When my husband told me that he had "homosexual tendencies" and later filled in details of two decades of clandestine gay activities, I was awash in conflicting emotions. Over many months, we worked to stay married and then to divorce with grace, and I was unknowingly following a predictable pattern of reactions as a straight spouse.
When a married gay or lesbian comes out, certain stages of recovery may be expected. These stages come and go and are often repeated. Self-reports of more than 2,000 straight and gay spouses summarized the pattern in the publication Opening the Straight Spouse's Closet (PFLAG, 1994). I personally experienced them all.
Typically, there's shock to learn that one's intimate partner has a different sexual orientation from your own. Relief follows, as many unexplained details of the relationship become clear. It is the "Ah, then it isn't me!" reaction. Confusion is common, followed by denial of the reality of the situation. Most people experience some self-blame: "What could I have done to prevent this? Is it my fault that he's gay?" In some cases, there is heart-felt sympathy for the anguish of the gay partner. All these early reactions occur repeatedly, not necessarily in order--all with incredible intensity.
When it's clear there is no turning back, straight spouses face their new reality. Stark awareness ushers in anger, grief, and despair. This dangerous but necessary phase takes months or years to resolve. Grief comes from the betrayal of trust, the loss of love, and the obliteration of future plans. When straight spouses fully understand the health risks they've faced and the the depth of their loss, their anger can deepen into rage and despair. If they remain in this stage, their chances for full recovery are slim.
Fortunately, most spouses reach a turning point, finding inner strength to begin healing. This usually happens when they accept what they cannot change and move toward resolution. When anger is replaced by forgiveness, trust and hope can be restored. People who heal most successfully usually reinforce their own inner resources with some belief or meaning beyond themselves. When they regard the whole experience as a teacher, not a disaster, they are able to move into the next phase of their lives, reconfiguring a happier future.
These stages of coping were reiterated dozens of times in the interviews I did for my books and documentary. They are relatively predictable. The best news is that we can navigate these stages and arrive safely on the other side of this life event--whole and wiser for the experience.
I just found out that my husband has been watching gay pornography on the computer. I found out because somthing printed out that shouldn't have when we were both there. Later I realized that he is addicted to gay porn(if addicted means 5-6 times a week for 24 years -- before computers he took trips to adult bookstores with movies in a booth). He said that he couldn't keep a promise to stop, three separate times when I asked him to. He was very cold and distant when he said it. Then I told him that I didn't think I could live under the same roof with someone who watches gay porn, that when I looked at him, that's all I could see. The next day he (being a narcissist and unable to accept criticism or not be perfect) told me he was going to stop. I said thank you but didn't believe him. After all the lies I don't think I will ever trust him again. Then he went to his therapist, came home, and said he was really going to stop. He is afraid of losing his family (wife & son) and will say anything to make something unpleasant go away. In fact, he recently admitted to having one year-long and another four-year-long gay
relationships, followed by a four-month one right before he met and subsequently married me. Before we married he said he wanted to come clean and tell me that he had a 4-5 day long time being with a gay man, that it was adolescent "experimenting" just at a later age because he never had a chance before. I took this at face value and decided to marry him anyway (first big mistake). It turned out that this "experimenting was actually a five-week hot and heavy relationship culminating (he says) in having anal sex "once or twice" but he didn't like it and that was the end of it. He even wanted to send this man a wedding invitation! I said hell no. There were so many clues from the very beginning - I can see them now but I struggled to please him and to build a relationshiop with him unsuccessfully for 24 years. My husband, a professional, had told me that this guy's house was really dirty, unkept, and crass, and his house was a pit. He said that he stayed because of his low self-esteem, whatever that means. We haven't been intimate since our son was born (he's 13 now) - he claimed erectile dysfunction from depression meds, but oddly that didn't stop him from having a successful relationship with himself and his porn. I am totally, utterly grosed out. We can't tell our son at his age, and he can't "come out" in a small conservative town where he has a good job and would basically be banned and shunned if anyone found out. Then he would lose his job and we would have no income. Si I, who have never lied in my life, now have to carry his dirty secret, cover for him, protect my son, and live in a sexless marriage. He doesn't have to change anything because I'll neverknow if he stopped or not. We have a beautiful home and neighborhood, friends, church, college, orchestra, social groups -- and if I were to "out" him it would be my own life I would be destroying. I feel like something is wrong with my thinking, but I can't tell what. Does anyone have any ideas?
