Straight Spouse Connection

TILL DEATH DO US PART

 

When a gay spouse comes out, the typical result is an angry, risky split that is quick and traumatic.  The common estimate is that 85% of mixed-orientation couples separate in this way after disclosure.  (See “Letting Yourself Fall Apart” on this site for one example.) But circumstances may dictate a different decision for others.  The following guest post shows one woman’s compelling reason to stay married to her gay husband and demonstrates that solutions are never simple.  

I don’t know what I was thinking.

No, that’s a lie. I do know. I was thinking that I was unlovable, and that no one else would ever want to marry me. So I married my college boyfriend.

But you know, thinking back on it now, I’m not sure he ever actually proposed. It was just an unspoken thing. He would graduate from law school, and we would get married. That’s how these things worked.

He wasn’t particularly handsome. And the sex wasn’t particularly interesting. But we were best friends and never fought, and that sounded like a good basis for a marriage. I knew what I was thinking, but I didn’t know what he was thinking. 

A couple years into the marriage, I started to understand. A good friend from college called to talk to my husband. I was in the room, and heard the conversation from my husband’s end. Our friend was career Air Force, with a high security clearance. He was going to be taking a polygraph, and was going to be asked about a sexual relationship he had in college. A relationship with another man in the 1970s was rarely talked about, and for a military man in the Reagan years, it was likely career-ending. My husband told him to tell the truth, and that was the end of the conversation.

A few months later, the conversation with our friend came up. I said something about having always assumed he was gay, and that it must be hard to deal with in the Air Force. And then I listened to my husband backpedal in a spectacular way. No, our friend wasn’t gay at all. The conversation had been about his having known someone in his dorm who was gay. The Air Force was concerned that he was a security risk because he had lived in the same building as a gay student. Really? That’s not the conversation I heard.

You know that phrase, “out of the blue”? That’s how it was. One moment I knew everything that was true, and not true, and real, and the next, out of the blue, I knew our friend had called to tell my husband that he was going to be named during the polygraph test. Things that I had chosen to overlook suddenly made sense. My husband was gay, and I was stupid, or naïve, or some other name I chose to call myself.

I did the only logical thing. I never said a word about it. We were best friends, and loved to spend time together. I overlooked unexplained behavior and spending. He worked hard and supported me when my business was slow. We loved each other in our way, and I decided that would be good enough. No one else would ever love me, and what we had was working, so why would I leave?

But of course it wasn’t working. It just looked that way from the outside. And after a weekend trip with a friend, I decided to ask for a divorce. Before I could say anything, my husband was diagnosed with stage four esophageal cancer. I was told that he would die within three or four months. As much as I wanted to run away, get out of the marriage, not have to deal with cancer, I couldn’t. He was my husband, and we loved each other the best way we could, and you don’t walk out when someone is dying of cancer.

So I never mentioned divorce. I stayed and cared for him night and day for four months. He rarely slept, which meant I rarely slept. He couldn’t swallow, and hated the smell of food, so I would often go days without eating. His body wasted away to nothing, and his bodily functions didn’t always function as expected. I took it all in stride, and just handled it. That’s what you do when your husband is dying. You forgive the past and do your best in the present. It’s the best way to have a future without regrets.

He passed away at the age of forty-three, two weeks after our eighteenth anniversary. His lover came to the funeral, and the look on his face broke my heart. We were three good people who hadn’t been able to live the lives we should have had, because of the way we saw ourselves, and what society expected of us. But I know that all three of us loved the best way we knew how, and that counts for a lot.                                                                                                                       by Karen Jackson

                                                        

Karen’s story demonstrates the pain of many straight spouses, whether they choose to stay in their relationship or separate.  Low self-esteem is evident in her self-talk:  I’m unlovable, No one else will want me. I was stupid, or naïve.  She settled for marriage based on friendship and called it good enough.  She overlooked unexplained behavior and unusual spending, and her outer life became a façade, an unspoken lie. All these patterns are common in mixed-orientation relationships.

Karen’s husband’s cancer diagnosis changed her mind about separation and she showed selfless understanding and compassion.  The key was this recognition: We loved each other the best we could.  Karen demonstrated her own basic goodness and willingness to look clearly at reality as she unflinchingly cared for her husband until he died.  You forgive the past and do your best in the present.  It’s the best way to have a future without regrets. 

