Stages of Recovery

    When my husband told me that he had "homosexual tendencies" and later filled in details of two decades of clandestine gay activities, I was awash in conflicting emotions.  Over many months, we worked to stay married and then to divorce with grace, and I was unknowingly following a predictable pattern of reactions as a straight spouse.

    When a married gay or lesbian comes out, certain stages of recovery may be expected.  These stages come and go and are often repeated.  Self-reports of more than 2,000 straight and gay spouses summarized the pattern in the publication Opening the Straight Spouse's Closet (PFLAG, 1994).  I  personally experienced them all.

    Typically, there's shock to learn that one's intimate partner has a different sexual orientation from your own.  Relief follows, as many unexplained details of the relationship become clear.  It is the "Ah, then it isn't me!" reaction.  Confusion is common, followed by denial of the reality of the situation.  Most people experience some self-blame: "What could I have done to prevent this?  Is it my fault that he's gay?"  In some cases, there is heart-felt sympathy for the anguish of the gay partner.  All these early reactions occur repeatedly, not necessarily in order--all with incredible intensity. 

    When it's clear there is no turning back, straight spouses face their new reality.  Stark awareness ushers in anger, grief, and despair.  This dangerous but necessary phase takes months or years to resolve.  Grief comes from the betrayal of trust, the loss of love, and the obliteration of future plans.  When straight spouses fully understand the health risks they've faced and the the depth of their loss, their anger can deepen into rage and despair.  If they remain in this stage, their chances for full recovery are slim. 

    Fortunately, most spouses reach a turning point, finding inner strength to begin healing.  This usually happens when they accept what they cannot change and move toward resolution.  When anger is replaced by forgiveness, trust and hope can be restored.  People who heal most successfully usually reinforce their own inner resources with some belief or meaning beyond themselves.  When they regard the whole experience as a teacher, not a disaster, they are able to move into the next phase of their lives, reconfiguring a happier future. 

    These stages of coping were reiterated dozens of times in the interviews I did for my books and documentary.  They are relatively predictable.  The best news is that we can navigate these stages and arrive safely on the other side of this life event--whole and wiser for the experience.

Comments

[Carol Grever]

Jenni is right. This dark period of grief and rage eventually passes and vision clears. Much of your current frustration grows from your husbands' refusal to say, "I'm gay." As Jenni points out, their reticence is not under your control. Whether they own their sexual orientation or not, you need to listen to your own intuition about it and look at the evidence in a realistic way. Then decide the best course of action.

Jenni, try checking the Straight Spouse Network Website to learn whether there's an active peer group in your city -- http://www.straightspouse.org
You might also find help through PFLAG or a community counseling center. Best wishes in that search.
Carol Grever

[Brian]

Well my wife and I have been trying for awhile to work on "US" I married her knowing that she was BI, over the Yers she has lied, cheated, and Kept our son from me (stayed in AZ) when I was stationed at Fort Sill (not one visit from her or our son, I had to take leave to see them because that's the only way I would be able to see them), I will admit that I'm not the best husband or father, I haven't been there as much as I should because of the military and my job as a trucker when I got out, On 21 March I corrnered her and told her that I wanted a legal seperation because I wasn't getting what I need from a relationship, and I corrnered her into admitting to me and herself that is is a full-blown Lesbian, I have been very supportive/recpectful of her (except when she had kept our son away from me) sexuality, I was treated like SH*T by her, I want to rember the good times, but with all the lies cheating pain hurt I can't, my heart/willpower/self confidance has been ripped out of me, to top it all off, I just lost my job, I feel like maby I shouldn't have come home, but rather to AZ to be with my mother or brothers, I still might to end the tourcher that I'm going through, but I don't want to leave my son, he and my wife were my world, she was the only star in the sky for me a one in a zillion, I'm in a house surrounded by alot of people and yet I'm alone, the other day She fought with me infront of our 10 year old son, (back story, he had gotten grounded by ME in the morning, he and I had talked and I was going to unground him (under conditions) her and her Girlfriend were in the kitchen he ask if he could play a video game I told him to ask his mother, then the girlfriend comminted, infront of my son, that he shouldn't be ungrounded for atleast a week, I can take that from his mother but I woun't from her, and later I told my wife that I wanted to talk with her later, but instead she started to go at me, breaking one of the main rules when dealing with childern and sepration/divorce) I just don't know what to do or think anymore this november it would have been 11 years that we were married for, and now I have to start agen, If I can