Posted by: Astraea | May 28, 2009 at 03:58 PM
Astraea, it appears that you and your husband have made your decision to keep your marriage together and to continue as you are, at whatever personal cost. Approximately 15% of mixed-orientation marriages do remain intact, often for the reasons you give: family, social, economic, and fear of the unknown. Some decide that these values/needs outweigh the ongoing necessity to hide secrets and give up intimacy. If this is your long-term choice, your major danger is harboring the resentment and anger you've expressed in your posts. If you choose to keep the status quo, your future well-being will be undermined unless you can genuinely accept what is and find ways to rise above your losses. Therapy is almost essential, but you hold the key to your own happiness. It will be hard, but you are not the first person to make these choices. You can survive and I wish you well.
Carol Grever
Posted by: Carol Grever | May 30, 2009 at 05:07 PM
Carol, Thank you for your response. I have been thinking about it all day because I am NOT happy with the decision at all, and throughout the day I felt worse and worse. The personal cost IS too great. Right now I feel I am worth nothing. I feel trapped and confused and seriously angry. I cannot accept what is, ever, and I cannot survive the loss emotionally. I have fought depression for 30 years, hard, over issues of narcissism with my mother, who has no boundaries and walks all over me. I had come to a point through therapy when I seriously believed that I was getting some closure and acceptance; the therapist agreed and said I had fought every second to bring about this healing, so I felt strong. I know how to handle the depression and take care of myself. Then this happened with my husband and I feel flattened again, irrational, depressed. Tonight I feel like I am being "beamed down" on Star Trek, dissipating but not knowing where or how I will re-form. I tried to explain to my husband last night that it is a real Catch-22: even if I were to divorce and start a new life, I would never be able to trust any man in a realtionship again -- that ability has been permanently damaged in me -- so whether I could find someone again, whether I am fat and ugly or in fact desirable and attractive, is a moot issue because even if I did find someone this current crisis has destroyed the person I was. I do have a good psychologist I am working with and I realize that tonight I am seriously depressed, so I will take care of myself and call him in the morning. It seems as if I discovered this problem with the homosexuality and have been dealing with it, thinking that I was getting it under control, then realized today that what I have done, or even comprehended, is only the tip of an enormous iceberg. I can't handle it. I can't trust him or forgive him. I AM harboring toxic amounts of resentment and anger, and I am not strong enough to rise above these losses, nor do I want to in some strange way I can't comprehend. I don't feel that generous under the circumstances. And yet when I try to bring those issues to his attention, I am overwhelmed by sheer familiarity. Every year, every memory, every birthday celebrated, as we did tonight with his parents, is like a giant ship steaming through deep water, unstoppable. This is crazy. This is dangerous - I can see that. Fortunately I have good friends and a counselor to support me, because I can hear the iceberg cracking. How in the world to people live to survive this?
I know that I am venting some pretty powerful emotions here - I am scaring myself with their intensity - but I WILL take care of myself and get some help. In the meantime, if you or anyone have any idea what comes next, I would really appreciate the support.
Posted by: Astraea | May 31, 2009 at 10:28 PM
Astraea, you have deep inner resources that you've earned through previous therapy and self-examination. Now is the time to mine those resources and follow your intuition about the right path for you. You've reached your fork in the road and both choices look scary. But you have to take the next step in one direction or the other. You're on the brink of breaking the habitual paralysis that has prevented a decision. Your therapist can support you through that decision, but eventually you'll move with your own power. You can do it!