Every gay-straight relationship has its unique challenges, though most are less dramatic than Karen’s.  But her account is a lesson in mature judgment and the ability to stay present in the moment, even under duress.  Her history of grief is a poignant illustration of the vow “till death do us part."

 

TIPS TO "UNTANGLE"

    When the initial confusion settles after a gay married person comes out, the straight partner has a life-changing decision to make: Divorce or remain in the marriage.  Many factors determine the answer to that question—longevity of the partnership, children, finances, emotional attachment among them.  It is seldom an automatic decision.

    Because mixed-orientation relationships are shadowed in secrecy, it is impossible to say with certainty how many stay together after one partner comes out.  The common estimate is that 85% of gay-straight couples split and 15% stay together, at least for a time.  According to one study by Amity Pierce Buxton with the Straight Spouse Network, one-third of couples separate immediately after the gay spouse comes out, another third attempt to remain together but break up later, and another third remain committed to the marriage.  However, after three years, only half of these couples are still together.

    Clearly, the large majority of straight spouses decide to divorce.  Separating is never easy, but it is particularly challenging if the marriage is long-standing.  Divorce is complicated in itself, but the myriad personal details surrounding the process make it nearly overwhelming. 

    A new workbook can help.  Mandy Walker writes about these matters on her blog, Since My Divorce, www.sincemydivorce.com  Her free self-help workbook, Visioning Your Life After Divorce, is offered on that site.  Mandy has also just published an e-book, available for Kindle on Amazon.com. Untangling From Your Spouse: How to Prepare for Divorce offers practical information on the logistics of ending a marriage.  It is forthright and clear, a listing of steps necessary for self-protection legally, personally, and financially. For example, the book gives practical advice regarding changing passwords and mail arrangements, insurance matters, credit card protection, and living arrangements.  The resource list at the end suggests additional helpful online sites.

    Mandy is motivated by integrity, not revenge.  Her straightforward e-book and workbook can be valuable for straight spouses who decide to launch a new life on their own. 

LETTING YOURSELF FALL APART

GUEST POST by Jacqueline Vaughn

    I sat in a workshop called “Crisis Intervention” looking down at a piece of paper. The facilitator had told us to write down a list of our daily activities, and I had scribbled down only the basics. “Get the kids ready for school,” I’d written. “Cook dinner.” Besides those, my schedule was empty. “I need to get a life,” I thought to myself.

    My husband had come out of the closet about a month and a half before. I was being treated in an outpatient program for major depression after having spent a week in a psychiatric hospital. I’d lost an important contract (I’m self-employed), which left me with nowhere to turn financially. I felt as though I hadn’t slept in months, and I was taking so many antidepressants that my hands were shaking.

    I had officially, utterly fallen apart.

    I wrote the following in my journal while I was staying in the hospital: “I can’t work because I don’t care. I can’t sleep because…I just can’t. I feed and clothe my children, but I don’t interact with them like I should. I’m so frustrated by feeling totally incapacitated because that’s so not who I thought I was.”

    When my husband came out, I didn’t feel shock. I didn’t feel compassion. I felt anger. Actually, I felt more than angry. I was livid. I cursed at him, called him names and told him to get out of the house. He moved into the living room for about a week before staying at a friend’s house for a while. Our exchanges alternated between tolerant, teary and testy.

    My husband isn’t a cruel man. However, after years of hiding a crucial part of himself from me, he switched from silence to brutal honesty. He told me that he’d never been in love with me. He told me that sex was an effort. He said he’d been kind and considerate in our relationship because that’s what he’d thought love was. Out of morbid curiosity, I kept asking him questions about our marriage, inviting him to strike blow after blow.

    My past wasn’t what I thought it was, and my future as I’d planned it was over. We’d never go to Wimbledon after our sons graduated from high school, and we’d never throw ourselves an amazing 20th-anniversary party. We’d never retire in New York City to enjoy city amenities and public transportation. The marriage I’d thought would last forever and the family that I’d worked so hard to create had vanished. “I’ve never faced this kind of loss and pain and grief and agony,” I wrote. “I never thought he would hurt me, much less rip my heart out.”

