Straight Spouse Connection

What Can I Say to My Kids?

How about your children?  When do you tell them that one of their parents is gay?  How much should they know about it, and how soon?  How can kids understand such a complex issue?  Their age, maturity, and general stability all affect the answers to these and related questions.  There are no stock answers that fit all families, so important decisions tailored to your situation are inevitable. 

Experts suggest explaining the situation in stages, not overwhelming the youngster with too much information at once.  Answer their questions honestly, but don’t try to cover every detail of the situation in one sitting.  Children sense that something is wrong and they need sufficient information to allay fears that the trouble is their fault. 

It is also important to use language the young person can understand, being scrupulously careful not to malign the gay partner.  Divisive behavior and hateful words inevitably wound the child even further and damage future family relationships.  Above all, don’t try to make your child an ally by demonizing his other parent.  Measure your words carefully.  This is a real test of your own maturity and self-control. 

Some examples from my book When Your Spouse Comes Out may point the way.  Matt explained to his four-year-old why Mommy had moved into a separate bedroom.  Matt began by saying that there were going to be some changes.  Mommy has realized that she is what’s called gay.   Most people, men and women, like and want to live together as husband and wife, but with gay people, men like men and women like women and that’s who they want to be partners with for their life.  There isn’t anything wrong with it.  It’s just like people have different hair colors and skin colors, different heights—some people are taller and some people are shorter.  While most people aren’t that way, there are a lot of people who are gay.  Your Mommy has figured out that she is one of those people.  At some point, it will mean that Mommy and I won’t be married anymore.  But we’ll both still be your parents and it doesn’t change how we love you.  This isn’t your fault.  It isn’t anything you have done.  For the time being, things will stay the same here at home. 

Notice the language level for a small child and reinforced reassurance that the boy would still have two loving parents and that the immediate changes would not threaten him—and weren’t his fault. These points are important to make, regardless of the age of the child. 

Explaining to older children presents a different challenge.  Carlotta and David had a son and daughter who were thirteen and eighteen when David disclosed his homosexuality to his wife.  Though this couple immediately realized that their marriage would end, their family still existed as a high priority.  Their focus was to preserve family ties in some form. 

They spent months in private discussion, adjustment and preparation before they told their teens.  When the time seemed right, they called a family meeting and told the whole truth to their teenagers, answering all questions honestly.  After they had time to absorb the truth, both teens discreetly told their friends and received immediate peer support.  They also adjusted to the changes, knowing that both parents were behind them.  At no time did either parent denigrate or criticize the other.  Their family ties held firm through an amicable divorce and their kids went on to college and are launching successful lives of their own now.

Waiting until the heat of the discovery has cooled is a good idea.  Give yourself time to recover from your own shock, work through immediate personal issues, and prepare yourself to support your children through their time of recovery.  Straight talk to older children is important.  Telling the truth is better than holding back, unless there is some compelling reason to do so.

Disclosure to adult children may be less difficult.  One couple arranged a gathering of their whole family and a separate meeting of their closest friends.  There, they read letters they each had composed to explain their situation and their personal feelings.  After they read their letters, they offered to answer any questions.  Then they left, allowing space and time for their surprised loved ones to talk and begin to process their unexpected news.

If possible, face-to-face disclosure is best.  My husband and I traveled together to tell each member of our families—our son in California, Jim’s mother in Colorado, my mother and our other son and his wife in Oklahoma.  First, we told them that we were about to separate, and then we told them why.  If we hadn’t shared the whole truth, they never could have understood why our 30-plus-year marriage was ending.  Telling the truth freed us all to help each other reach acceptance. 

Truth binds.  Secrecy separates.  After keeping her gay husband’s secret for decades, one straight wife suffered greatly from her daughter’s simmering anger about the family’s long-held secret.  The adult daughter accepted her father’s homosexuality but harshly blamed her mother for not sharing the truth. 

In another case study, the gay father was afraid to admit his sexual orientation, so he lied to his son and said that he didn’t love his wife anymore and that was the reason for their separation.  When the truth came out a few weeks later, the son said, “Why didn’t you say you’re gay!  That is much easier to accept than the story you told me before.”  These examples suggest openness with children at the earliest opportunity, regardless of their age. 