[Carol Grever]

Wow, Brian! You are in the rawest and most painful situation imaginable. Maybe a time-out in Arizona would help you sort out your confusion among supportive relatives. Having someone you trust to confide in is essential in keeping your emotional balance. You're in a crisis and it's hard to think straight without such help. Starting over is hard, but staying where you are now isn't good for anyone involved. At least, find a friend or counselor to talk with as you try to decide what's best for your son and for you. Good luck in finding your way!
Carol Grever

[damagd]

I need help so bad. I found out my husband has cheated on me with over 30 guys on craigslist. He said he loves me and doesn't know why he did it. He is trying to find himself and some answers, as I hate what he did I still feel I need to give him time to find himself. In the meantime all I am thinking is that he is going to leave me and I will have lost my only love. I can stop crying or obsessing with a million and one questions to him. This has been going on since before we were married. Why wouldn't he tell me so I could make the choice not to marry him? I am so upset and scared that he slept with this many men. I can't get over the fact they met here at the house and had sex here while I was out of town for work working overtime, and he was taking vacation days to meet men. We started therapy, but I am having a hard time waiting for him to decide what he is and what he is going to do. This is horrible he did all the cheating but I need to respect him and not talk about it or rush him while deciding his sexual orientation.

[Carol Grever]

This is a reply to "Damagd." "Why wouldn't he tell me so I could make the choice not to marry him?" Your question has surely been asked by every straight spouse alive. There are so many reasons why gay people feel compelled to hide their sexual reality--social, religious, family pressure, career fears, etc. But once you know that your mate is gay, you can never return to previous ignorance about this essential fact. He isn't "deciding his sexual orientation." It is what it is and it can't change. My urgent advice to you is to take care of your health (get checked for STDs and HIV), and ask yourself what is best for you in the near and far future. Only you can answer that question. My best wishes for a happy outcome go with you.
Carol Grever

[brian]

Thank you, Carol
For your input, I'm doing ok, the intial shock and anger/bitterness has pasted, yes there is still some pain, and of course there is the sadness which remains, but because my wife and I had been dealing with her sexuality for as long as we have (going on 12+ years)(as where many have it popped on them) it (the emotional turmoil that others go through) is, much less turmatic for me to deal with, I don't hate her for being her, just the fact that she lied to me and herself, I know living here isn't the best thing for my own (speedy)recovery, But at the same time I need to be here for her too (I am a victom in this and so is she), becuase she is feeling gulity for what has happend, agen it's not her fault it's who she is, I would like for her to find herself help I've even found resources online for her to look at and read, I'm hoping that she will open up to me more so we can work on what is to become of our new relationship, and so that we can talk about our new future, either together or seprate, I still Intend to support my son, and I will support her too, till she and whom ever she ends up with can stand on their own two feet together. I sill love the woman, and I always will, but I also know nothing more will come of it.

[Carol Grever]

Nancy, one common reason that some mixed orientation couples choose to stay together is "golden handcuffs." You've summarized the argument yourself: "We talked once about the 'issue' as we call it; he pretty much said (with an edge on it) that I would not be able financially to take care of myself or get adequate health insurance." He is using a powerful lever. A cost-benefit analysis on your part will probably clarify your next steps and could go either way.