    I started to drink a lot of alcohol when I was home alone, sometimes washing down my nightly sleeping pill with a swallow of beer. At my lowest, I decided that I would take all of my remaining sleeping pills and put my misery to an end. I wrote my husband a note—a cruel, nasty note—and wondered where I’d take my three-year-old son so that my preschooler wouldn’t be home when everything ended. Then, I picked up the phone and called my therapist. She told me to have someone drive me to the emergency room, but I didn’t want to tell anyone what was happening. So I drove myself. I did it for my kids. I didn’t want them to think that me killing myself was their fault or that I didn’t love them enough to stay.

    I knew they’d never let me out of the hospital unless I had a visitor, so I called a friend and told her what had happened. She came to see me, for which I was grateful. Since I’d passed the test, they stepped me down to an outpatient program. However, I still had more talking to do.

    For the first two weeks of the program, I didn’t talk about my situation. I would sit in group therapy sessions and comment on everyone else’s situation, but I wouldn’t say a thing about my own. One day, my case manager was leading a women’s group, and someone made a statement about a past regret. I spoke up. “You were so young,” I said. “You couldn’t possibly know how things would turn out.”

    My case manager looked directly at me. “How does this affect you, Jackie?”

    So I talked. I told the women about my situation. I managed not to completely break down. As I spoke, I realized that I couldn’t blame myself for falling apart. I’d experienced not only the loss of my marriage and my family. I’d also lost the man who’d been my best friend for 15 years.

    That day in the women’s group helped me begin to heal. Before, when well-meaning people told me that time would help, I gleefully imagined myself punching them. As the days passed, I discovered that they were right. Taking my time, talking about my experiences and leaning on others was getting me through this catastrophe. As I progressed, I learned to ask for help instead of waiting for friends and family to read my mind. Truthfully, people wanted to help me. They just didn’t know what to say or do.

    Something else I learned was to limit my activities to what would give me either a feeling of pleasure or a sense of mastery. I cleaned and organized my house, which gave me a tremendous sense of accomplishment. I changed the burned-out headlight in my car. I gradually started working again. I booked myself a massage.

    I’m only a few months into my journey, but I focus less on the past and more on the new type of family that I hope to create. My relationship with my husband has grown more civil. I adopted a cat from a local shelter so that I could focus on something besides my own difficulties. When I need a break, I take one. I plan many activities with friends either to talk or to distract myself from the issues. I still cry a lot, but I don’t feel like I’m sinking into a black hole.

    When my husband came out, I completely fell apart. But as I persevere, thanks to family and friends and thanks to a resilience I didn’t know I had, I’m finding the strength to put myself back together again.

~ ~ ~

Note:  I recently invited readers to submit guest posts for this site.  This article was the most outstanding, helpful response. If you would like to write a post about your own straight spouse experience, contact me for guidelines.     --Carol Grever

 

 

 

 

 

SHARE YOUR WISDOM IN A GUEST POST

Since May, 2008, I have written articles on many aspects of the straight spouse experience.  I’ve responded to hundreds of online comments and private emails generated by this blog.  Occasionally, with permission from correspondents, I’ve embedded their powerful messages in longer articles. 

Now I would like to invite readers to submit guest posts for this site, sharing more directly their own stories and lessons learned from their mixed-orientation relationships.  This hard-won wisdom can be more than helpful—it can change lives.

If you are a straight spouse with a topic you’d like to write about, or if you want to share your personal story in a supportive way, submit a proposal to me before sending the post.  Click on the highlighted link to open an email for your proposal. 

Your topic or story should relate directly to some aspect of your own straight spouse experience, e.g. coping mechanisms, telling the children, other parenting concerns, self-care during crisis, decision to stay or separate, legal or financial aspects of either, secrecy issues, counseling experiences, long-term healing, etc. Gay-straight relationships are multi-faceted and complicated and we learn from each other.  Your own experience will suggest subjects to address in a post.

Once you’ve sent your proposal, if your topic or story seems appropriate for this site, I’ll send more detailed guidelines about desired format and content.  When your post is completed, you can publish it under your own name or a pseudonym.  Your privacy will be protected at all times. 

