredibly difficult events in his life. Still, he remains optimistic and always tells me that things can and will get better. Once I snapped at him, "Don't be so damned optimistic!" then a few seconsd later we both started laughing. But it's true that at this stage no one wants or is able to hear that happiness is still possible again. Julie, please know that many, many people are supporting you in this current situation. It strikes me in my case of the blind leading the blind, but at least we are in the thick of it together, making our way. It is a very.very painful time for you. Please let me, or Carol, and/or the other bloggers if there is anything we can do to support you, even in our virtual world.

[Carol Grever]

Julie and Astraea, your latest exchange of comments demonstrates clearly the value of peer support. It's encouraging to see two people guiding each other on the same stretch of the road. Julie, I wonder if it might be a blessing to everyone in your family to tell your daughter the truth, taking care to couch it in language at her level of understanding. (See "What Can I Say to My Kids," my blog post of June 15, for some ideas. Also check the comments following, particularly that by Jerry Bigner, an expert on this subject.) It may surprise you how well your daughter responds to the whole story, especially if you and your husband tell her together. Truth frees. A secret in the family is like a cancer, growing more destructive by the day. Only you can decide on the best course of action, but reading about other people's experience can surely be instructive. Best wishes!
Carol Grever

[Julie Wallach]

Thank you, Carol and Astraea. You have truly helped me. I have spoken with my husband. We are reaching out to find a couples therapist in the Los Angeles area who can help us with this process. Carol, do you know of anyone? Any organization that can lead us to the right person? I've called PFLAG, they were helpful but didn't have name(s) for me.

With much warmth and gratitude,
Julie

[Astraea]

Julie,

I feel for you so much, but I don't know how to help. I'm so sorry. Your daughter will get through this OK and so will you. (When people said that to me 6 weeks ago, I wanted to throw the computer against the wall, but now I can see that it's right.) The reason is TRUTH. It is always best to try to unveil the truth, no matter how painful, because hiding it is potentially, almost certainly, destructive.Your husband will find other people to help him through his pain. It seems to me that you have done that long enough. My husband told my son (15) that he "misrepresented " himself to Mom, and that "she has a right to be angry" - nothing to do with him, we'll work it out, etc. Of course I was holding a metaphorical gun to his head at the time - haha! I know nothing about 9-year-old girls, except myself. I was devastated when my father (a pilot) went to sea for 6 months. but I gradually learned that it was temporary, that he would come back. And I remember not wanting or being able to process too much information at once. Maybe you could tell her that Mom and Dad really, really disagree about some important things, and that by living together you are hurting each other badly, all the time. (not you, of course, but you can fudge here, to be evenhanded). My opinions is that the MOST important thing is to assure her that he will ALWAYS be her father, and that no one will ever take that away. Iy;s just that the two of you need space right now. -- I am a literature professor, not a psychologist, so check with some other people too. I am a Quaker / Episcopalian. The Quakers talk about "holding someone in the Light" which, when done alone or in community, is like prayer - just a different take on it, and I like the idea. So, I will hold you in the Light, as will everyone who reads this, I am guessing, so never think that you are alone.

[Astraea]

Julie,

There is an American Association of Marriage and Family Counseling that is national. I believe that you can contact them directly to get some names. Good luck.

My husband told me today that he is bisexual, that you can have cake and pie and like them both. I am speechless. I don't want to be a menu item - haha. Not funny. But seriously, what could bisexual mean to him, and why should I accept being half of it? Or is the other half his gay porn and he just wants to get his life the way it was again?
The really perplexing thing is that everyone I read about has a gay spouse who is seeing another man. I truly don't think that my husband is. He would crucify himself in this ultra-conservative town, and he is at the hospital working all the time anyway - I always know where he is. He thinks that he is guilt free because of that, and that I should not "count" his behavior before our marriage, even though he lied about the extent of it. I said, "You can't make a chart of pros and cons, then say that having a house cancels out having no sex or intimacy." He sees them as having the same weight in discerning a decision. I said that sex and intimacy are things that one reasonably expects to have in a marriage, sort of an all-encompassing thing, not a list item that can be compared to other things we have. Blah. I am SO tired of this.