Carol Grever

[Carol Grever]

In response to Nancy's message of April 12:

I need to clarify what I meant by "mixed orientation." I wasn't talking about a bisexual individual. Rather, I was referring to a gay-straight partnership--a marriage in which one spouse is homosexual and the other is heterosexual. The term "mixed orientation" is a kind of shorthand for such a partnership. I suppose the term is jargon and I needed to be more explicit. I'm sorry for the confusion I caused here.

In your case, your husband could be truly bisexual, i.e. attracted to both men and women. Actually, only he can know that for sure; only he knows what arouses his desire. What you know is that he has had liaisons with other men. If he convinces you that he's actually bisexual and that he is physically able and eager to have sex with you, it will be your decision whether to accept his advances. You can't control what he thinks or does, but you can control your own responses.

Carol Grever

[Cindy]

I'M BACK,I am very erked, I was sitting next to my husband, and he rubbed my feet , i liked it , but later in bed I could feel him almost touching my legs, then it would be my butt. I was getting very mad, I didn't want to anger him by saying no, or embarass him, but damn it I told him It was over. As many times before, it is like I remind him I was serious about being friends, he quickly either forget, pretends, or ignores what i have said. and it really angers me. It just seals my thoughts that he has no respect for me. And doesn't believe that I will follow through. I am sad for him though, cuz I know that the only release for sexual tension will have to be from a hooker or craigslist post, because he isn't looking for a life long partner, he is over weight and not really out going. so I feel for him, I know he has screwed up, he had an attractive, fun, loving women. who has had t of his children helped build his business and is caring for his parents, how will he ever find that kind of caring? I was attracted to him, but now he has ruined that, and I too ,like nancy, the thought of sex with him makes me picture him with a man. I don't want that, I deserve to know that the man I am lying with wants and mostly CRAVES only me.or atleast a WOMANS body.
Life goes on I gotta take my kid to karate, I can't just sit here, life sucks but oh well.

[Carol Grever]

It seems to me that both Nancy and Cindy are textbook examples of the rage and despair stage of coping I described in the post at the top of this column--"Stages of Recovery." Once we pass through denial ("maybe he'll change")and recognize our new reality ("my husband is gay and won't change"), then it is possible to move toward acceptance of what IS. The next question is whether or not we can continue in the status quo or not. We have the choice to make. The danger is to get stuck in rage for too long because it can be very self-destructive. Now might be a good time to re-read "Stages of Recovery." Take care of yourselves!
Carol Grever

[daffodil]

I just found out this month, threw 3 people, we had already seperated but I could not understand why, we are both devout Christians, I am a born again, he was there to be with me that day. Within 1 month, this last month, I was told, Oh, didn't you know? Looking back I see stuff now that should have. Even intimate stuff, he was very strange to my standards but I put up with it. After 10 years of marriage and two darling children, 9 and 4, I found out he had affairs with men and propositioned his friend, which is why their their 15 year friendship ended. He told me it was because of such and such but really it was because he propositioned a straight man. He told me of homosexual activity before the marriage, but I thought it was just a "searching" period in his life. I look back and think "Duh". There were so many things I should have noticed, which I did, but refused to acknowledge. I am hurt and angry. His sister is a Lesbian that has not come out yet formally as well. I have been through so much it just hurts. It hurts to the core. I've prayed and begged and done what have you, he's gay. He admits some of it, but I've heard so much from others that I doubt what he denies is true anymore.
So we are in divorce precedings and I feel like an idiot. After all these years, 10 years, I finally find out. As a Christian please forgive, but I myself, believe it is a sin. So not only did he lie to me bu also to our church and God in front of me. If I sound bitter, I guess I am in that phase, but I just can't believe it. I spoke to my Father at the church and was greatly comforted. I was afraid to go back, thinking this was my fault, I was also afraid everyone would ask what happened and how would I explain it? I know we are supposed to forgive 7 times 70 but at this time it feels hard to do. My best friends father did this to her mom after she turned 18 as well. So I've seen the wreckage, I was her office manager for years. Her mother went through such a bad time she could not even get out of bed for days, we had to run the company ourselves. I just feel so dumb, I've seen it before, and it was obvious, and I just looked the other way in my life hoping that our faith would not let it be true. So I guess I am in anger and grief right now, I don't know how to explain this to our children, and me and my older daughter are extremely close, I raised her alone, he was gone 14 to 15 hours a day on weekdays and 6 to 7 hour on weekends, doing whatever. She's 9. I don't understand how this can happen. I guess I am venting but I am so sad. I lost a man I loved because actually he was gay. I can't wrap my head around it.