Truth also frees.  One interviewee recounted a scene she’ll always carry in her memory.  The morning following our decision to let each other go was like this: although we realized what a heart- and life-wrenching decision we had made, we went for a bike ride with our son along the dirt roads of some property we had in the mountains.  My husband rode his bike like a kid who’d just learned to ride alone without training wheels.  He told me later he was feeling as if he’d just dropped a burden, a terrible burden he’d carried for years—not the burden of our marriage but the burden of hidden truth of who he was.  In a similar way, all the members of a mixed orientation family can feel liberated when their secret is out.

It would be nice to have sure-fire step-by-step instructions for telling the children about a gay parent.  Unfortunately, every family has to invent its own best method.  Keep in mind these principles to ease the way:  Tell as much of the truth as you can, as soon as you can, in language that is understandable and kind.  Give ample assurance that your love endures for your children, regardless of other changes in the family.  Give yourself the gift of liberating truth. 

What is your experience with telling your children?  Please share a comment on this interactive site.  Your hard-earned wisdom can help others now struggling with this family predicament. Click "Comments" below.

 

(Click the cover image of the book to learn more about When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual.)

Denying the Truth

 

            “It’s driving me crazy that my husband won’t own up to the truth that he’s gay!”

“I’m certain that my wife is lesbian, but she won’t admit it.” 

Comments like these are common on this site and reflect the straight spouse’s dilemma when a gay partner remains in denial of his or her true sexual orientation.  Resulting ambivalence traps everyone in greater uncertainty.  What is the next step?  How can they move forward toward an acceptable resolution?  They are both truly stuck.  Lacking clear answers, both partners often retreat back into the closet and face their individual pain in isolation.

            The purpose of this Web log is to provide a safe outlet for these isolated people to voice their questions and their answers--to communicate anonymously with each other to share personal experiences.  Visitors to the site discover that their mixed-orientation marriages are not unique.  It helps to know they are not alone.  While each family’s situation is slightly different, there are common experiences that can be shared and we learn from each other.

            Despite its effectiveness, there are limitations to this kind of virtual friendship.  It isn’t as personal or spontaneous as genuine face-to-face conversation.  That’s why finding a trusted confidant or counselor is so important, and why the peer support groups of the Straight Spouse Network work so well.  SSN groups meet regularly to listen and support each other through their various stages of recovery.  If there is an SSN chapter in your area, look into it!  You can find additional information and resources on the SSN Web site:  www.straightspouse.org

            The pioneer of the Straight Spouse Network, Amity Pierce Buxton, is now semi-retired from the organization she founded in 1986, but she still writes as an advocate for this cause.  She recently published an Op-Ed piece commenting on Outrage, a documentary condemning the hypocrisy of gay politicians who hide their sexual identity while vigorously supporting anti-gay measures.  (Amity’s article was reproduced online by The Avocate at www.theadvocate.com .  The direct link is http://t.pm0.net/s/c?r.cp14.13.8w8r.3lxf .)  Her main point is that the destructive traps created by gay-straight marriages would disappear if homosexual people were accepted by society.  If there were no need to hide one’s sexual orientation, secrecy would be unnecessary and the dark closets occupied by mixed-orientation couples would vanish.

            Until that broad social acceptance becomes a reality, I will offer resources for men and women still trapped in the closet, those suffering the pain of separation from a gay mate, and those recovering from the complex effects of their straight spouse experience.  As long as it’s clear there’s a felt need, this blog will remain online.  For further related information, books, and videos, also visit my Web site at http://www.carolgrever.com/html/books.php  .

Welcome to this safe place to share your story. 

Cultivating Fearlessness

    The beloved American Buddhist Nun, Pema Chodron, gave a teaching recently to address the "ubiquitous nervousness" that is globally pervasive.  There seems to be no escape from our constant hum of anxiety.  We fear that society as we've known it is disintegrating.  It requires a journey of bravery simply to cope, day to day.

    Straight spouses bear this cultural anxiety on top of their underlying personal blow of having their intimate partner come out.  In the beginning of that journey, fear is our constant companion.  It may be small consolation, but Pema points out that facing such a crisis may actually be preferable to the torture of the low, constant hum of uncertainty, of "not knowing."  When the family secret is out in the open, at least we can see our challenge clearly.