[Astraea]

Julie,

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy has a website: www.aamft.com (org?) I can't remember and when I went back to look it wiped out my post. Anyway, they have on that sire a "Therapist Locator" that can help you find a therapist in your area. Your family doctor can tell you which ones have a good reputation. A note to the wise, based on experience: if you go more than 2 or 3 times and still feel uncomfortable, on edge, or angry, think about trying a different therapist. Trust you gut instincts - I think you have good ones. Good luck!

[Carol Grever]

I'm really happy to see the mutual encouragement in these recent comments. Thank you all for supporting each other. One of the purposes of this blog is to demonstrate that we are not alone in our difficulties and that we can help each other through the rough places. Thank you!

Carol Grever

[Julie Wallach]

Thank you so much! Carol, your referrals were much-needed, and Astraea, you have been a wonderful voice.

I have been in and out of therapy my entire adult life...go back to check in on my own stuff, and I believe that self-awareness governs our behavior. So, luckily, therapy is not new to me.

We found a therapist who has worked with gay men/straight women who are married, which makes me feel comforted by his expertise. He was referred by you, Carol, but I also called the President of PFLAG who gave me a couple of names.

My plan at this point is to stay married for one year with the intention of clearing our fears, guilt, shame, anger, deception, etc. and seeing where we land. I suspect that once my husband is more clear about what he truly wants, who he truly is, we will not be together. I am ready to separate now, but I want to be clear about what that will mean to our children and history (14 years). I want to do this in a collaborative way, not confrontational. I have hope that we will do it "right."

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for being here for me during the worst moments of my marriage. THANK YOU!!! I am sure this is not the last you will hear from me.

I hope you are doing well and moving through your days with hope and joy.

Love,
Julie

[Astraea]

Julie,

I'm glad that you found a therapist and that you have a plan. At least that is an anchor of hope in the midst of raging seas. Speaking of which, I love to watch raging seas - at the beach or sometimes I watch the Weather Channel, a program that chronicles the fishermen on boats in the North Sea. I grew up by the ocean and it is deeply entwined with my English heritage. I used to feel llike my "land" side was solid and the "sea" side was open and free. Lake Nichigan isn't bad as a substitute. In winter the waves freeze on themselves, over and over until floes form and you can't tell where the beach ends and the water starts. It's very dangerous, though. Once I was walking way out onto the ice with my 3-year-old son, not knowing the danger because the sea doesn't freeze. Suddenly I heard a creaking sound, like a moored boat straining against the ropes on the dock. I looked down and there, about 10' below me, was moving water. I made my way back to the sand VERY quickly. I later found out that every year without fail the Coast Guard has to rescue someone floating way out onto the lake (which is HUGE)because the floe broke off and carried themn away.

Why am I going on and on about this? I don't know but it must becoming somewhere from within. We went to a family reunion at our family's cottage on a lake. There were lots of nice but distant relatives-in-law. I just sat with my loyal Golden Retriever and watched people. Families. Couples exchanging loving glances and working together with a connection between them. I watched their children and imagined the intimacy most of them probably share. I know everyone has problems, but I have heard that the majority of married couples are mutually heterosexual. I mean, isn't that why people get married? I felt envious, jealous even, not angry per se but I did feel cheated and betrayed, and profoundly sad. Myhusband was busy doing genealogy, which is his passion, so I understand that he wasn't with me. Actually, I didn't miss him much, which horrified me.

On the way home I talked to him, beginning with "I'm so ANGRY at you." Then I asked if he would listen to how I am feeling. He did, to his credit. He replied that he desperately wants to be a good husband to me. (The Germans have a good expression for that: "Ich weiB es zu schaetzen", which means literally "I know to treasure it.) I mean, that IS worth a lot, and I told him so. The critical point in this discussion came when he said that (about being a husband) and I said (surprising myself), "Maybe it's time to ask yourself if you can do that, for real." It was a quiet discussion but very painful. He asked, "Couldn't you just pretend that I have a disability that prevents sex - lots of people live with that. I agreed (that they do - not to pretend), but added, "Those people are dealing with something that just happened. I am dealing with something you knew about but didn't tell me, which is a huge betrayal of trust, whether or not you felt that you were heterosexual at the time." Then I finally said what I feel deep inside: that the thing I am most afraid of is when things start happening outside the realm of my (our) control. The fabric of our marriage is unraveling and it has taken on a momentum of its own. My therapist once told me, when I asked him how a divorce happens, that things can just erode and deteriorate until one day you wake up and its done, out of your control. It (the separation) is happening whether you like it or not. That's how I felt today. I told my husband that doing nothing will surely lead to this end, as it has already begun. Maybe that's why I am thinking about cracking ice floes and uncontrolled storms at sea. It wouldn't be a stretch of an interpretation - haha! My nieces and nephews were so cute at the cottage - helping Grandma cook, playing in the water, talking, singing. I love them all, and their parents. Several them are very bright - all really - and fun to be with. If I divorced, I couldn't come to the cottage. I would have to have "your time" and "my time" with my teen (ooops - Freudian slip) with OUR teenage son, and be wondering what he was doing and thinking. Tonight he asked me to come sit on the couch with him and watch TV, because he didn't feel right - restless, irritable. Eventually he leaned over and put his head on my shoulder. What if I hadn't been there for him? He'd manage, I know, but his life and our relationship would be vastly different.