Daffodil

[damagd]

I'm back. Things have been crazy here. I just am trying to deal with this one day at a time but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. My husband has now told me he thinks he might be bisexual but not gay. How do you have sex with one woman (me) and over 30 men. That sounds like a gay man in love with a woman to me. Anyways I was wondering if he is bisexual if he can supress the urge of men? He told me he only wants to be with me and I am all he wants. I am so confused......

[Carol Grever]

This is a response to "Damagd." If you haven't already done so, it might be really helpful for you and your husband to go together to a counselor. A trained, objective listener could help each of you sort through your personal questions and perhaps help you decide how to move forward--either together or apart. Right now, you are understandably confused by the mixed messages from your mate. In that vulnerable condition, it's very difficult to think clearly without a good sounding board.

Carol Grever

[Jenni]

To Daffodil,
I really feel for you. Six months ago I discovered my husband had been having sex with men during all of our marriage. My discovery was the week leading up to our 10th wedding anniversary. We also are christians and this is certainly a big part of our lives. We also have two daughters, aged almost-9 and 6. I have explained to the girls that when we married Daddy promised that he would never love anyone else and he broke that promise so I don't want to live with him anymore. They seemed to understand this, and at this age it is (I believe) as much as they could cope with. My husband refuses to acknowledge that there even is a closet - I think he sees it more as a drive-thru window! So I couldn't tell the girls even if they were older, because he isn't ready.....like Carol says, he's brought us into the closet with him. It's not fair to ask children to keep such a big secret.
Make sure you feel the feelings you have - emotions are not either right or wrong, they just are. The forgiveness will come eventually if you keep your heart open to it. It's appropriate for you to feel angry for a period of time. Unfortunately sometimes we wives have to bear the brunt of other people's lack of understanding. My philosophy is that eventually the truth will come out - it may take a long time, but it will come out. Until then hold your head high knowing you didn't choose for your husband to do what he did, those were his choices.

[Diana Cox]

Jenni,
I too am in Australia, Newcastle actually, am have just found out that my husband of 22 years is going to leave me for another man, he is moving overseas. There is a support group in Sydney through the Leichhardt Womens Health Center and they have published an excellant book called His Secret, Her Story, whcih is available for purchase. Their web address is www.lwchc.org.au. Hope this helps. Life is pretty crap for me at the moment, but I'm hoping I can get through it

[nic]

WOW! I am so glad I found this site. I feel so alone it this battle. I can relate to many of you. I find it so difficult to find the courage to be honest with myself and do what is best for myself and my children. I found out 6 years ago that my husband was frequenting male and female massage therapist. The massages were all of sexual nature. He did tell me that he had sexual relations with the male therapist. He was also addicted to the phone chat lines and internet porn. He did 1 yr. of sexual addiction therapy. I was recommended to go to Cosa groups, but i did not. I know in my heart that this battle is not over. My husband verbally fantasizes about another man while we are having sex. I have expressed that I cannot take this anymore. It stops for awhile and always resurfaces. He would not admit to being bi or gay. I keep asking myself how much more do I need to wake up to the fact that he is. Why have I cheated myself out of a monogomous sex life. Why have I shared it with his fantasy man. I would've never in my life thought that this is a normal relationship so why do I stay. I realize that there are many of us who are wondering what to do. When your spouse cannot be completely honest, It is so difficult to move forward. However, I feel that I am also cheating him out of having a fulfilling life. If I leave will he be honest with himself or will he find another women to destroy and hide behind. Without his honesty I find it very hard to make any decisions. Thank you for your post. It is a difficult road, but knowing that I'm not going it alone is very reassuring. 6 years is too long and I hope to move forward.