    During crisis, fear can lead to aggression, blame, resentment, even violence.  We would do anything to regain security, but in our panic choose words and actions that make matters worse.  But there's also good news here:  Moment by moment, we do have power to choose our next act.  Moment by moment we can choose wakefulness, sanity, non-aggression--words and actions that promote peace rather than more conflict.

    If a confrontation is imminent, STOP.  Be quiet.  Ask yourself, "What happens next?"  Listen to your own mind.  Be present and open to whatever is happening inside, then respond authentically.  Sometimes pausing in this way works toward a peaceful solution, sometimes not.  But whether an individual effort succeeds or fails, that kind of mindfulness is the path toward resolution.

    Fear is the vanguard of courage.  We learn fearlessness from experiencing and standing up to fear.  Pema used a wave metaphor to clarify the point.  You are standing in the surf when a huge wave breaks over your head and pulls you down and out toward the sea.  You have sand in your eyes and mouth and feel helpless and terrified in the undertow.  But the wave recedes and you can stand up and start to regain your balance.  Then another wave crashes over you, knocks you down again.  You manage to stand up again, and then there's another wave.  As this keeps happening, again and again, you learn that you can stand up over and over, and the waves become less frightening.  The waves may actually seem smaller.  By squarely facing fear, you've found your sustaining valor.

    As a recovering straight spouse, you probably thought you would drown in waves of betrayal, disappointment, rage, grief, and uncertainty.  But you're here.  You've made it this far.  What didn't kill you made you stronger, as Camus famously said.  So whether you're being pulled out in the undertow, or stggering back to your feet, or finding your balance on the shore, you're gaining courage with each wave and each recovery.  You're learning fearlessness by facing your fear. 

    This turning to meet a crisis, rather than running away from it, is a practice that leads to a shaky tenderness that can eventually grow into forgiveness, healing, and recovery.  Just knowing that's possible can bolster our courage today, no matter where we stand in the surf. 

Religious Teachings Create Conflict

    Is homosexuality a sin to be condemned? Is it a “choice”? Does “reparative therapy” work? According to many conservative religious groups, the answer to all these questions is “Yes.” For believers who are also straight spouses, these religious teachings create great conflict and yet another layer of suffering for both partners in a gay-straight marriage.

    My article about “The Haggards’ Dilemma” sparked an interesting exchange in the comment section that I wanted to share here. A woman who identified herself as a “fundamentalist Christian” spoke of her struggle to balance the judgmental position of her church with her own belief that God’s love extends to both gay and straight people. Her comment was answered by “Jens H.” in a very wise way. His reply is quoted in part here (in italics), with his permission.

~~~~~

    First of all, I’m sorry you are going through this struggle because I know it’s unfair and extremely difficult. But I commend you for having an open mind trying to find answers. I think finding truthful answers about homosexuality is especially hard for religious people because they often turn to their church for information as opposed to science. With the exception of Christian Scientists, if you were having a heart attack I wonder if you would seek medical expertise from a pastor or a cardiologist. I’m going to guess you’d seek emotional support from your pastor and heart know-how from a doctor. Why then do people seek expertise on homosexuality from the religious?

    If you seek information from the American Psychological Association, American Medical Association, and other viable non-biased research institutions on the subjects you mentioned, you’ll find the following answers to these questions:

1) Being molested as a child does not turn that child gay.

2) The vast majority of child sexual molestations are perpetrated by heterosexual men and not homosexual men.

3) The age of the sexual target (the child) is what is important to a pedophile not necessarily the sex of the child.

4) Gay people cannot convert anyone into being gay.

5) Homosexuality is not a mental illness.

However, many religious organizations such as Focus on the Family perpetuate the following [erroneous information]:

1) Gay people try to convert children and other people into being gay.

2) Gay men molest children.

3) Gay people are mentally ill.

    While there is not direct proof that people are born gay in the same way that straight people are born straight, the vast, vast majority of gay people feel they were born with a homosexual sexual orientation and it is not a choice issue. For the most part, it’s only religious people and those who do not like gay people who hold onto this choice concept.

    This then ties into your personal beliefs that gay sex is much like any other addiction or maladaptive behavior. However, gay sex is only considered maladaptive for religious people who believe it’s somehow spiritually wrong or others who are turned off by the idea. There are plenty of studies showing that same-sex couples can have equally loving and strong relationships as straight couples. So in a sense, it’s really about personal judgment as opposed to any fact about being maladaptive. . . .

    In terms of personal judgments based on religion – think of this. There are religious people who believe that ANY sex, including that in a monogamous and loving marriage, which is not solely for the purpose of procreation, is sinful. Once again, it’s seeing something through religious judging.

    If you haven’t read Carol’s books then I would highly recommend them because they are considered some of the best books on this topic. They are non-biased and full of accurate information. As you come across information on this topic always look for the source – is it coming from an organization with a religious prejudice or is it basing its information on sound science. You will see a large disparity. . . . The more truth [we] learn about this topic the better [we] will be able to cope with it and make appropriate decisions.                                                            Jens H.