Is there an unspoken limit as to how much one can write on a blog? :) Not like there's not enough space, Well, today was disjointed and I just needed to write disjointedly. Hope everyone blogging is doing OK. Wendy, I wondered if you are still on the blog? How's it going?

Astraea

[Carol Grever]

To Julie (re July 12 post): The tone of your message is bright and hopeful, and I'm sure you're relieved to be moving forward with a plan and a competent counselor to help along the way. In my opinion, your goal of separating in a "collaborative, not confrontational" way should lay healthy groundwork for satisfying outcomes for everyone concerned. Clear communication is key, as you know. I'm so pleased with your news.
Best wishes!
Carol Grever

[Astraea]

Omigosh - I hit the wall this week. Last weekend we were at a family reunion of distant relatives. I sat and watched the other couples, exchanging knowing glances, caring for their children with love and humor, working together to set up lawn chairs and, later, as they reminsced, looking at each other in such a way as to show that they were not only ORIENTED to each other, but that they were physically and emotionally CONNECTED. It hit me with the force of an avalanche that we have NEVER had that, not from the beginning. D. has always been secrative, withholding, self-centered and totally bewildering - not to mention menbtion maddening. For years I tried to be a good wife and to make sense of it all. He spent every penny he earned on the family - really, nothing for himself - and so it was hard to say that I was unhappy. But lately I have been thinking a lot about the only relationship I had that was intellectually, emotionally, and sexually satisfying. I was 23, he was 28 and he was a really, really good lover. Most of all he WANTED me, and my body. He sought me out. He teased and played. He was always clean and physically fit and passionate as all get out. We met each others' parents (he was Canadian). But he also made comments here and there that worried me - things like, "Don't wear that dress - it makes you look a little fat." It wasn't abusive, but my instinct told me that it could become so. He also drank a lot of Scotch -so did I , but not as much as he did, and I worried about drinking problems developing later. Then one day before I was about to leave for Europe for nine months, he told me that he had made love to someone else, a woman who "seduced" him out into a meadow and then, apparently, "jumped" him. He felt bad, but then and now I think that he was testing the waters as to what he could do while I was gone. I thanked him for telling me then said, "But I do have to leave." He cried out, "Over one mistake? One affair?" I said "Yup", took my things, and left. It just about broke my heart, but he crossed a line and, in my mind, once a cheater, always the possibilty of being a cheater. Now I look back and still respect my decision, but I have never had a relationship like that again, so I long for him, especially now. We were all the things the people at the reunion were, and I suddenly realized how - NOT THERE - those qualities are in our marriage. I had a major, major meltdown, fortunately in the therapist's office, and raged for two hours in streaming tears. The next day I felt better, but now I am back to my "normal" (since the disclosure) hypervigilant, fried self. I don't sleep much at night - usually from 3 am to 9 or 10 because I am up stewing about it.