[Jenni]

To Diana - I have also had contact with the Straight Spouses Network here in Australia. It's co-ordinated by a lady called Hannah and the email is ssnaustralia@gmail.com I would highly recommend you contact her as she has been very helpful (she's based in Sydney- I'm in Adelaide).

[Carol Grever]

Having this email contact for Straight Spouse Network in Australia is very useful. I've made a note of it also for future referrals. Thank you, Jenni, for passing the information along to Diana and all the rest of us.

Carol Grever

[Jane]

Hi - I'm not sure what to think about my situation. My husband denied he has gay tendencies but he has now been asked to leave two different gyms because other members complained about him having inappropriate behavior. He didnt deny what happen but says he doesnt know what he did - its just embarrasing. This has happened within the last 5 years and prior to that he was arrested in a public bathroom for inappropriate behavior. He says he is not gay - I think he is in denial. When we first started dating almost 20 years ago he used a gay hotline on my phone. He said he was courious. I'm seeing a pattern here and I'm not sure what to do. I really dont believe he has acted out but I think he is denying something that he feels. What do I do??? We have two teen age sons and I'm concerned how they would feel if this was known.

[Carol Grever]

In response to Jane's comment on May 8: These repeated incidents, including an arrest, are strong indications that your husband is gay or bi, regardless of his denial. His behavior has probably put you at risk. A good first step for you would be a thorough health check to be certain that you are free of STDs. Then, joint counseling with a trained professional could give you both a safe, private sounding board to help clarify your husband's sexual identity and reveal your options. It could help you answer your question about what to do next.

Best wishes.
Carol Grever

[Wendy]

This is the first time I have ever posted a comment. I think I am long overdue. It really helps to know others struggle with the same things. I appreciate everyone's comments. I married my high school sweetheart. We were married for 22 years when I finally was able to get my husband to admit that he was gay. Then, of course, came all the revelations about his experimenting with men. To complicate matters our 17 year old daughter had come out about 1 1/2 years BEFORE my husband came out. Being the supportive parents we had always been, we became involved in PFLAG, became politically active for gay rights & gay marriage. These activities really were part of the catalyst for my husband coming out. I felt so devastated and betrayed but also such incredible compassion for him. I even held a "coming out" party for him to try to put a positive spin on it. Fast forward to two years later, we are legally separated, live 10 minutes apart & see each other frequently. I have a boyfriend and he recently broke up with his boyfriend of eight months. My problem? Well, my best friend who was my rock when my husband came out has now developed a close friendship with my husband which is independent of me. I actually encouraged it at the beginning. She & I have been friends for 10 years & they were friendly before though not close. They are both now "single" and have decided to take a vacation together. My friend asked me if I was okay with it & initially I was. However, it is becoming more and more difficult for me to cope with it. I feel like he is being a better & more kind and caring friend to her than he ever was to me. I feel ridiculous! Its like I am in high school and someone is stealing my best friend. I am a very positive person who has really done well to move forward in my life, but suddenly I feel totally hurt. I mean, the hurt he has caused me in the past is always there but in sort of a dull ache, but now its like I am reliving the pain of our break up all over again. Maybe he is too much in my life?? But, we grew up together & have a long history together, a fabulous daughter together. I helped him come out to family & friends. I made it clear to people that I supported him. I have kept him included in all family events. I even took care of him recently when he had back surgery. Now, I feel like he is betraying me all over again. To top it off, its with my best friend & now I cannot say a word about him to her without hearing her defend him. She is now emotionally involved. I want to shout--"don't you remember he cheated on me with men!!! He is not that honorable!" They are just friends & there is nothing sexual going on & she totally understands that he is gay--so its not a question of him "falling in love" with her--they are just friends. But why can I not get over this? He has other female friends and it doesn't bother me at all. His having boyfriends doesn't bother me any longer. I gave my blessing for this friendship but now I feel so broken. Even my friend admits it has become a weird little triangle & not really what she bargained for. This is harder for me than when he had his first long-term steady boyfriend after we broke up. I have dealt with so much more. This is making me feel so weak & emotional. Ugh. I would appreciate any comments.