 Though there are dozens of articles already available here on the Straight Spouse Connection, they only scratch the surface of possible topics of interest to men and women whose mates unexpectedly came out as gay.  You can add to the useful information here and I’m eager to provide a forum for original articles and the comments they’ll generate. 

Send a proposal today.  Thank you for visiting this site and for your interest in helping other straight spouses heal their hurts and create a more satisfying future.

                                                          With great respect,

                                                          Carol

ELECTION BOOSTS MARRIAGE EQUALITY

    Support for legally recognized same-sex marriage in the U.S. got a big boost in the November 6^th national election. Voters in Maine, Maryland, and Washington exercised citizen power to legalize gay marriage in their states. With these three, there are now nine states with marriage equality, including Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, and New York, plus the District of Columbia. Passage of these ballot referenda shows strengthening grass-roots support for legalized gay marriage, in contrast to the past 20 years. Previously, 32 states put gay marriage to a vote and it was defeated every single time.

    Minnesota showed another sign of positive change in this election. It is the first state in which voters rejected a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, though such unions are still illegal there. Previously, 30 other states have gone the other way and have constitutionalized bans—a more challenging obstacle to equality. 

    As pointed out in my previous post, the shift of public opinion demonstrated in this election is just one more baby-step toward greater recognition and social acceptance of same-sex marriage and sexual diversity generally.  Furthermore, gay-bashing in political ads proved to be a failure. The momentum toward tolerance shown in election results implies increasing acceptance of diverse sexual identities.  U.S News and World Report online (Nov. 8, 2012) asserted that “Half of Americans believe their states should recognize marriages of same-sex couples.”  The weight of public opinion may even encourage the Supreme Court to examine and rule on the constitutionality of the U.S. federal ban on gay marriage, DOMA—the Defense of Marriage Act. 

    While social change is excruciatingly slow, it is encouraging that more people can now openly, legally marry the person they love, whether opposite sex or same sex.  As straight spouses, why should we care?  Just this: These changing attitudes suggest that in the future there may be fewer married heterosexuals blindsided by the discovery that their spouses are secretly gay.

    Though trends in this election may not directly help those straight spouses struggling through their crises today, the next generation should see fewer doomed mixed-orientation marriages based on deception and lies. May it be so!

 

 

 

 

 

LEGALIZE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE? A STRAIGHT SPOUSE PERSPECTIVE

    I received an email this week from a woman whose story gave me chills.  It was a close parallel of my own experience in discovering my husband’s homosexuality:  Thirty years of marriage, grown children, a secret bank account to assure his separate financial ease, withdrawal from sex and affection, mysterious absences, and on and on.  It was like reading again the first chapter of My Husband Is Gay!  And it was an emotional reminder that the straight spouse saga continues for millions of people even now. 

     Why does this keep happening?  One obvious reason is remaining societal pressure to hide homosexual orientation—to pretend to be straight and to carry that pretense into marriage with an unsuspecting partner.  Until gays no longer fear “being found out,” until their careers are no longer threatened, until their families  and churches accept them for who they really are, mixed-orientation relationships will continue to be consummated—usually headed toward heartbreak and dissolution.  I have heard it countless times from married gays:  “I played the role as long as I could, as long as I could stand to live that lie.”  When that breaking point is reached, the marriage contract is breached, and everyone involved suffers.

    If same-sex marriage were legalized and socially accepted, there would be no need for anyone to hide his or her sexual orientation and a possible end to the straight spouse calamity.  That’s why the Straight Spouse Network and other peer support organizations urge legalization.  In the upcoming U.S. election, this debate has utterly polarized the population.  Half a dozen states and the District of Columbia have already legalized gay marriage, giving a hint of hope for broader acceptance and change.  The fact that the issue is in the national conversation at all is a sign of progress.

    Presidential candidates are on opposite poles here.  Barack Obama supports legal recognition of same-sex marriage, as decided by states.  Mitt Romney says it should be banned completely with an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.  In Maine, Maryland, and the state of Washington, voters will decide whether to legalize gay marriage. Residents of four additional states will vote this November on related questions.  But strong resistance is still apparent:  Minnesota voters will decide whether to ban gay marriage in their state constitution, as 30 other states have already done.