~~~~~

    I’m very grateful to Jens for submitting these thoughtful comments on Straight Spouse Connection. His insights bring balance to some confusing, conflicting issues. Debate will continue, but if we approach these painful questions with inquiring minds and careful research, clarity will surely follow. If you would like more information about my books and documentary, please visit my Website at
http://www.carolgrever.com.

The Fight Inside Me

    These past few weeks were filled with emotional ups and downs in my family.  My former husband's mother was in and out of the hospital, then to the nursing home for end-of-life care under hospice supervision.  Relatives came and went, saying their good-byes.  Margaret tried to stay cheerful as her body weakened, and we all finally knew that any day could be her last.  She died on March 16, five days before her 94th birthday.

    Margaret's death brought many important realizations.  Driving to and from the nursing home, I was engulfed in memories of my life with my gay husband, with its mixture of happiness and conflict and the upheaval that ended that marriage.  Thrown together almost daily with my former husband was confusing.  There was a constant overlay of past and present.  I was the bridge between the family of my past and my happier present reality, smoothing the way for superficial but well-meaning conversations between two men who could not be more different.

    Even more difficult was balancing opposite philosophies and spiritual practices among family members.  Margaret's memorial service last week served as a magnifying glass to emphasize those differences:  Baptist vs. Buddhist.  Materialist vs. Idealist.  Narcissist vs. Selfless.  Past vs. Present.  My tension was palpable.

    Finally it was over.  Margaret was interred in Lubbock, next to her beloved husband of more than 50 years.  My ex-husband and sons went back to their own utterly dissimilar lives on opposite sides of the country, and I was left in blessed quiet to explore what it all means.

    By chance, I heard a Dharma talk titled "Spiritual Wealth," by David Chernikoff, leader of the Boulder Insight Meditation Community.  He recalled a Native American traditional story that I've been pondering since.  His tale of two wolves is a metaphor for the tension I've just described--and it points to an ancient, reliable solution.  I want to share this story with other straight spouses, with hope that it will guide them as well.

    A grandmother is teaching her little granddaughter.  She says, "Two wolves are fighting inside you.  One of the wolves is hateful, angry, aggressive, envious, resentful, guilty, and despairing.  The other wolf is compassionate, joyful, peaceful, loving, hopeful, serene, kind, generous, and forgiving.  These two wolves are always fighting inside you."

   The little girl thinks about this image of opposites for a moment, then asks, "Grandmother, which wolf wins?"

    The wise elder replies, "The one you feed."

    This simple story brought my own internal battle into sharp focus, renewing my personal determination to feed my peaceful wolf. I believe that we create our own lives through our choices: Love or hate, peace or war, resentment or forgiveness.  Ultimately our lives are shaped by countless accumulated choices and we gain mastery over our own thoughts.  In any given situation, we can feed one wolf or the other, and our choice will determine our outcome. 

The Haggards' Dilemma

    Disgraced evangelist Ted Haggard and his wife, Gayle, are making the rounds on major talk shows this week.  Oprah Winfrey and Larry King have both probed this family's most intimate history, and a documentary about the fallen pastor is forthcoming.

    It has been two years since "Pastor Ted's" homosexuality was revealed by the male prostitute who also provided the prominent minister with crystal meth.  That revelation destroyed the church leader's pristine reputation and ended his career as kingpin of an evangelical Christian empire in Colorado Springs.  His New Life Church reportedly had 14,000 members when the shocking story broke in November, 2006.