Anyway, today I was back with the therapist, not much better, he said, but a bit more in control cognitively. "I am still concerned," he added, which surprised me, because I didn't see why, so I guess I was probably dissociating a little bit. I am not homophobic, truly - I went through the whole coming out think with my best childhood friend. He was tall and Swedish and gorgeous, and equally smart. We went to Paris when I was 16 with a group, and ran hand in hand up Mont St. Michel. We dined in New London, CT where his father was a Coast Guard captain, friends with my father who was a Navy pilot. We visited each other's colleges after giving thought to going to the same one, where we could "grow" our relationship. Most of our vacations were spent at his family's 300-year-old colonial house in Old Lyme, CT. EVERYBODY thought or assumed that we would marry. He wrote me love letters in five languages. We went sailing on Lake Champlain and snuggled in the hold when we were becalmed. But he never kissed me or touched me a lot - and I was naive enough to think that we were both remaining pure and virginal for marriage. Then one day in grad school, he was working already, he asked me to fly to Seattle from Indiana because he had, "something very important to talk about". I didn't have the money; he asked three times and then finally sent me a plane ticket. He waited until we got home and I was totally, 100% sure that he was going to propose, but instead he said, "Guess what? I'm gay!" and so it began. That was bad enough, but for the same thing to happen in my marriage is my WORST nightmare. I was never popular, never had a boyfriend, and my mother convinced me that I was fat by the time I was 11 - because SHE thought she was fat. Because she was narcissitic and had no boundaries, I had to be fat and self-conscious, too, otherwise she would go into a state of cognitive dissonance and try every trick in the book to get me to agree, from wheedling to rage. WHen I got married I thought it was over - that I was finally an adult with a man and life would be good. But it didn't turn out that way and here I sit today, devastated. People say that God will not give you more than you can handle. I don't really think that God gives misfortune, but rather that he is there to help us through it, so that we grow in faith and understanding. I've always been amenable to that, but this is simply TOO MUCH. Finding out that D. was gay is THE WORST thing I can possibly imagine. I don't think that I can make it through without imploding or something. Life is a nightmare. I feel trapped, and he is still getting everything that he wants. If I divorce him, I give up my life: friends, family, neighbors, to go live alone, spend only half the time with my son, and need to get a full-time job. Not that I couldn't do those things, but I don't want to. The lawyer said that most of his earnings would come to us. Why should I trash my life because he has a problem?
Anyway, it's not a pretty situation. We are having money problems as well; we have NEVER, ever done our finances together. He withholds and hides that information, too.

Suddenly, I can't write any more. I want to cry, or throw up. He just got home and I dread spending time with him. This is NOT good.

Astraea

[Julie Wallach]

I want to address everything you wrote, but my mom was suddenly rushed tot the hospital and has been in ICU. She's getting better but I've been at the hospital every day. I feel for you and I am sending love your way, Astraea. I can relate to so many things you wrote and want to thoughtfully respond. Just letting you know that you're not alone, and I will be writing as soon as I can.

Hugs,
Julie

[Astraea]

Julie,

Thanks - I'll look forward to your post, but not for a while. Thanks for letting me know. I'm sorry your Mom is in the ICU - it must be terrible that it happened, now worrying about her, and that it happened so quickly. I'll send many prayers your way.

My husband and son have been at Boy Scout camp since last Saturday. Today was parent night and the big bonfire - a canoe coming over the lake with the chief, dancing, drumming, very impressive. However when I called my husband from the car, he was very short with me - judgemental in some abstract way (but I could feel it), grumpy and blaming, and not at all glad to hear from me. Between us, the evening was a disaster - stony silences, awkward attempts at holding hands, etc. Not good. Not good at all. It was obvious that he is enjoying being away from me as much as I am not missing him here. No wonder - he's in a camp with 500 boys and many men, and he is sharing a tent with one. I guess I'd be happy there too, if I were gay. I know that he would NEVER do anything wrong, like approaching someone, and certainly never, EVER a child. This much I know. But I wonder what is going on in his head? It's not fantsies of me, that's for sure. Sigh. I am really, really really angry that he stole my life and that because of him, I will never have a chance to be intimate with someone again. The fact of the matter is that right now we simply don't have enough money to divorce and have two households. I'm not sure what the best thing is for my son. He just got his first razor and is so proud of it. He asked for one and I suggested that he ask Dad to take him. "I can't really do that," he said miserably.I asked why not and he said, "It just doesn't feel right. Will you take me?" So I did, but I asked D. to show him how to use it. At camp tonight my son said that the other boys don't like him, that they are afraid of him because he is grumpy and never has fun with them. I said, "Well, maybe we can think of some ways to help him have fun," to which he replied, "Mom, he CAN'T." and that was the end of that discussion. It's so sad.
Sorry to dump on you when your Mom is sick - I hope she gets well soon. Take care of yourself, too.