    Growing acknowledgement that our sexual orientation is not a “choice,” that it is inborn and irreversible, is a positive sign.  But the ultimate goal of tolerance and acceptance of all sexual identities is yet unattained; witness the persistent advocacy of psychologically damaging “reparative” or “gay conversion therapy.”  Overwhelming societal prejudice continues to push gay people to marry heterosexual partners out of fear and shame. 

    I believe that few gay people enter marriage with the cynical intention of hurting their mates.  In fact, I think that the opposite is true.  They may marry for love with a misguided wish to change their orientation; they may want children of their own; they may be supporting an ambitious career; they may have conservative religious prescriptions or strong family pressures.  These and other factors affect a gay person’s decision to marry a straight mate.  However, for all but a small fraction of couples, none of these reasons will sustain the marriage over a lifetime.  Sooner or later, cracks appear in the previously impervious intentions.  The marriage fails.

    One phrase from last week’s email stays with me:  “I feel like he died, the man that I thought I married.”  This is the poignant result of decades of lies.  While every straight spouse message I receive is different in details, all are the same in one respect.  These mixed relationships are built upon a basic untruth, a denial of one partner’s sexual reality.  When that denial crumbles, the world falls apart for the straight spouse. My response to that distraught woman was familiar:  “This is not your fault and you are not responsible for what he has done.  You are also not alone!  We are like millions of others whose trust has been broken by a gay mate.” 

    Though it’s hard to find a bright spot in the midst of such crisis, experience proves that survival and a happier future are possible.  Society is slowly progressing toward more enlightened acceptance and straight spouses do have increased resources for recovery through the Internet and a widening range of therapeutic tools.  Even in the darkness of despair, one can still see the stars.

 

ENCOURAGEMENT MY MISSION

“I was numb and reeling upon my discovery that my husband of 30 years is gay.  I have three children with him . . .”

“My wife is in love with another woman . . .”

“I ‘outed’ my husband last month, after I discovered a string of emails he had written in response to several gay personal ads. . .”

Every week there are emails like this in my inbox, yesterday one from a woman in South Africa.  Responding to each one, I understand that I’ve been on a mission for more than a decade, ever since my first book was published, to deliver a simple message:  You are not alone and you can overcome this seeming disaster.  Because the Internet provides opportunity to connect worldwide in personal ways, this work remains viable.

My own husband acknowledged that he had “homosexual tendencies” after we had been married for many years.  As his story unfolded, I learned that he had acted on those “tendencies” during most of our marriage.  He left no clues and I suspected nothing, though I had been at risk from his behavior for decades.  I spent months feeling somehow responsible for my husband’s homosexuality.  I felt deficient as a wife, as a woman, and my self-esteem plummeted.  Moreover, I felt really stupid, not to have “gotten it” sooner.  Hoping to salvage our marriage, I shared his closet of secrecy for much too long. 

If I had known then what I know now, I would have realized that he had always been homosexual and that his sexual orientation had nothing to do with me at all.  I wasn’t blind or stupid; I was deceived by his facile lies and hidden truth.  If I had been more knowledgeable at the time, I wouldn’t have blamed myself, nor would I have tried to save my marriage.  Instead, I would have put all that energy into building a new identity and future. 

It was this personal history that launched my writing and informal counseling vocation.  As I struggled through my own confusion, anger, depression, grief, and all the other stages of coping, I kept a journal of my feelings and experiences.  The journal informed my first book, My Husband Is Gay.  The singular purpose of all my books, documentary DVD, Website and blog is to help straight spouses reconfigure their lives in a positive, healthy way and to realize that this one life event need not destroy their future happiness.      

Looking back, I honestly have no regrets.  The entire experience supplied the healing lessons in my books and gave these subsequent years constructive direction and purpose.  My former husband and I are both happier now, both remarried to wonderful men, and both free to be completely authentic.  If my life had not taken this unexpected turn, I would probably not have pursued my life-long dream of being a writer. 

If I have one message to shout to the world, it is this.  Living a lie is hell.  Hiding one’s true identity is a recipe for disaster for all involved, and the longer it takes for the truth to come out, the worse the outcome. 