    The main difference between Ted Haggard's straight spouse and millions of others is that she's struggling with her personal decisions under the microscope of the mocking media.  When most gay mates come out, it creates a private, personal crisis.  When a famous person's secrets are revealed, it's a major news event that the whole world watches and judges.  In this particular case, the sensational outing nearly brought a whole religious organization down and affected the faith of numerous believers. 

    Gayle Haggard speaks of her disorienting experience in the same terms used by countless other straight spouses:  "The rug was pulled out from under me," and "I asked him, who are you?"  Repeatedly, she declares her enduring love for her husband, their five children, and the teachings of their religion as her motivation to stay with him.  For his part, Ted Haggard vows that he has revealed all his secrets to his wife and his counselor and that his homosexual urges are under control.  So far, this family has stayed together.

    Only about 15% of mixed orientation marriages remain intact three years after disclosure.  What are the chances that the Haggards will be among them?  My observation and research make me skeptical that Ted can keep his vow to repress his homosexuality and remain ever faithful to his wife.  Though he still won't identify as gay, he admits that he still "thinks of men, but without compulsion."  The odds are that he'll have additional homosexual encounters.  That could end this marriage.

    On the other hand, three powerful forces are at work here that might keep the Haggard family intact.  First, they adhere to a religious belief that homosexuality is a sin but that sin can be forgiven--"seventy times seven."  Gayle has forgiven much already and may be capable of continuing the pattern.  Second, the family has returned to Colorado Springs, where they have a huge, supportive network of friends and followers from Ted's former pastorate.  They could eventually urge him back into a ministry, relieving current economic pressure on the marriage as well.

    For any gay-straight couple who wish to remain married, the example of the Haggard family may offer some guidance.  Factors that help sustain a mixed-orientation marriage include

• Mutual love that abides even after the coming-out crisis
• Absolute honesty in open communication
• Common philosophical or religious foundation
• Sincere intention of the gay mate to be faithful to the marriage, OR mutually accepted open marriage or other alternative marital agreement
• Capability of repeated forgiveness
• Supportive friends and family
• Ongoing therapy or professional counseling for all involved
• Economic incentives (sometimes becoming "golden handcuffs")

    It's unusual for any gay-straight couple to stay married.  The vast majority separate quickly, often with acrimony.  For those who choose to maintain their marital bonds, it is never easy.  Regardless of one's attitute toward Ted Haggard and his whole public drama, his wife's loyal determination demands respect and the whole family's struggle elicits empathy.  Their outcome will be interesting.

"One Gay, One Straight" DVD Hot on YouTube

    After putting two years of my life and tons of resources into creating the straight spouse documentary, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages, it is a thrill to know that it's now available to a worldwide audience through YouTube. 

    Originally intended as an educational tool for straight spouses, their families, students, therapists, and professional counselors, the documentary has taken a life of its own.  Its human interest appeal extends to the general public as well.  The documentary shows straight spouses speaking in their own words of their private journeys, finding creative approaches to recover their balance after their gay mates come out.  Their authentic stories reveal diverse solutions and common threads to move from confusion to hope and eventual recovery. 

    You can watch a good sample of this fascinating documentary by clicking the link below.  (Once you're on YouTube, type in Carol Grever or One Gay, One Straight in the search box.)  While you are there on YouTube, please take a moment to give the video your star rating (just click on the star you choose).  It's immensely useful to gather audience feedback, so please scroll down and leave a comment.  Sign-in is free.  Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WqlYO7aa98 

    After you see the 8-minute sample, you may want to know more about the DVD and the books it supports.  Get the full story at my Web site, http://www.carolgrever.com , where a special discounted price for the full-length video is offered. 

    I would be delighted to hear your comments, on YouTube or right here on this site.  My mission is to spread the word as widely as possible that men and women whose mates come out are not facing their difficulties alone.  We're in this together! 

Stretching the Ties That Bind

    Imminent death tests complex connections.  My former mother-in-law is dying.  At 93, she has faded into a frail, 90-pound wisp of the formidable woman I first met.  She was in her prime then, and I was in high school, standing in awe of my boyfriend Jim's dominant parent.