Carol Grever
Posted by: Carol Grever | June 01, 2009 at 03:48 PM
Carol, Today my therapist said the same thing you did about him supporting me through the decision but that I will move with my own power. - I guess anybody's crisis is a comprehensive crisis, depending on what bothers them. For me this crisis about him being gay is the worst, creepiest, grossest thing that could have happened. My mind is flooded with images of gay sex. My heart is aching knowing that he will never be attracted to me physically -- and worse, never was. Last night he offered to move out, but what would that accomplish? At least he is beginning to understand the gravity of what he has done. I know that eventually the lying will become a bigger issue than the sex, but right now it's the sex that is at the center of my attention, and I can' get it out of my head. The therapist said that I don't need to be hospitalized, that it's my husband who needs that if anyone, and that he (the therapist) will be available for me whenever I need him. I don't think I can make any kind of decision right now, but at the same time I don't think I can exist in this situation a moment longer. Anyway, thanks for your good advice and concern. I guess things will just have to happen when they happen.
Posted by: Astraea | June 01, 2009 at 05:26 PM
This is my first time writing on any straight spouse blog.
My husband of 13 years is gay. He has been in tremendous pain, shame, guilt and self-hatred for (I'm assuming) most of his life. I had a hunch he was gay in the beginning, but my own history made this feel safe to me. After eight years of marriage, I found gay porn on our home computer. I woke him at midnight to show him what I'd found, and he felt a sense of relief at the time. He quickly (within a day) put away his openness and ability to share this part of himself with me, and became a defense jerk! Our first daughter was four-years old at that time, so I, with much awareness and frankness, told him that we cannot live in his truth, that we must pretend this isn't happening. I wanted to be married, I wanted a second child, I wanted him to be straight, so I just asked him to please put it away.
Needless to say, three years and a second child later, I found more porn on the computer. This time, I said that I can't believe he betrayed me. (I've never asked if he's cheated on me. I don't want to know.) Again, I asked him to find a way to make it go away.
One year passed, and I couldn't hold it anymore. I needed to live in truth, for us to be authentically ourselves. I asked him to please come out to me in a more abstract, emotional way, which sent him into a deep depression. (It's always been about him, it seems...) He found his way to God, to counseling, to anti-depressants, to finally come out to a therapist and a friend, and now we're on the road to understanding his gay history.
So, where do I land in this? I have needs, I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I am thoughtful, and I've worked very hard at being an open, vulnerable person, one who does not walk through life angry or defensive. I want to share these strengths with someone. For now, I am sharing them with my husband and my children. In the long run, I plan on sharing them with a man who truly wants to receive them in a way only a heterosexual man can.
Thank you for being here.
Julie
Posted by: Julie | June 06, 2009 at 06:02 PM
Julie,
It sounds like you have had some rough years. The phrase you wrote, "we cannot live in his truth, that we must pretend this isn't happening" is a feeling that I had also. The way I think of it is I cannot live in his lie. I have never lied and he has betrayed my trust so much that I don't think that I will ever trust anyone again. It sounds like you are young and pretty and loving. Hang on to that - you are lucky and those beliefs and self-esteem are healthy. I would love to be able to say I think the same way, but I am 53, 275 lbs. ("normal" for me is 150) and my self-esteem is down the drain, a fact he capitalized on by saying that I am "not as pretty as I used to be" and that I "wouldn't find anyone anyway". Those words were spoken in anger, but he knows my weak spots. So hang on to your self-esteem. That's half the battle already.
Posted by: Astraea | June 06, 2009 at 06:52 PM
Thanks so much for your response.
My husband just "came out" to two people over the weekend. He has been holding this inside of him and feels so free now that he's let it out. It has triggered a tremendous amount of grief in me; I've found myself sobbing the deepest tears. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of our identity (whether that was a false identity or not, it was still ours to walk in), and I am understanding the magnitude of his homosexuality in a new way.
As much as I am mourning, I also feel free. Free of the rage that he felt, which spread to throughout our relationship. (He would threaten to leave me regularly, call me a "bitch" -- essentially blame me for his problems.) I feel free from the lie (at least a little bit). I feel like I can move forward with my needs, because now it is very real that I have them and they are certainly not being met by my husband. Grief and freedom are swirling around in me...it is not clean and clear -- one minute I'm crying about the fact that he's gay, the next I'm worried that he's been cheating on me, the next I'm thrilled to be moving forward. I can't wait to be on the other side of this!