Sam, a gay man who appears in my documentary, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages, stressed the imperative for honesty.  He had told his wife that he didn’t love her anymore because he couldn’t make himself say, “I’m gay.”  This lie was more devastating to her than the facts.  When he finally came out to his wife and their son, the fifteen-year-old replied, "It's OK, Dad, I still love you."  Sam concluded that to be open and honest is better for everyone.  I agree. 

Every straight spouse feels unique, but there are millions of us in the world.  Fortunately, there is help at hand on the Internet and in well-researched books and videos.  Though it may feel as if you’re the only person who has ever suffered in this way, remember that others have survived the crisis to eventually thrive in unexpected ways.  My mission to help straight spouses reclaim their self-esteem continues.

 

NEW PUBLICATIONS BOOST UNDERSTANDING

    Since starting this blog in 2008, I’ve received many notes of gratitude from straight spouses who had previously felt isolated, lacking connection with others who understood their predicament.  Until recently, little serious literature was available for mixed-orientation couples.  Now two new resources offer credible research and insight into the particular challenges of these families.

    Routledge, an imprint of Taylor & Francis, has published both a long-awaited book on the subject and a special issue of their Journal of GLBT Family Studies (Vol. 8, Issue 1, 2012).  Both are excellent resources for mixed-orientation couples and their families.  I was privileged to contribute the sections on straight spouse issues in both of these new publications.

    The Handbook of LGBT-Affirmative Couple and Family Therapy is the first book of its kind, aimed primarily at professional counselors and therapists who work with this population.  It emphasizes best practices and lists useful references to suggest further reading on related subjects.  My contribution to the book, Chapter 17, reviews clinical issues, stages of recovery, counseling options, and characteristics of effective therapy specifically for straight spouses. 

    The publisher notes, “Because of the breadth of the book, its specificity, and the expertise of the contributing authors and editors, it is the definitive handbook on LGBT couple and family therapy.” To learn more about this groundbreaking book, go to:  http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/wgfs20 

    The special issue of the journal is called Mixed-Orientation Marriages: Challenges of Individual Spouses and GLB-Straight Couples in Diverse Contexts.  My article is “Unintended Consequences: Unique Issues of Female Straight Spouses.”  It is specific to these women who are often marginalized and misunderstood—the “collateral damage” when a gay husband comes out.  The article can be found at http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/wgfs20

    Both of my contributions to these new resources are based on direct interviews and correspondence with hundreds of straight spouses over a 15-year period. They explore common elements of their experience, including immediate personal challenges, recurring risks, and long-term obstacles.  They are meant to provide deeper understanding of the unique challenges of straight spouses.     

    It is important to note that one particular advocate is largely responsible for pushing these two significant scholarly projects to completion.  Dr. Jerry J. Bigner initiated serious studies of gay-straight issues in his role as a professor at Colorado State University and he continued exceptional leadership in LGBT scholarship even after his retirement from teaching.  He edited both the Journal of GLBT Family Studies and the Handbook of LGBT-Affirmative Couple and Family Therapy.  Through his whole career, he mentored writers on these subjects, myself included. 

    Jerry’s sudden untimely death was the only thing that could stop his passion for teaching about the realities of families with gay members.  The handbook for counselors was his last project and he died during the final revisions of the manuscript.  The finished book is dedicated to him.  The dedication ends, “This book is one more addition to his legacy.  May it serve as one of many tributes to his life and all he stood for.  Heaven is where all humans are equally accepted and valued.” Jerry was my good friend, sorely missed, but his work will continue to spread hope among people he understood so well. 

Here's to good reading!

Carol

 

 

CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?

Most of the straight spouses who visit this site are women whose husbands have become involved with another man.  Their challenges have become somewhat familiar.  But a new question is raised in this recent letter. 

My wife of 20 years recently had an affair with another woman and after separating for a couple of months has returned at my urging to seek couples therapy.  I’ve been reading a lot about sexual fluidity in women and that their preferences can switch back and forth, yet it’s very difficult to find any stories where that has actually happened.  I know right now that my wife has no feelings of intimacy towards me. She says she does not know if she’s gay or straight, but right now if I had to label her I would say she is gay.  However we get along very well, communicate openly and do love each other.  We both hope that at some point her sexual preferences may evolve so that we can be intimate again.  It’s hard to find stories about women who were gay, had no interest in men, and then became interested and lived happily married straight lives.  I have found a few, but it occurs to me that if this happened to you, you certainly wouldn’t want to advertise it.  I’m guessing that most women in my wife’s position would stay in the closet if her feelings evolved and she became sexually attracted to men again.  My question for you is do you believe in sexual fluidity in women and how often do you see cases where a gay wife of a straight man has here sexual preferences evolve to where she can again have intimate relations with her husband?  I need to know if we are both just grasping at straws or there is a possibility that her sexual preferences can change again.