Hugs back,
Astraea

[Astraea]

What's normal for a 15-year old boy? Mine said that he "looked really a long time" at another boy and had feelings, and wondered if he's gay. He said he also gets similar feelings for girls. I'm thinking that this falls under normal adolescence but then he siad, "I don't know if I'm gay or straight or bi." It broke my heart. He also said that he was going to spend time with his children, "unike some OTHER parents." (he said he meant his Dad) - also that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to his Dad about anything. Sheesh. The two situations seem so similar, but they aren't. I just can't sort it out. My psychologist told me I said all the right things: unonditional love and support, respect fo his decisions, etc. ANd I mean it, for my son. Not for my husband.

[Astraea]

Ok, pardon me, but I just have to say this to the universe: I hate him. I don't know when I am supposed to be able to forgive and move on. I am as much at fault because I hate myself, too, and just don't get it about taking care of myself.

[Carol Grever]

Dear Astraea,
You are a regular contributor to this blog and I thank you so much for reading and commenting. From your previous notes, it's clear that you are "stuck" and remain caught on the horns of your dilemma. This is a dangerous place to be because it drains energy and power to take any different action. You have taken the role of victim and you feel helpless. What I want to point out is that you actually have made a choice here. You have made the decision to remain where you are and keep doing what you have done. You have made that decision. Why are you surprised that you keep getting the same result?
Carol Grever

[Astraea]

Carol,

Excellent point. I do feel very, very stuck. And it is draining the life out of me. Actually, in my mind I think that I am staying to keep the family together until our son has some time to grow older. Maybe it's "martyr" instead of "victim"? Even though I made that decision out of love - maybe it's misdirected. Yet I do think, and my therapist agrees, that this is not the right time to tell him, just as he is turning 16 and becoming a man. My son talked to me about how the Boy Scouts at camp teased one boy because he is effiminate. That led to a discussion of how he feels about homosexuals, and it turned out that he is wrestling with defining his own sexuality as well, which I hear is normal for this age. At what point he said, "I don't know if I am gay, or bi, or straight" and I thought with a sinking stomach, "This is too close for comfort." My therapist said that these thoughts are normal at 16 and not normal at 55. At least my son is talking to me. I told him that we would always accept him as he is, whatever happens. That he could always come home with his friends, male or female. So what would it say to him if I left because his father is gay? Then he told me that he was attracted to "a boy" at school, that he couldn't stop looking at him, and wanted to spent "just a night" with him, "no more" and then "stick to girls after that." Then he said, "I feel so relieved. I've been wanting to tell someone." I explained the difference between fascination accompanied by surges of sexual feeling, which can occur woman to woman or man-to-man, versus a prolonged attraction to a man and none to women. He thought that he would end up with "a wife and family." At that point I couldn't hold it in any longer, so I told him about my friend whose husband came out the year after their 25th anniversary. He tried to commit suicide and when she went to the ICU, the doctor asked her who Robert was, and that's how she found out. I explained how sometimes men can know, or not know, that they are gay, get married, have kids, and then not be able to keep the secret any longer and be true to themselves, and how it always works out better when people tell the truth (hypocrite that I am being currently...) So, I said, "it's good if you can figure out your sexulaity before you get married." Then I shut up. But that really laid the groundwork for telling him whenever we do.

We had years and years (9) of infertility treatments before he was born. My husband had no sperm which, incidentally, he knew from tests they conducted on their own sperm in medical school. He found one or two, but thought it was a "fluke", whereas the others had "millions" under the microscope. Finally we turned to sperm donation, and because it was so weird, we asked the doctor to choose a donor, which he did. All through the pregnancy and first months of his life, we thought it was donor sperm. But then the resemblance to my husband and his family became very obvious, so we took him back to the doctor and he said that there was "no way" that the baby could have been conceived with this donor's sperm. Apparently there is a 1 in 10,000 chance that the husband's weak sperm rides in on the donor sperm -- a miracle, we thought at the time, and I still do. But now our son is carrying the gay gene and we have to tell him. I just don't know when or how. I feel that I will be forever watching and wondering, even if he marries a woman, because of what he said. It's double jeopardy and it stinks.