Posted by: Julie | June 08, 2009 at 07:51 AM
Julie,
About "sobbing the deepest tears"...I had a friend when I lived in Europe, an Austrian who studied literature and theology. His father was a famous theologian also. When I was sobbing inconsolably about having to leave my life there and all my friends, Christof said to me, "I believe that tears are the purest form of prayer." Food for thought. You are not alone, and I am glad that your husband had the courage to come out.
Posted by: Astraea | June 08, 2009 at 10:07 PM
Julie, I agree with Astraea that you are grounded in good self-esteem and that strength will help you through this crisis. Hiding in the closet, living the lie damages us in many ways. Authenticity is the mother of freedom, I believe, and now that your husband is becoming open about his orientation, you are also free to be honest. Your current mixture of grief and relief are totally normal. It might be comforting to re-read the stages of coping in the article above and to find the July 23 article (in the blog's archives) discussing the gay spouse's identity evolution. You and your husband both seem to be right on track in these progressions. While knowing what to expect helps us understand what we're going through, it doesn't take away the pain. This is hard! However, it is encouraging to know that this pain doesn't last forever. Others have survived this crisis and you surely can as well. We're all behind you! Best wishes as you find your pathway to a new life.
Carol Grever
Posted by: Carol Grever | June 11, 2009 at 05:19 PM
I am having a really down night, crying, stressing, not being able to get to sleep, being hypervigilant and jumpy. My husband is on call overnight so I guess my subconscious mind decided that it's safe to blow. Like dynamite. At the urging of my counselor and older brother, I saw a divorce lawyer on Friday and it was awful. That's not what I want, though she told me that I would come out way on top of the issue with spousal and child support. It's just really not what I want though - I don't hate him. I don't want him to work so hard and then give me all the money he earns.It just feels, I don't know, unethical somehow. Not nice. Of course his lying to me wasn't nice either and was a far more grevious act. It would also be shooting myself in the foot as far as risking his job if he can't keep doing it for emotional reasons, which almost happened with an earlier job. Without it, we're all hosed. All day I keep thinking, "What would we do with all the stuff in the house? What would it do to my son? (Bigger question...)-- Could I take care of myself?" I did for many years, but that seems so long ago now. (Years of graduate school, then I worked in the city and later did research in Europe on a fellowship for two years.) It's not right just to stay for the financial security though, either - or any other kind of hard-to-name security. And then there is my down-the-drain self esteem. Because of all this I feel violated, dirty, ashamed, even invisible. That incontrovertable distance between a gay man and a straight woman has happened to me before. It's like, you try and try -- to make a connection, to deepen the relationship because you're falling in love with him, not knowing he is gay, even to feel heard and understood, or have him want what you have to give -- but still there is this awful NOTHING between you. I guess people with good self-esteem know how to say, "OK, something is wrong here, but it's not me", and move on. I just can't do that. In my mind it always goes to, "What did I do wrong?" or "I'm sure it's because I am fat & ugly," etc. This is insane. I am a college professor with a successful career and lots of interesting, fun friends who love me. I can happily do just about anything I want to do. People remark, even strangers, that there is a certain "light" around me, or that they feel so accepted and embrace in my presence. Why can't I do that for myself????? Complete disconnect. My brother, who knows about the situation, wrote and said "Be proud of who you are" and it just made me bawl, thinking about life before marriage, our nuclear family, the fun we had, sister-in-law, nieces and nephews who adored me (it was mutual), my father....there was always something going on at our house: building, flying, sailing, visiting, playing games, having an identity. Now I feel disconnected from all that, like it was another life. No matter how hard I try, I can't connect the two. (There is also 900 miles between my nuclear family and me.) I asked my counselor if I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and he raised his eyebrows and said, "No....you just have trauma, and lots of it. We'll deal with the rest later", which was comforting (the help dealing with it, not the having it happen). He said it took me several years before I could trust him. Now I am really glad I can. Still this whole thing is just devouring my life 24/7. I have tried to give myself breaks, and I can get distracted sometimes, but it always comes back. - The other night he said I am an "enigma" to him. He explained that he never knows what I am going to do, or why, or how I will want to change things, or where I am coming from, or what crazy project I will try next. I said, "You say this after 24 years of marriage?" Later I got really mad (and nasty, which I rarely am), and said, "Some people would call me refreshing and spontaneous, creative and joyous about living. You think I am an enigma because your world is so rigid that nothing makes sense from your perspective except that you are right and everyone else is wrong. So of course other people's personalities and motivations seem incomprehensible to you." I think the part about "refreshing..etc." is for me an earth-shattering and rare expression of self-esteem. I wish I could sustain it. He's really good at blaming me for everything. I fight back but not hard enough. - I can't imagine how long this post will be. It's just that I write as fast as I talk, and right now I really need to talk, so to whomever is listening, thanks and good night.