    I learned significant lessons from Margaret.  Through three decades of marriage to her son, she and I had predictable differences and occasional rifts, but mutual respect was a given.  She taught me to make excellent guacamole and dozens of savory, thrifty casseroles.  I admired and emulated her domestic decor.  Frugal and pragmatic, she demonstrated essential skills for lean times.

    An unselfish gift was one example of her practicality, offering a glimpse into her values.  Jim and I became engaged while we were both in college.  In those pre-credit card days, he struggled even to pay tuition, making the purchase of a diamond ring impossible.  Margaret generously gave us her mother's diamond to put into a new setting, while she continued to wear her plain gold band.

    I wore that little quarter-caret solitaire with gratitude through the years my marriage to Jim lasted.  When he came out as gay and we divorced, it was a confusing time, torn by the pain of separation and the upheaval of a monumental life change.  It hurt even to look at that simple engagement ring.  What should I do with it?

    Eventually it became clear.  The diamond belonged to Jim's mother's mother.  It needed to stay in that family.  I returned the ring to Margaret and felt a weight lifted from my spirit.  Her gratitude matched my feelings years before when she "loaned" it to me.  She again had the stone reset to wear on a chain around her neck.  She never took it off afterward.

    This story of the little diamond is a parable to illustrate enduring family bonds that remain after forgiveness is possible.  When Your Spouse Comes Out, my second book about straight spouse recovery, gives another example.  "Carlotta" is one interviewee who worked especially hard to maintain civility and cohesiveness through her divorce from her gay husband, "David."  She uses visualization to move toward new goals, while still supporting their family's connection.  One image she holds is her dining room during a Thanksgiving dinner.  "Ten years from now, I see the kids and David and me together at the table--all still friends, all happy with new partners." (p. 87)

    Just this past year, my own stretched and extended family achieved Carlotta's dream.  Last September, Jim and his partner (now his husband) celebrated his birthday here in my home, with my amazingly tolerant husband, Jim's mother and sister, and a former gay partner all present.  That scene around our table will be repeated this week on Christmas Eve, with one special person sadly missing.  Margaret is too ill to join us at lunch, but the strength of her presence will still be felt at that table.  The ties that bind have stretched to lengths none of us could have imagined.  Longer and thinner, they are still intact.

    Do you have a story of enduring family connection?  Share it in a comment!

Wedding Accomplished Just In Time

    Six rows of white folding chairs changed my former husband's Palm Springs living room into a wedding chapel.  With soft organ music and joyous greetings, fifty guests filled the seats as the ceremony was about to begin.  Beethoven's "Hymn to Joy" set the mood as a minister in white vestments led the couple to the front of the room. 

    Jim and his partner were sealing their commitment with a lawful marriage ceremony.  With close friends and several family members present, they shared traditional vows "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer,for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part."  Each repeated the familiar promises with sincerity and emotion, exchanging gold wedding rings to symbolize their vows.

    This same-sex wedding was as traditional as any ordinary marriage ceremony I'd attended before,  but it was singularly moving and significant to me.  To my husband Dale and me and to my grown sons, it represented our complete acceptance of Jim as a gay man.  Our presence as witnesses to his marriage demonstrated that recognition.  We're still a family, though an unusually extended one--stretched in ways we never thought possible.

    Truthfully, I had gone to California with trepidation.  I didn't know exactly how it would affect me to watch Jim marry another man.  I didn't know how my own husband would feel, though I was deeply grateful for his support during this emotionally charged life event.  I had also worried about my older son, a religious conservative who surely must experience huge inner conflict between his church's teachings and our family ties.  Historic tension between my two sons was also a concern.  How would they respond to unaccustomed closeness during three energy-draining days?

    I needn't have worried.  Thankfully, those busy days passed without any unpleasantness.  Everyone tried hard to make each person comfortable.  The two families mixed freely, getting acquainted, sharing meals, overlooking differences in lifestyle and background.  In fact, it was fun!  This wedding was a benchmark.  I believe that we all reached a new plane of understanding and openness.  "It is what it is," Dale often says, implying simple, effortless acceptance.

    Jim's October 30th wedding was a memorable experience for everyone attending.  I'm thrilled that, like me, he is committed to his life-partner in a sanctified marriage.  They are among the lucky ones.  The rules have changed again.  On November 4 California voters passed Proposition 8 to ban same-sex marriages and override the recent court decision legalizing them.  The new constitutional amendment limits marriage to heterosexual couples.  Enormous amounts of money were poured into this regressive action, the first time such a measure has passed in a state where gay unions had been legal.