I am capable of doing what I have to do, but you're right - at the moment I feel like a victim. Right now, even though the gay issue is on my mind 24/7, I am focused on how grumpy and rude my husband is being - I do stand up to him on that one, telling him that it is unacceptable at best and abusive at worst. I told him that I might be able to work with him on an outcome that works for both of us, but not as long as he is acting like a self-centered jerk. And, by the way, my therapist AND psychiatrist told me independantly that he is narcissistic, then his therapist told mine the same (he signed a release for exchange of information, as did I, in the hopes of figuring things out. Not that he didn't already know. What a good actor. So he blames everything on me and wonders why "just living out our lives as friends and teammates for parenting" isn't a good idea. Hello? Earth to husband? Because marriage is an intimate relationship.

Our house if filled with too much stuff, a mess that I am convinced is an expression of the confusion I've felt over the last 24 years. It is overwhelming to me, especially when I think about divorce. So I have started to just set aside and pack up my most personal and precious possessions "just in case". Ever since I found out, I have felt like everything in the house is his. It has never truly felt like my home and now I know why. Now I feel more alienated than ever. There's someting else weird: for my entire adult life, when I move, I never put up pictures (of people) until I feel like I am going to stay. We have a few framed prints from Target, but no pictures, after almost a quarter of a century. (wow, that sounds big...) Even the things we have had framed are just sitting in closets and on the floor.

So, having not done anything outside of my own personal life, I am getting the same result. And despite all of the above, I am still afraid to make a move. I don't know why, but I am trusting that the reason will be clear over time, since dysfunctional things never stay hidden for long. Actually they do. Oh well. I have to do something. I am very overweight, stressed out of my mind, having trouble curtailing spending, and not sleeping well. I may have to move on, even though I don't think I can right now. Thanks for your thoughts, Carol. I really appreciate you reading my long missives. Are 10,000 other people doing that too?

Astraea

[Astraea]

Now my husband is saying that it is no big deal - that his eperiences were "a long time ago" and that they didn't involve sexual intercourse, except for one aborted attempt. He doesn't seem to understand that even BEING in that situation says a lot. He siad he wasn't attracted to me. Now he denies that, adding that "I like your body, but I would like it more if you weighed less." Me too. I am almost 100 lbs. overweight, all accumulated since my son was 2 which, coincidentally, is the same time that he stopped being attracted to me. I keep thinking about what Carol said, about being a victim, and how doing nothing will produce tha same results. What is the difference between taking on the victim role and just plain being a victim? Why am I supposed to be able to rise abouve that?

[Carol Grever]

Dear Astraea,
My definition of a victim is one who is absolutely helpless against a force over which there is no control, e.g. a pedestrian hit by a car, or a person who contracts a deadly virus. In the case of a straight spouse, there is another factor which must be considered, and that factor is choice. We didn't choose to be in a gay-straight relationship (we didn't know it), but we do have a choice about how we respond to the situation. That was the distinction I was trying to make regarding "taking on the victim role."

A way to rise above it is to consider one's choices and move toward the best available. (One of those choices is to do nothing different, but that means settling for the status quo.) There is no single right answer, and you are the best person to map your own course. No one can do it for you, as harsh as that seems.

As always, my best wishes go with you!
Carol Grever

[Jo Deck]

I was married for 18 years...I got pregnant 3 months after we got married...all the sex stopped as soon as I got home with the baby..he became the mother...I couldnt do anything right or good enough..a negative and hateful monster began..my other 2 children suffer from this still.He is still in denial...after being caught at gay parks and even bringing a strange man to our home when I was gone out of town.I waited until my son was a senior to file..I had filed 2 other times..wanting out so bad,and my son fell apart.We've had counseling from a place in nashville that insisted he could be cured and it was a choice..even a phd that has been on dateline and has books told me so.Its been a nightmare..he threw our family away for "friendships"all through the years telling me I was crazy for not wanting him to have friends..everything was my fault..everything..I filed over 2 years ago..he's stll trying to get money that my parents worked so hard for me to have.I just want some peace before Im gone from this life ...with a caring,loving man...I would love to feel like a female again.These men in denial are wrecks and mad at the world..taking it out on all who enter their paths..I pray for God to protect me from the evil of it all.I wish I had it all to do again.