Posted by: Astraea | June 14, 2009 at 12:20 AM
Hello, Astraea--
Although I am not an expert in this "field" and do not have time behind me in coping/learning ways to move through this, I will say that you are not alone. The rigidity and blame he places on you, I suspect, are old patterns; a place for him to go to get his own monkey off his back. And the fight you fight, well, it's probably effective to a point but lands on him and he gives it right back.
This isn't about exerting rage toward him; rather, what I am getting at is that you have probably -- in a loving and non-judgemental way -- given him the acceptance to be who he truly is, even when he can't handle that reality.
My husband said to me just weeks ago, after YEARS of never, ever once acknowledging that I have served a purpose for him, that I have been the only person who has truly loved him through all of his pain. I have been a light and inspiration. ME! Me? (Then why has he treated me like such crap?!?) I just wonder if your husband is terrified and that you are holding that fear for him, safely and unconditionally.
When it is time to calmly hand it to him, to let it go, you will probably mourn and grieve, but you will also be able to set yourself free.
I am free-associating here, to some extent, and I hardly want to edit this as it is raw and coming straight from my intuition...I hope it helps.
Sending you strength and self-conviction, along with warm thoughts from me. I know what you are feeling and I feel for you.
Posted by: Julie | June 14, 2009 at 10:08 PM
Julie,
Thank you for your response. Every sentence of it helped me and gave me something new to think about - really: the rigidity, the blaming, holding his fear for him....You have very good, and clear and helpful intuition.
We met in my office at the college today to be alone. He finally admitted that he considers himself "on the gay side of bisexual," and when I asked for a clearer answer, he said yes, he is gay. He said that he is not attracted to me and gave the reason that I amn overweight (blame again..) What about the 13 years without sex? What about feeling alone, and ashamed and not able to reach him? Geez, many women I know would eat. It doesn't make it right, or healthy, but it is a way of deriving comfort and "feeding" some sort of primal need. My husband has provided material things for us - we are not rich, but we don't want for anything (except retirement and college for my son). In outer ways he has been interested, helpful, etc. but now he is just centered on his own needs. He said to me once, "I have been mad at you for 25 years, and I just figured out that it is my mom that I'm mad at. Then he thinks that all of the repercussions and hurt during that time are instantly exonerated by his statement.
I'm so tired I am reeling - got to get some sleep, but I wanted to thank you for your response.
Posted by: Astraea | June 14, 2009 at 11:39 PM
It's me again, needing to sound off. I have realized that, since my husband is narcissitic, he will never be able to emathize with how I am feeling. Nor will he be able to fix anything, because he is happy as he is. I can't keep going for comfort to the person who hurt me. That doesn't mean I can't seek him out for other types of comfort, except that I won't because I have nothing for him right now. He has acknowledged that he hurt me badly, ditto that he lied to me atrociously. He has tried to stop watching Internet porn, though I'll never know if he did or not. None of this diminished in any way the gravity of his treatment of me, but I realized today that there really is nothing more that he can say. Last night I met him for dinner and, try as I might, every word that came out of my mouth was venomous. I have never experienced that before, especially the lack of control over it. I can't divorce him because it would cause us both financial ruin (I met with a lawyer). So, in summary, there is nothing more that he can do and I'm going to stop talking about it - to him anyway. This distresses me very much because then he gets what he wants, which is to be left alone and I would rather engage him. But on this issue, he wins. Damn it all.