[Edie Midtern]

Ive been searching for something like this forum for so long. I was so comforted to know that I wasnt alone it what had happened.

When my ex boyfriend and I met, we had such a strong connection. He was going through some financial hardship and we had a lot of difficult situations thrown at us, but we always stayed strong and stuck together. I really felt like I had found the one.

We lived together until he lost his job about 7 months ago and so we had to move out into separate places (at my expense) after New Year this year.

His attitude gradually got more unusual.. more up and down. and I convinced him to go to counselling. About a month ago, we went on a short break just to take stock of things and decide what we wanted.

During this break he contacted me and explained he'd been an idiot for ever doubting us, and told me how much he loved me and knew it would work. Whilst this was happening, I found several incriminating emails from men and registration confirmation emails for gay websites.

When we regrouped after the break he explained that losing his job and his depression had made him feel emasculated and it was his way of escaping that feeling. The thing is.. our sex never altered. It was always passionate, sensual, and fufilling (as far as I knew)

I accepted what he said and we spent a lovely month together, rekindling a feeling we hadnt felt since the beginning.

Then about 2 weeks ago, out of the blue he broke up with me. I was being a patient loving girlfriend.. I gave him everything and tried to roll with the punches.

Now I feel humiliated and lost. he wont answer any of my questions.. we have mutual friends but when we hang out with them together hes cold with me as if he never even knew me.

I just need to know the truth. I know I'm only in my early 20's and there'll be other men.. but I just feel so ugly and stupid because I know that no matter how attractive other men may find me.. the one person that counts can even see it.

I just wish he'd tell me he was gay and stop coming up with such lame excuses.. I just need the truth so I can walk away from this with a lighter heart.

[Astraea]

Is anyone else having problems with telling your own family of origin about your husband? Also, if you have told friends, do you worry that the information will eventually be exposed publically?

[Carol Grever]

This comment is in response to Wendy's note, posted May 12. I can truly understand your feelings of dismay and even jealousy regarding your best friend's close relationship (platonic or not) with your gay husband. I believe that it is less debilitating for a woman if her husband has an affair with a man than with a woman. If you know that your husband is gay and he leaves you for another man (or men), there's a sense that you couldn't compete with that. On the other hand, if the affair is with another woman, you question everything about yourself--your sexuality, your appearance, your intelligence! I think that your present pain over your friend's connection with your ex has to do with this tendency. You couldn't compete with a man as your husband's lover, but this new relationship has hooked all of those not-okay feelings. Since you has a new man in your life and you've already gotten through the hardest stages of coping, it might be best to distance yourself from frequent contact with both the ex-husband and the lady friend. Maybe it's time to cut more of the ties and let go of what you cannot change. Acceptance of what is may be the beginning of complete healing and freedom from that "dull ache."

[Carol Grever]

This comment is in response to Edie's post, dated May 18. The erratic pattern of your boyfriend's coming closer, then abruptly leaving and treating you coldly has nothing to do with your worth as a woman. It is probably one stage of his progression toward coming out. He has denied the reality of his homosexuality to you, yet you have proof of his sexual orientation. Though it would be satisfying if he told you the whole story outright, it may not happen. Be aware that his denial doesn't change who he really is. I've written two articles elsewhere on this blog that address these issues more fully. "Denying the Truth" is the latest and is on the home page; "Recognize Your Gay Spouse's Identity Evolution" in the July Archives should help you understand where your boyfriend is in his own process of fully coming out. I believe that you'll recognize his behavior in that article. Best wishes to you as you sort through this frustration!
Carol Grever