[Carol Grever]

Dear Jo,
I completely agree with you that you were misled by the counselor who promised that a gay man could be "cured," i.e. made straight, and that being gay was his choice (see my previous blog post on this subject). In the first place, being gay is not a disease that requires a cure, nor is sexual orientation a matter of choice. You've identified the real problem, and that is your husband's denial of his real sexual orientation. Living in fear of truth ruins lives.

I pray for a world in which each person can claim his or her real sexual identity and live openly with assurance of social acceptance. If this day comes, we won't find ourselves trapped in mixed-orientation marriages that create hell for all involved. I'm glad you're getting free and I wish for you that peace and love that you desire. May it be so!
Carol Grever

[Nancy Chamness]

We had a week of two of relative calm around here. I think that my husband and I we both too emotionally exhausted to keep talking about his being gay. But now the thoughts are creeping in again about wanting to be with a man who likes women, me in particular. The problem is that with his narcissism it is very hard for him to see that he is being emotionally distant. If he doesn't need it, nobody does. My judgement slipped tonight and I said , "I wish you were straight." His silence was deafening. Sigh. Another day. How is eveeeeeryone, especially Julie. What happened in your situation?
Astraea

[Julie]

I'm here to share that my husband and I are ending our marriage. It is a relief and confusing; shitty and fantastic; heartbreaking and frightening. I can't believe it but I can't believe it took this long. Since my last post, I found out my mom is terminally ill with end-stage liver disease. It has rattled my world, but it has also helped me move forward with my own life. (My mom is still alive, receiving hospice care.) My husband and I began therapy with a gay counselor, which was great as he is a really good therapist. My husband also started going to a coming out group, which stirred up the pot in a big way. I was processing my own guilt for possibly ending our marriage and changing our children's lives, forever. I have been standing still, waiting for a miracle, and the only thing I know for sure is that sometimes in life, a miracle doesn't come unless you do the work to get it. This is one of those times: I cannot wait for something to change my situation; my situation is mine and I have to change it. My husband is gay. I am not okay with staying married to him. We haven't had sex in a million months. I don't want to, but I do want a sexual relationship. My children feel the tension, and if they could articulate it, they would ask what the *#(@ we're doing together!!! Our evenings are spent wasting time on our respective computers, chatting with friends on Facebook or whatever, my older daughter in her room. We are totally disconnected emotionally and physcially. I am so anxious that I take anxiety medication regularly just to make it through the night. My husband is disconnected, too, and angry that he's here. I'm angry that he's here. I told him today that I want to end our marriage, that I do not want to live this way, that I do not want this for our children. We are giving ourselves a week to figure out where he'll live, how we will tell our children. I need help. I need to know how to move forward from here.

With much gratitude,
Julie

[Carol Grever]

I've wondered why it seems that the gay/straight crisis is so often accompanied by some other life-changing event. When my husband came out to me, I was already facing the imminent death of my dear father with leukemia. In two months' time, I lost both men I had depended upon most of my life. Julie, I feel such empathy for you, with your mother's terminal illness on top of your husband's coming out. The hope lies in the fact that you now have the courage to take responsibility for your own future and to make decisions that will move you toward a new life. This is hard! But I'm confident that you will find reward in the exhilaration of freedom. Take one step at a time and know that there will be obstacles and frustrations, but you are moving toward something better. Best wishes!
Carol Grever

[Julie]

Thank you, Carol.

The latest (it seems to change every hour!) is that my husband feels that I am the one who wants to end the marriage, therefore I should leave our home. I am a full-time mom and, even thought it's not "PC," I am a housewife. I have a past career as a published writer and volunteer to inner-city college students, but still need my Ph.D. to actualize that completely. In the meantime, I am home with our daughters (3 and 10 years-old). My husband has said repeatedly that he will not leave the house; that he wants to stay married no matter what. There are moments when he has clarity and understands that our marriage is not working, but they are few and far between. We are fighting, the kids feel the tension, we cannot get through a conversation without disagreeing about how to make this work. I went to an attorney today to gather information, which prompted my husband to do the same. He is now being "advised" that he does not need to leave. So here he is, in this miserable house with a wife who cannot hold his "secret" anymore. I feel so dejected and helpless -- just a few hours ago, he had agreed to go and was cooperative. He changes like the wind. It's crazy-making. Is this part of the fear of coming out? Yes. Is it that his reality will possibly hit him when he's gone? Yes. But that is not for me to hold for him. I just can't do it anymore. What to do??