Posted by: Astraea | June 17, 2009 at 04:06 PM
Dear Astraea, my heart goes out to you again and again. You are so obviously miserable, yet you "can't divorce him because it would cause us both financial ruin." This is a true dilemma in which you lose either way. But I must ask this: How much money would you pay for peace? How much is sanity worth? What would you give for a carefree, happy day? Have you ever made a T chart, listing all the pros and cons of each decision? Maybe that would help clarify a next step. Or maybe your choice is made already--to live in the status quo. It's up to you, of course.
Carol Grever
Posted by: Carol Grever | June 18, 2009 at 11:00 AM
Carol,
I don't want to live in the status quo. I want to be with a man who likes women, especially me. Someone who is happy to see me when I come through the door. Someone who lets me into their space, and looks at me tenderly, and who doesn't lie or watch disgusting gay pornography on the Internet (so he's fine sexually, while I wait - stupidly, hoping that things will get better, knowing nothing) I know that it won't get better. The status quo or worse is all I have to choose from, at this point in time anyway, becasue I am too much of a wimp to do anyhting about it, and have such low self-esteem that it couldn't go down any further. He said that he isn't attracted to me any more, He used to be. What happened? and that I'm fat, and that I'd be crazy to leave him because, "even if there are guys out there, there are only losers at our age. I feel like a freak, more than ever before. He stole my life. I hate him. I hate how everything is about him. What's a crefree, happy day? It's hardly worth daring to be happy, because either he or my mother will quash any joy left in the aftermath of it. I know I need to have hope, or there won't BE any happy times down the road. I know that rage will eat me alive, becaus that is what's happening right now. I want a life. I don't want the status quo, but I don't know how to begin, and I am so, so tired. Also waiting it out for improvements that might never happen is just plain stupid. I can't let go of the hurt and rage, and I can't even imagine moving forward. I know that this is faulty thinking, but I can't make myself believe otherwise. It really stinks. Thanks for answering. I appreciate it. I am spinning my wheels and feeling very alone.
Posted by: Astraea | June 18, 2009 at 11:12 PM
Astraea, my intention in answering blog comments is to be helpful and to offer hope for a better future. However, my responses are not always on target. If I've made you feel worse, I'm sorry. I know that you work closely with a professional therapist who is trained far beyond my ability to advise. I write as a friend who has traveled a similar path, not as a counselor. I think sometimes I overstep that role, but know that it is with the best intention. I send heartfelt wishes for a good outcome and that you'll find the strength and resources to overcome your current despair.
Carol Grever
Posted by: Carol Grever | June 19, 2009 at 08:02 AM
Astraea,
I would love to share that my confusion about where to go next, what was to come to me next, what I was supposed to decide next, left me waiting for "what's next" all the time, and I was unable to live with where we are, now. I know that right now I am denying myself my own needs. I know my husband is doing the same. I know that I don't want to have sex with my husband. I know that he probably is relieved to not "have" to have sex with me. I know that he is searching, as am I, every day. I know that my rage surges, blows, and calms itself. I know that sadness and tears flow, then subside when they've been given their chance to release. I know that I don't want to get a divorce today, right now, or in the near future. I know that some days, we move slowly and without thought or feeling, and other days we forge ahead on two separate paths.
Sometimes, fear paralyzes me, but I know that I will be better than okay; I will thrive as I always have in life. I insist on more -- much more -- than mediocrity from myself and the life around me. I will not live like this forever, but I don't want to leave a mess behind. I want to do my best to clean it all up, that is, understand his place and my place before we move forward in a "big" way.
What do you know? Do you know that this rejection is bringing up rage? Do you know that you want him to be straight? Do you know that you want him to love you the way you feel he would love a man? Those feelings churn about in me and leave me nauseous some days, but I know what I know, and it helps me stay clear.