    Jim and his partner made it under the wire, celebrating their marriage just five days before it would have been impossible.  Like 18,000 other gay couples married since the California Supreme Court legalized it last May, their marriage will remain valid, according to state Attorney General Jerry Brown.  This battle between conflicting laws dramatically demonstrates that civil rights can never be taken for granted, even in our republic.

    For a fuller discussion of the rationale supporting gay marriage, see my October 20 blog, "Gay Marriage Now Personal."

Gay Marriage Now Personal

    My husband and I are attending a wedding October 30.  That wouldn't be especially unusual, except that the event holds particular significance in my own journey as a straight spouse.  This ceremony will join in matrimony my former husband and his male partner, and I couldn't be happier for them both.  I have moved on in my life, happily remarried.  My ex- will now be so blessed.  This joyous occasion represents a new chapter for us all.

    Until now, the controversy swirling around gay marriage has seemed somewhat academic, though I recognized that real human needs motivated the movement.  The Straight Spouse Network and PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) have long advocated same-sex marriage.  They note that the freedom to marry a partner of the same gender helps to avoid the heartbreak of mixed-orientation marriages.

    There's a big difference between co-habitation and marriage, and every committed couple who desires it should have the legal benefits and comfort of formal wedlock.  It's a civil right.  Now that it affects the father of my children, this issue has assumed personal impact.

    What does legal marriage mean in a couple's daily life?  In my opinion, the greatest personal and social benefit is that wedlock assumes fidelity.  It obviously discourages promiscuous sex, hence diminishing the spread of STDs and AIDS. 

    But that obvious argument is only the beginning.  A 1997 report to the Office of the General Counsel of the U.S. General Accounting Office listed 1,138 benefits of same-sex marriage, including rights taken for granted by traditional couples.  They involve medical, property, insurance, tax, and family protections and include

• Joint parenting, child custody, joint adoption and foster care rights
• Property rights; housing
• Tax breaks for married couples
• Shared insurance benefits and Social Security survivor benefits
• Veterans' benefits and military service family benefits
• Medical decisions on behalf of the partner and hospital visitation
• Sick leave to care for the partner; bereavement leave
• Automatic inheritance and assumption of spouse's pension
• Domestic violence and divorce protections 

    In Colorado, where I live, the passage of an amendment to our state constitution caused an uproar.  "Amendment 2" prohibited specific legal protections for gay and lesbian people, including equality in employment, housing, and other commonly assumed rights.  The constitutional change passed by the narrowest margin and was immediately challenged by a coalition of outraged citizens.  The trial court and the Colorado Supreme Court ruled against it, agreeing that Amendment 2 infringed on homosexuals' participation in the political process and violated the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

    Finally, in 1996, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled on the issue in Romer v. Evans.  In a 6 to 3 vote, the court struck the Colorado Amendment down before it was ever implemented.  Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the majority opinion:

Amendment 2 classifies homosexuals not to further a proper legislative end but to make them unequal to everyone else.  This Colorado cannot do.  A State cannot so deem a class of persons a stranger to its laws.  Amendment 2 violates the Equal Protection Clause.

    While same-sex marriage was not specifically named in this amendment, matrimony is a civil right in our country analogous to those specified.  Justice Kennedy summarized the Supreme Court's decision to that effect:

We cannot accept the view that Amendment 2's prohibition on specific legal protections does no more than deprive homosexuals of special rights.  To the contrary, the amendment imposes a special disability on those persons alone.  Homosexuals are forbidden the safeguards that others enjoy or may seek without constraint.

    To those who wonder how straight spouses like me can open so fully to gay marriage, I offer a quote from the philosopher Victor Frankl.  We who lived in the concentration camps can remember those who walked through the huts, comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread, giving proof that everything can be taken from us, but one thing, the last of human freedoms: to choose our attitude, our spirit, in any given set of circumstances. 

    When I congratulate my former husband and his spouse on their marriage, I will do so with genuine good wishes for their future happiness.  It's another symbol of the "letting go" that allows complete healing from wounds of the past.

    How do you feel about this issue?  Please comment on your opinions!