A foundational assumption in most research on human sexuality is that sexual orientation is inborn and fixed--stable from birth to death.  Some recent studies have begun to raise questions about changing patterns of same-sex and other-sex behavior, particularly among women. 

Switching sexual identification is disproportionately prevalent in women, according to Lisa M. Diamond, author of Sexual Fluidity (Harvard University Press, 2008).  Same-sex or other-sex attraction may be context-dependent--fluid rather than fixed, as these women move through different stages of life and changing social groups.  A case in point is actress Anne Heche, who partnered with lesbian comedian Ellen De Generes, having had no previous same-sex relationship.  That relationship ended after two years and Anne then married a man.  Another well known example is feminist folk singer, Holly Near, who fell in love with a man after decades as an open lesbian.  Current slang also reflects changing patterns of same-sex and other-sex behavior:  LUG (lesbian until graduation), has-bian and heteroflexibility.

Variation in women’s erotic feelings is, as yet, poorly understood.  According to Diamond, previous studies that concluded that sexual orientation is absolutely fixed examined male experience which may also be culturally specific.  In her book, first person accounts tracking 100 women from adolescence into adulthood offer a different possibility.  Sexual fluidity is succinctly defined in the title of Chapter 6: “Attractions to “The Person, Not the Gender.”  Though no firm conclusions can be reached from a relatively small sample, Diamond raises provocative questions. 

My correspondent on this issue asked for guidance on the dilemma he and his wife face.  Basically, his question is whether lasting reconciliation is possible.  Perhaps you have experience that could be useful.  Please post a comment if you have relevant insights.

ENDINGS AS BEGINNINGS

A few weeks ago, I took a hard fall on the ice, damaging my left shoulder.  The injury was worse than I first imagined and I have had to take an extended leave from a job I dearly love, teaching fitness to seniors at the YMCA.  I’ve led challenging fitness classes there for nearly 13 years, and now I’m unable to perform, much less teach, weight lifting, yoga, and other stretching and strength training exercises.  To say that I “can’t” is hard for me.  It’s a loss, at least for now. 

But this example is minor, compared with life’s really big endings—loss of a loved one, divorce, financial ruin, termination of a job, foreclosure on a home, alienation of a child, eventually one’s own death.  The loss that you faced when your spouse came out is certainly one of these major, destabilizing changes.  However, the ensuing chaos can be the beginning of an even better way of life.

When my father died in 1991 after years of fighting leukemia, the whole family expected my mother to fold.  For more than 50 years she and my dad had enjoyed real marital bliss—they were closer and more loving than any couple I’ve ever known.  We thought mother could not survive alone.  To eveyone’s surprise, she did.  In fact, she recovered her balance and started over.  Apparently, during the years she’d nursed my dad, she was preparing herself for survival.  She made a plan.  Within weeks after the funeral, she began to explore opportunities in their little town that had gone unnoticed before.  She read voraciously—a hundred books in the following year.  She attended library lectures and joined two card groups, volunteered, and made day trips with new friends she met at the senior center.  In short, she reconfigured her life to be as rewarding as possible—despite her grief and loss.  A little stained glass saying hangs in her window:  “Every ending a new beginning.”  She modeled that for me.

As this New Year unfolds, we will experience painful endings.  What once served us may no longer fit.  Change will happen in inner and outer circumstances.  We will have to adjust to losses.  We may have to start over in a whole new direction, as my mother did.  This is not a bad thing.  It is a growing experience.  In the words of Eckhart Tolle, famed author of The Power of Now, “If you can learn to accept and even welcome the endings in your life, you may find that the feeling of emptiness that initially felt uncomfortable turns into a sense of inner spaciousness that is deeply peaceful.” 

I wish you this peace!