I send you my warmest, most loving thoughts and compassion.
Julie
Posted by: Julie Wallach | June 19, 2009 at 08:24 PM
Carol, I was talking to myself as much as you when I responded. It made me see more clearly what I want & don't want. You weren't overstepping at all. You have helped me through this crisis in a way that no one else could have. I am extremely grateful to you and hope that you will keep sending whatever comes to mind about my outpourings. Thanks for listening, being there and responding with such compassion and experience. Don't change a thing, please.
Posted by: Astraea | June 19, 2009 at 08:49 PM
Julie, I loved your last post. It was so thoughtful and compassionate,and it almost felt like poetry, really.
I am still discussing things with my husband. He argues that, since he hasn't been in a relationship since we were married, that he should be off the hook. He finally understands, though, how serious it is and said that he wouldn't blame me if I left. About meeting a new partner (hypothetically) he said, "I just don't want to see you get hurt." HA! Hello?? He should talk. But he does sincerely care about me, which is nothing to discount. So I carry on in my inner ping pong game of life and wonder how it will all turn out.
Posted by: Astraea | June 22, 2009 at 11:14 PM
Julie & Astraea,
Reading your posts is so helpful to me. I sat here with tears in my eyes because your lives and experiences echo my own.
My gay husband came out two years ago. We are legally separated and have been for about 1 1/2 years. Initially I was devastated because I knew for me that my marriage would ultimately end. At the time, I was actually more concerned about how G. would live the rest of his life. I felt a great deal of compassion for him. Of course, I was also deeply sad, terribly angry and so hurt.
When he came out, he admitted there had been a number of random sexual encounters with men. Looking back, I think I really did not deal with that much. Now, two years later, the anger is rearing its ugly head and I am feeling a recurrence of my anger and an even deeper rage. I am having a hard time reconciling all that was good about G. when we were married with his ultimate betrayal of me. He was a supportive husband. I earned both a bachelors degree & a law degree while we were married and raising our daughter together. He was a devoted and attentive dad. He and I spent a lot of time together laughing and having fun. How could this be the same man who cheated on me and put my health at risk? There is no answer to this question. It is hard to accept that.
The reason I think these feelings are recurring now is that he has formed a close friendship with my best girlfriend. At first it was with my blessing and encouragement because it seemed so harmless and he had so few friends. Although it is clearly platonic, as they become closer, my anger grows. He is betraying me again. He is being a better friend to her than to me--and he had promised we would always be "best" friends. I have gone back to counseling and have been making an effort to keep some distance from him and focus on my present relationship. It is hard. He doesn't get it. He doesn't see how this hurts me. So, I find myself struggling AGAIN!
I am trying to focus on the good things in my life (and I am blessed with many good things). At this point in time, however, I am really in a rage about this second betrayal. The original wound has been reopened!
One of the things I have learned through this process is that I have to listen to my gut, to my inner voice. I think I repressed my inner voice for many years. It had been screaming at me that something was not right but I consistently ignored it. Now I try very hard to listen. When I have a decision facing me and I don't know what to do, I just try to wait it out until my gut tells me what to do. Astaea, you do not have to decide today or tomorrow whether you will divorce or stay married. I think you simply need to set that type of decision aside for the moment, spend time being kind to yourself, loving yourself, listening to yourself and protecting your heart--and I think, in time, your path will be clear.
My best wishes to all the straight spouses out there. You are certainly not alone. It is a true comfort for me to read these posts and know that I am not alone.
Posted by: Wendy | June 25, 2009 at 10:29 PM
Thanks so much, Wendy. It is completely understandable that you would feel betrayed by "G" as you truly deserved that kind of love from him. I wonder why he is doing this? Why your best friend? His actions are not as important as your response to those actions, but it seems directly hurtful somehow. (Don't want to fuel your fire, just wondering where his motivation is...)
I hope your path moves quickly from anger to serenity.
Julie
Posted by: Julie Wallach | June 30, 2009 at 05:26 PM
Last night I was so anxious I could barely cope, which is not like me. I went to bed at 9, only to wake up at midnight and stay awake until 4:30. I woke up again at 6:30, famished, and ate a piece of pie, folowed by two eggs and two pieces of toast, and I was still huungry so I ate chocolate covered dried charries till I was finally full. I have never binged like that before, ever. I couldn't believe I could eat so much, period, let alone still be hungry. My husband got up around 8:30 and I left for the dentist at 10. While I was there, the dentist said that I had a dangerously big abcess in addition to the crown that fell off, in addition to the tooth implant that needs a crown, but I've been putting it off because of money. The total is $4200, which we don't have. My husband says we don't have money to continue my therapy, either, but we always managed before. Now he says I have to cut the therapy times in half. You're probably wondering what this has to do with being a str8 spouse. What is happening is that he is rearing his ugly narcissistic head and playing me with money because he is afraid of what I know. I think it's the only weapon he has left. Anyway, the destist told me very kindly that my teeth are softening and if I don't stop drinking Coke and eating sugar, they will eventually rot and/or break off. During the session I started to "white out," to dissociate. The pain of my life was too much to bear so my mind shut down. It was scary. It was like I could see them but not hear them. After I went to the car, it all got worse, until I realized that I couldn't drive, so I had to call him and a friend to come get me. The rest of the day I was either dissociating or falling abruptly into a deep sleep. This type of thing has happened to me before and it led eventually to not wanting to live. It is very dangerous because the pain goes away and I get relief. Nothing makes sense or looks right, but the pain stops. Fortunately my therapist has a slot tomoorrow so we can defuse all of this. In the meantime my husband said, "The good things we have outweigh the bad. Why are you so worried about the sexuality issue? It's only one of many factors." That makes me doubt my perceptions and I start to think that his judgement and ideas are the only good ones, that I am somehow less. I am seeing a cold, mean side of him that I have never seen before and it scares me. I have to remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong and that it is the revelation of the truth that is causing him to panic and fight back. Tonight I don't feel strong enough. If I didn't have a son, I'd be halfway home to my brothers in Wasington DC to start a new life. What can I dfo?
Posted by: Astraea | June 30, 2009 at 10:06 PM
My husband has said he is sorry, that he is ashamed and won't watch gay porn again, and that he wouldn't blame me if I walked out - so he has pretty much said everything he can. Now he is back to business as usual, though. When I said that I felt like the whole thing was being swept under the rug, he said, "Well I think if you compare the good things in our life with the bad things, the good things come out way ahead. We have a nice house, enough money, a beautiful son, and jobs. That outweighs the negatives, that we have no sex or intimacy." He is so damned logical and he has reduced all of these "factors" to be the same weight and value. Somehow I don't consider "nice house' and "no intimacy" to be +1, -1. Also I am having trouble with depression again and with going blank whenever I am close to difficult thoughts. The technical term is dissociating and it is very dangerous because it makes the pain go away, but in that state I can't think clearly. My therapist says that he is "very concerned" and so am I. I can't just stuff all these feelings, yet what is there left to do? I don't want to leave, I just want it all to go away. How's that for magical thinking? I am tired. Very tired.
Posted by: Astraea | July 01, 2009 at 11:48 PM
Tonight I had the strength to tell P to go. He cried for the first time in who the hell knows how long, manipulated the situation...I told him that I have been carrying his pain for years, that I have cried his tears for years, and that he cries once and I am supposed to feel something deep about it. It really pissed me off.
Then, when we were ready to tell our older daughter (9) about it, she was so devastated about seeing Daddy crying that she said she'd want to live with him, and she was mad at me. We have not chosen to tell her the truth yet about him being gay, but we are faced with not getting a divorce because it is too painful for everyone.
EXCEPT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel ready to go. I feel ready to move on, and I feel trapped. I got the courage and spilled it all over the floor, now just cleaning up the mess of it.
This sucks.
He is still gay and I am still lonely, only now I am still married even though I had window of courage to have him leave.
Oh, this is so hard. I want to be free from his horrible chains of fear.
I need help.
Thank you,
Julie
Posted by: Julie Wallach | July 05, 2009 at 10:13 PM